The…”We’re avoiding sex/intimacy so we argue about everything else” …Couple
The ….”We see conflict as unnecessary and don’t say what we truly feel”…Couple
The majority of affairs will fall into the categories of avoidance affairs. On the surface, you will be able to agree on what it is you are avoiding by reading the definitions, or perhaps, if you are being totally honest, you will say “we rarely have sex” or “we are always arguing.”
Below the surface, is the truth that you may not wish to face.
In order to move forward from the pain of the affair and to prevent reoccurance, both the betrayed spouse and unfaithful spouse is required to understand WHY the affair happened.
Characteristics of Conflict avoiders:
- Conflict Avoiders are nice – they’re terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don’t have a way to stand up to each other when there’s a problem, so they can’t resolve their difference and the marriage erodes.
- The relationship has become predictable, and “lifeless”
- The skills of conflict resolution were not learned earlier on, so now in marriage, conflict is avoided at all costs. This means that true feelings are not shared, and resentment begins to build. Conflict avoiders become resentful and bitter or angry, and can’t understand why.
- The affair partner is seen as a person whom they can “just be me” without fear of judgement.
- The real fear, “the childhood wound” is the fear of the spouse rejecting or abandoning them if they were to speak their mind.
Characteristics of Intimacy avoiders:
The foundation of intimacy avoiders came from childhoods with issues such as: shame, abuse, abandonment, neglect; or those with attachment style injuries.
Conflict becomes a safe way to avoid intimacy and therefore, ultimately, rejection. – Savannah Ellis, IRI Founder.
3 steps for couples to get out of the blame/ shame game -Watch Ondina’s video!