The Narcissistic Relationship

Author: Dr Judith Orloff MD

Books by Dr Judith Orloff

Recommended Books on Narcissism in Relationships

If I had a dollar for every time a client called their spouse a narcisstist, I’d be a very rich woman already! The word narcissist is thrown around like a woman’s handbag. Betrayed clients describing their cheating partners as sociopaths, narcissists, sex-addicts, monsters – and the list of adjectives goes on.

Sometimes, the description is correct! However the spouse of a narcissist lives a life of confusion, depression, stress, full of guilt, uncertainty, anxiety and for most part, is not aware that they under the spell of a manipulating spouse. They defend their cheating partners character. In our couples sessions together, the betrayed spouse of the cheating narcissist, is quick to tell me of how she (or he) contributed to the demise of the marriage, and how they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track.

A narcissistic cheater will not end the relationship with the lover, and in fact will continue the love affair during marriage counselling. The narcissistic cheater, must be really to begin individual counselling to work on the family of origin issues/attachment style problems.

Does your spouse have narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has:

• An excessive sense of self-importance
• An extreme preoccupation with themselves
• A lack of empathy for others

Personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or  psychiatrist.

Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment.

There are no laboratory, blood or genetic tests that are used to diagnose personality disorder. There is some new research to suggest people with narcissistic personality disorder have neurobiological abnormalities.

See link to this new research “Gray matter abnormalities in patients with narcissistic personality disorder”

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following  symptoms:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and is thought to occur in up to 6.2 percent of the general population.Video: Dealing With A Narcissist: Emotional Freedom in Action

• Dr Judith Orloff MD
• Time: 4:14

Dr. Orloff’ – As a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA, Dr. Orloff draws upon her own intuitive abilities to help her patients and workshop participants. Dr. Orloff’s latest national bestseller “The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life” (Harmony Books, 2014) describes the power of letting go in everyday life, health, and wellness–an enlivening and sane alternative to pushing, forcing, and over controlling people and situations.

What treatment is available for NPD?

Many people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t seek out treatment. Remember, narcissists do not believe that they have the problem. They believe that you, or something/ someone else is the problem.

Narcissists do not remain in therapy for reasons such as, “The therapist obviously doesn’t know what she/ he is talking about,” or “Did you see the university/college that therapist attended! How can they ever be in practice!”

People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person’s life. This most often happens when a person’s coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events. They may over indulge in drugs or alcohol, and require medical care.

“LETTER: A narcissist falls in love with a narcissist”

