The Betrayed Partner
“A philanderer is a guy who likes women. A lot. So much that he’s got a beautiful wife, and a date with a different girl every weekend.”
Characteristics:
- Romantics at heart
- Subservient
- Attractive/feminine
- Attracted to successful men
- Feels unappreciated, lonely and has anxiety
- Has ignored the affairs for many years, or pretends not to have known
Masculinity is served two ways – by competing with other men, and by exerting dominance over women. Therefore, men who are not defeating of men and not screwing women are loosing masculinity and status. The greatest loss of status would be to come under control of a woman.
A woman could never be an equal partner in life, she has a defined role, usually at home. He is at “home” amongst men of his own caliber. Usually other Philanderers, where they can talk about their man victories, and their conquests over women.
They are usually very attractive, with well polished social skills and talents. They are very seductive, and quite often, popular. Think of the Kennedy’s. They will keep their marriage in a state of hot and cold so that they can have their affairs
Women in relationships with men like these have to deal with long-term emotional abuse, which leads to feelings of betrayal, abandonment and shame. However some women may refuse to believe the truth about their womanizing husband even when the signs are right there. Many choose to turn a “blind eye”. This is because accepting that your man is not a good partner is admitting the failure of a relationship and everything that a woman may hold precious.
Problems will come into the marriage if she tries to exert her power. The philanderer will not accept equality or closeness in the marriage. He does not wish to be understood by his wife, or under her “control”.
Here is a new twist on the philandering subject. My ex-partner and I broke up after 11 years together because of his incessant need for flirting (in front of me – no problem!) and affair. We were separated for 2-3 years when circumstances dictated he move back to my property while it was being sold. During that time, i sustained back and hip injuries while doing yard work, and he became my official carer. We have rubbed along reasonably for 6 years, with him on various dating sites and still flirting with any women/girl over the age of 16. I have ignored this behaviour as much as my feelings will allow, until he ramped up the stakes and wanted to bring his current online dating fantasy into my home to live with him! A Chinese oncologist (???) with heaps of money, no less, who wishes to move to Australia when Covid allows. You can imagine what my reply was.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through this hell that I know all too well. I’m finally coming to terms with my husband’s incessant philandering of 39 years and I’m dealing with it by doing things I enjoy like yoga, ice skating and hiking, kicking him out of the bedroom and making his life a living hell by screaming at him for weeks on end until he’s practically a babbling idiot. I’ve been saying the most outrageously cruel things to him and I’ve never felt better. Hoping to drive him out of the house. Yay!
I don’t think that he will keep his word, you are all in denial, my ex husband has denied to tell us that girl 34 years younger has stayed pregnant, she got caught , stupid gold digger, and it is hard to go through this divorce but it is worthed !
I found out after 40 yrs of marriage that my husband was unfaithful with affairs, pornography, fantasy, flirting, lusting..you name it. He hid his addiction well, I never thought he would do the things he did, NEVER.
We are still married but anger still is there with all the glorious mental images. It does get better if he changes and develops empathy. That takes some time. I am hanging in there because of financial reasons and because I am 67, he 75. If he relapses though, I am gone. Don’t care if I am poor forever, can’t go through that pain and shock again. After 2 years we are both slowly healing but I know our marriage will never be the same..
Divorced a philanderer who apparently had a 20yr younger girlfriend,now fiance. She just divorced a man 22yrs older than her… after she started with my ex….our daughters are not happy (adults)… what are odds that relationship will last? Thoughts?
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So how does a wife married 40 years to a chronic philanderer (just found out several years ago) deal with the resultant rage if she stays married? I did decide to stay due to my husband’s stopping the behavior and financial need but the strain of living with a man who does not understand my rage and pain is making me physically and emotionally ill. We’ve been to countless therapists but I can’t seem forgive.
Be comforted by the fact that his behavior has nothing to do with you. Try not to judge him. He is likely not the man he wants to be. Find the empathy to regard him as unhappy as opposed to evil, or unkind. Lower or eliminate your expectation that he will ever be capable of providing for your needs. Provide for your own needs (love -approval, encouragement, etc.) in a greater way, and feel free to let him provide what you can’t. Love him as a friend, just maintain an emotional distance – Only say I love you if it feels authentic. Give what you want to give, and no more. Don’t feel obligated. Do what makes you happy and fulfilled apart from him, not as his punishment, but as an acknowledgement that you are responsible for your happiness.
~Askpreachergirl.com
I dont if you’ll read this, but I am in the same situation. My husband was a womanizer for about 10-12 years of our 29 year marriage. I found out by pure chance and the disappointment just crushed me. He had stopped the behavior and that’s the main reason I stayed. My children were starting college and finishing high school so the time would have been extremely hurtful for them (frankly,there is never a good time to tell your kids their parents will get divorced). So I stayed but I made a promise to myself to NEVER go through this again. It’s been almost 5 years, and he has been a MODEL husband and father. Still, I do find myself thinking about this often. The pain is still there. The resentment. But I can’t bring it up. He doesn’t want to talk about this, he wants to move on. I have no doubts about his commitment to our marriage, but I also learned that he is not able to give me the answers I need. He is possibly terribly embarrassed about his past and incomprehensible behavior, and even though he has apologized profusely at the time and subsequent months, I probably need some therapy to finally put it behind me. So again, it is up to us and us alone to help ourselves. He did this because of his own childhood trauma and disfunctional family, and I chose to ignore all the signs because I just could not fathom the idea of failing my children. So in a way, I enabled him. I know I will keep my promise. And I know he knowns that too. And I’m really ok with what happens in the future. My children are successful young adults and now they would be able to understand and accept a divorce if that were to happen. I hope not, but I won’t go thru something like that again. Ever.
I don’t think that he will keep his word, you are all in denial, my ex husband has denied to tell us that girl 34 years younger has stayed pregnant, she got caught , stupid gold digger, and it is hard to go through this divorce but it is worthed !