Romantic affairs are the hardest to break when discovered, and they often go without detection until the cheating spouse leaves the marital home. They usually come as a complete shock to the spouse being left behind and seem so out of character that many looking upon the sequence of events question the sanity to the person having such an affair. Those involved in such an affair exhibit the symptoms of narcissistic and borderline personality disorders.

Little can be done to counter this type of affair. Various attempts to shock the unfaithful spouse out of the insanity of throwing away a life that has taken years to build are met with speeches of the marriage being wrong or for the wrong reasons, and this new relationship having all the right characteristics. The new relationship is, in reality, mere fantasy, based in large part on the excitement of its inappropriateness.

 Not many couples recover from this type of affair unless the affair is ended or nearly so by the time of discovery, or unless it is discovered and confronted in the very beginning stages.

Once a spouse commits to leaving the marriage for this new relationship, the affair is seen as the new and right relationship, and the marriage has been turned into the biggest mistake of the cheater’s life. Every reason that can be given as to why the marriage should be saved has already been resolved in the mind of the person walking away. Even if the affair itself dies quite soon after the choice to leave is made, a return to the marriage is nearly impossible and another “newer” and “better” relationship is sought instead. The old has been justified into being unviable and sent to the scrap heap as so much garbage.

 If the marriage was generally good or long term and both spouses had a strong sense of commitment to family and vows, some are willing to end the affair. This is more likely in the very early stages of the affair, which is why it is critical in a marriage to be aware of what is going on in the life of your spouse.

Once your spouse is in love with someone else, it might seem to be too late for the marriage. Since one of the subsets of romantic affairs is the conflicted romantic affair, this is not always the case.

4 thoughts on “Surviving a Split Self Affair

  1. Bad Hubby says:

    Wow! I’m a husband who has gone through this as the wandering partner. It was never a consummated affair, merely an emotional one, albeit very intense for me.

    Since discovering the term “divided self affair” it has really opened my eyes to my behaviour. The things described above are exactly how I have and/or would react. I closed down to the view that my marriage was fine. My wife had previously mentioned that I have narcissistic tendencies. She’s been a trooper and stuck by me. I’m still struggling with the emotions of it all and I can’t quite put things back together just yet, but it’s really helpful to read this and see just how ‘textbook’ my mini breakdown has been.

    Word of advice to any deserted spouse dealing with a partner like this. Give them space, but don’t be walked on. Extend the hand of reconciliation and let them see the warmth and love they’re prepared to walk away from.

    Another hallmark of someone in a ‘divided self affair’ is that they see themselves as a family person and don’t want to betray that in themselves…appeal to that side of them, that may just win them round. For me, the idea of leaving my kids and all that I’ve built with my wife have kept me hanging in. I may be up and down a lot at the minute, but that’s my guiding light.

  2. Roy ARCHIBALD says:

    My wife left me 2 months ago after I found out by accident 6 months into their relationship. She is doing everything to destroy me and my 14 year old daughter and 9 year old son. Without fully letting go of our apartment we rent or the kids eventhough she lives with her 28 fat slob lover she is 47 and still a beautiful woman. He is her subordinate at her work and seems to have all the faults she critisesed me of multiplied by 10. I realise what disorder she has now she went through a depression 8 months ago after her younger brother died and 6 months ago started her dream job. I suppose all the boxes are ticked. I just hope she one day she comes home the time it takes. I feel great pitty for her because I know she is ill.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Sobering and depressing reading for the spouse of 29 years; me. I was married to that man, who would never say there was anything wrong, never shared a vulnerability. This very new relationship was all the things you say; with a younger woman, he acts paternally towards her, he uses the words ‘right’and ‘authentic’ and appears to have been woken up and to have come alive, says it’s the best thing that ever happened. He ran quite quickly from the marriage, on the day of discovery and he declares it was still an unconsummated love. We tried discernment counselling which he cancelled and changed constantly showing very little real commitment. All the while he was constantly i contact with her. She lives a long way away. And I am here, unable to do anything – our love must seem stale and empty. I cannot get an answer as to their future, he denies any plans. He is not moving there and declares there are no plans for her to move here. I have been told repeatedly by friends and my psychologist that you couldn’t have him back but it all seems so wasteful. A waste of a life and marriage.
    It is so against the grain for a good marriage to be thrown away and frustrating as I desired An intimate , nurturing relationship in the marriage and he was unable to offer that side of himself.

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