I’m am a male in my early 30’s and unfortunately this is me. In a sense, I have met my match! I’ve been a narcissist most of my life, and in my mutual disdain for myself and the world, have avoided romantic relationships (no one measures up, and I am not comfortable with anyone.) So, luckily, I haven’t dragged anyone through this as the agressor (except my family growing up… especially my sis.) Now I find myself over-seas and 13m into a relationship with one of the natives. And she is more messed up than I. Funny enough, the esperience of admiring her because “we are so much alike” is as powerfull for me (as a narcissist) as anyone. I wouldn’t say narcissist don’t fall in love, nor that we get upset and never actually loved, we really mean it when we say, “your too sensitive,” (for me to handle,) but it isn’t fair for anyone to have to put up with. In any case, being who I am, I jumped in both feet. And, experiencing her own matching exuberance, was great, like heaven. I maintain my “facade” with everyone, and am able to drop it (For the most part) with anyone. Being able to reveal my true(er) self is how I maintain my own happiness and grow as a person. But grooming and maintaining the superficial image is 90% of my life, and the image, being that of a scholarly sort, is held with everyone I meet. Everyone is manipulated, no one sees me wild or passionate, except for laughter (stopped acting out in high school.) She doesn’t have that problem. Unappologetic and ferocious with the slightest contradiction, 4 months into the relationship the honeymoon ended, and I faced constant confusing criticism. Being my own narcissistic self, I would do my own manipulative conversation with her, which she trumped wth balls to the walls ferocity. To be fair, in her culture, unlike the states, this is kind of expected by women, but I have been assured that she is an abuser of this tactic. Anyway, now, finishing the * month, I have long learned to bow my head and say “Sorry, its my fault” for the slightest thing. She has the icey glare that is a little scarry (I think I have it too, but not sure when I am doing it,) the angry walk off, the waterworks, and of course the mind bending critisisms and retelling of everything (even trying to retell the meanings of my own words, which I am largely immune to factually, it still, to my surprise, undermines my sense of self.) She is honest enough to be unapologetic about the degree of her selfishness, but can flip this when she feels vulverable (or wants to appear such) to rather describe how selfless, endeuring, and generous she is. I know how she feels (because I share the same psychological disease, even if I’m the dupe this time) to know that she is being completely sincere, in that moment. On the one hand, in attempting to exercise humility towards her, I’ve grown a lot, and gained a kind of empathy that, maybe is normal for most people, but is really special for me. I now cry at sad movies (really, still get surprised, I suddenly become really sad and start crying.) I can also feel more of the warmth of my friends and coworkers. This last week, I even achieved a state of real self love, at least, I think thats what it was. Like, wanting to nurture this person who is me. With that, came a sense of self respect, respect for her, and respect for what is happening, that is really calming. It is largely why it even occured to me to start researching narcissism and why I am now frantically typign into the void. Unfortunately, I also now have all of the negative symptoms described at the end of this article. A shadow of my former self, I am depressed, insecure, and not really sure what to do with myself or her. and I’m even going to HER for answers… of all the crazy stupid things to do. I’ve been near suicidal many many many times over this year. And I worry… can I keep the growth, and not this suffering, or will I basically revert, since so many of my copping mechanisms are narcissistic (basically I grew because she did everything bigger badder than me, and I am reflective *enough* to take it and hope for better and my own growth.) I can almost walk away (and I am confident a whole special kind of crazy will stem from that, probably for months/years to come.) I disagree with many commentaters and authors of several articles that narcissists don’t really love. Rather, it is dominated by a special kind of suffering, where anything that insults the