TREATMENT STRATEGY
for the Philanderer
FIRST TIME OFFENDER
If the philanderer is a first time or one-time offender, I would say that the prognosis for working things through is somewhat more positive. In order for this to happen, however, the exposed cheater must come completely clean with what happened, take full responsibility for it, and be prepared to beg the partner’s forgiveness for his or her devastating misstep.
Any pre-existing problems in the relationship prior to the affair (and obviously, an ongoing affair is typically much more damaging than a one-night-stand) or indiscretion should be systematically addressed and resolved.
Communication skills must be evaluated, improved, and regularly practiced between the couple with a therapist’s assistance. And, perhaps the hardest part, trust must be rebuilt.
Trust cannot–and should not– just be freely given again. Trust now has become a privilege, not a right. Trust must be earned, gradually re-established by offenders consistently following through faithfully on whatever they say they are going to do–or not do. There is no real wiggle room here. Zero-tolerance. It should be the injured or betrayed party that dictates what will be required for him or her to ever fully trust the offender again. And whatever they say it will take, within reason, is what the offender must be willing to commit to providing unconditionally. And deliver, consistently, willingly and unequivocally.
Ultimately, the victimized or offended party will have to reach a point (frequently requiring individual therapy in addition to couples counseling) where they can get past their hurt, humiliation and anger to a place of forgiveness and compassion. And find the courage to trust again. We all make mistakes. Humans are imperfect beings. But we can also learn from our mistakes, so as to avoid repeating them.
REPEAT OFFENDER
This can become a kind of co-dependency, unintentionally enabling and perpetuating the problem. As with domestic violence, the victim may be bamboozled and confused by the offender’s apparent heartfelt contrition and proclamations of love and dedication.
Or they come to see the offending partner as suffering from some mental disorder or substance or sexual addiction that both compels and excuses their abusive behavior.
In certain cases, say of severe bipolar disorder, substance abuse or compulsive sexual behavior, it may make sense to compassionately support and stand by the offender during his or her treatment or rehabilitation.
But the key is that commitment is a two way street. Both parties must be equally committed to the relationship and to monogamy, if that is what is promised and expected. Commitment is an existential choice. A choice one reaffirms each and every day. One chooses not to cheat not necessarily because one doesn’t desire to. But because one chooses to honor one’s commitment and because one cares about and values the relationship with the partner so highly that taking the risk of threatening, damaging or losing that relationship and deeply wounding the partner is completely unacceptable.
A womanizing husband may seem like an impossible cross to bear. However recovery is possible with awareness, time and commitment. Finally, the rewards of recovery are worth the effort for it not only makes the husband a better partner and person but gives a fresh lease of life to the marriage.