ego is a kind of suffering. I responded to it largey with manipulating speech and social mechanations. She responds to it as if you really took a swing at her. The problem is, love requires accepting some abuse to the ego and is better with consistant expression of concern for other people’s. This is painfull/distressing and frustrating/exhausting respectively, and so is not sustainable to a narcissist, even if the relationship is. Basically, my own self love will devour shallow kiddie feelings of affection, eventually, and self loathing and other loathing will be left. Combined with a long term manipulative coping stratagey… you see the results. Of course this can eb and flow. In reflection, I chose her, in part because I saw her weaknesses clearly and thought, “gothca!” (I think I would have chosen her anyway, I felt something when I first met her, still do, always did, she only used her basic shopkeeper charm, mind you, highly developed *aside, I am totally attracted to how expert her superficial side is, totally frustrated when I see her suddenly use it in front of me, then turn back to me and resume her crazy coldness,* but it isn’t why I got her number or took her out on our first date) At the time, I didn’t think of it that way, that realization just came to me now(except perhaps in the deepest recesses of my mind.) At the time, I thought, “oh, she likes me, and I certainly like her, and I can really help her, she needs it!” And well, look at me, beaten up by a similar beast. Really fascinating! Is she lovely, yes. Is she totally cruel, yes. When she is happy, her generosity knows no limits, and when unhappy, her fury is the same. There is certainly a flavor of manic depressive to her happy unhappy, and she has become highly aware of it, even suggesting that I simply avoid her when she is like that (which has heavy limits, as we both are actually really greedy for the attention of the other, and get a bruised ego when declined.) These days, she is getting particularly cold, so I suppose I am at the discard phase. That part doesn’t bother me so much, as she becomes distant, I am getting back on my feet (yay?) and happy to take my growth with me. And she is responding to that with alternating furry (Which in my newfound self respect, I literally walk away from or simply apologize that she is angry and tell her I love her and .. nothing muhc more,) followed by trying to spend some nice time together. Unfortunately for us, her depression is severe enough, that even in an attempted good mood, it is like dating a porcupine. Getting a hug from her is a triumph these days. we haven’t kissed, even lightly in a week, and not a real kiss in about 6 weeks, similarly, no sex in that time. Of course, no sex with someone is ok for a while, but coupled with the constant assault of the cold shoulder and harsh conversations that are thinly veiled threats of, “make me happy or I go” the situation fills me with a sense of peace at ending it sooner rather than later. There isn’t actually anything to make her happy that I can do, I’m pretty sure of that, it isn’t a productive conversation, never has been, that said, she never has gone, but hasn’t been this cold before either, formerly she was so firey tempered.. now she is like “I don’t feel anything for you anymore” said coldly with an icy glare, often followed a day later with some apologetic gesture. Even her manipulations are kind of half assed these days, but we have had a fefew heart to hearts, and she knows that I know she is a deeply terrible and troubled person (though she seems to think I don’t know how troubled I am, and her berratements have a feel of trying to school me on the matter.) I still can’t say there is no love between us, but we are both at a point of deeply troubled and wondering, is this worth it. Our narcissism binds us to a degree, along with that, being something of romantics, and, really, in so many ways, getting along wonderfully. but I am reaching a point of wanting to find and focus on people who can love peacefully and with longevity, and I think she is reaching the end game of her cycle with me. I don’t think she realizes that, for her it is just a growing dissatisfaction, angst, and frustration. But it isn’t like I’ve started doing MORE things that she doesn’t like, rather, her dislike for the things that remain (as I’ve started doing a lot of things her way to avoid so many berratements,) has grown.

Oh writting this has been enjoyable, and I hope you guys can make some sense of it, as I am leaving this rambling long and poorly edited.

The Mayo Clinic recommends psychotherapy – Learn More about psychotherapy for NPD

Psychotherapy

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy. Psychotherapy can help you:

• Learn to relate better with others so your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding
• Understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others

Because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy may take several years. Areas of change are directed at helping you accept responsibility and learning to:

• Accept and maintain real personal relationships and collaboration with co-workers
• Recognize and accept your actual competence and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures
• Increase your ability to understand and regulate your feelings
• Understand and tolerate the impact of issues related to your self-esteem
• Release your desire for unattainable goals and ideal conditions and gain an acceptance of what’s attainable and what you can accomplish

* Source – Mayo Clinic

• • Second-guessing: Because a victim has had their confidence eroded by the constant gaslighting, they live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making their situation even more dangerous for themselves. They invariably find themselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess themselves. This often effects how they problem-solve, and make decisions in their life.
• • Asking “Am I too sensitive?”: Projection and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting, and the victim become hyper-sensitive to the constant humiliation of their abuser. They hear countless times that they are “too sensitive”, that they soon begin to believe the lies. As a result they look for approval before doing anything, fearful that they will make more mistakes that will end in more humiliation. This form of gaslighting makes the victim doubt everything about themselves, so they constantly ask, “Am I being too sensitive”.
• • Apologizing: Living with the narcissistic Dr. Jekyll and Mr/s Hyde, the victim finds themselves always apologizing for “never doing things right”, they even apologize for their very existence; it is a way of avoiding more conflict with their aggressor. Apology is not just something the victim does to be polite; it is a powerful strategy for staying safe while in the war zone, and a means to disarm the anger of the gaslighter. Most importantly, the power of apology is that it can take the shame off the narcissist and redirect it towards the victim, therefore avoiding some of the narcissists rage.
• • Lack joy and happiness in life (melancholy): If one lives under the constant tyranny of the gaslighting narcissist, they can expect extremes of lethal hostility. Many victims go through physical and mental torture that can cause them to suffer a personality change, leaving them feeling confused, lonely, frightened and unhappy. Often they continue to carry this melancholy even after they escape from the abuser.
• • Withholding information from others: Victims experience great shame about their situation; they get tired of trying to cover up their abuse as they go along. When well meaning friends and family members tell them they are being abused, they avoid the subject, and soon they learn to withhold giving more information in order to avoid further conflict. The importance of shame in narcissistic abuse is a difficult issue, but I don’t think it is too difficult to accept that the crimes of the gaslighting narcissist stigmatize the victim to their very core. Their shame is a normal response to the social failure they so often feel as a result of their abuse (i.e. the shame of being unable to protect themselves from their abuse). This shame can be seen as defensiveness and withdrawal by others. The relationship between shame and social supports is too complex to deal with here.
• • Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what: The goal of gaslighting is to control and influence the reality of the gaslightee. It only works when the victim is unaware of what is really happening. The more the victim doubts their own reality or competence, the more dependent they become of the abuser. It is a vicious circle of events that is totally confusing to the victim, and that is exactly what the gaslighter wants.
• • Trouble making simple decisions: To be caught in the narcissistic web of deception and illusion is the equivalent to being a fly trapped in the spider’s web. When entering the web, does the victim know that it is about to be bound up and eaten alive any more than the fly? The answer is “no”. However, the narcissistic web is akin to the disintegration of the self; the victim, under the threat of continual danger, forms a psychic bond with the abuser in order to avoid fragmentation of the self. In forming that bond they are compelled to organize themselves around their idealized abuser’s desires, and surrender their authentic potential: Having to ask permission to do anything, not being aloud to have their own opinion, never allowed to win the argument, constantly being chastised and humiliated, compromising their own thoughts, values, needs, and belief. Understandably, caught in this web they lose all autonomy, even their ability to make decisions for their own self.•
•  You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed: In order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the “the narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing. This becomes part of their way of being, a great “pleaser” with everybody. Unless this unconscious dance is exposed in therapy, and the victim educated about narcissistic behavior, they are actually left vulnerable to becoming Narcissistic Supply yet again. The reason is that they are conditioned (like Pavlov’s dogs) in a way that makes them a target for other hungry narcissists, who are always on the hunt for new supply, and are quick to spot those primed already.
• • You feel hopeless and joyless: What had once seemed like heaven has now turned into a hell. There is no peace or joy in this place, just fear and suppression. Life loses all hope, as if the light has been turned off. All that remains is the deep black cloud of depression. And the victim is forced to live in a state of acquiescence in order to survive. Their perceptions of reality are continually undermined by the gaslighting sham, so they end up losing confidence in their intuition, memory, or reasoning powers. They are spun lies, lies that tell them that they are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, over-reacting, and that they have no right to be upset. Hearing this time and time again, their reality is turned inside out, and they begin to believe that this may all be true.

• Prepare a bag for you, and any children you may have, with an extra set of house and car keys, money, a list of phone numbers you may need and a set of clothes each. Leave this bag with someone you trust. 
• Keep your mobile phone with you at all times. Find somewhere you can quickly and easily use a phone if you don’t have access to a mobile. This could be a public payphone, or one at a neighbour’s, friend’s or relative’s house. 
• Write out a list of numbers you might need in an emergency. Include friends, relatives, local police, GP, Women’s Aid, your nearest refuge. Remember, even if you have numbers stored in your mobile you may not be able to access or use it, so copy out all numbers you might need. Keep this list with you at all times. 
• Keep a small amount of money with you at all times for phone calls and/or taxi, train or bus fares etc. 
• If your children are old enough to understand, explain that you might have to leave in a hurry and make sure they know what to do if that happens. You could consider arranging a meeting point should you get separated from them.
• Teach your children to dial 999 if there is an emergency. Make sure they know what they will need to say: name, address and telephone number. 
• If you think your partner is about to attack you, try to stay out of the kitchen or garage where there may be knives and/or other weapons. Try to stay away from small rooms such as the bathroom where you may find it difficult to escape an attack. If you are thinking about leaving your partner contact Women’s Aid.

Recommended Books on Narcissism in Relationships