Step 1 – Commitment

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” ―Peter F. Drucker

 

The first and most important step of the 7 Step Infidelity Recovery program is Step 1 – Commitment.

Few events in a couple’s relationship will create as much emotional turmoil as infidelity. Couples’ reactions may depend on several factors, including preexisting marital circumstances, how the infidelity was discovered, and the personality characteristics of the individuals involved.

In many cases, the revelation of infidelity turns a couple’s world upside down. The previous security, stability, and control once felt in the relationship are lost with the betrayal. Common initial reactions to the discovery of infidelity include shock, anger, and denial. These are often accompanied by grief, pessimism, and self-doubt as the meaning and significance of the relationship bond are questioned. Confusion abounds, with both partners wondering if the relationship is irreparably damaged (Rosenau, 1998).

In some cases, emotional reactions may include symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, such as hyper vigilance, obsessive ruminations, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, anger, irritability, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and eating disturbances. Even suicidal ideations and homicidal threats can occur during this unstable time. Regardless of the specifics of the betrayal, therapists must be prepared to deal with the intense emotional responses that often follow the revelation of infidelity and know how to navigate several important aspects of therapy.

What does “Commitment” involve?

Both people may wonder why therapy or coaching is even helpful at this early stage.

• Faithful partners need to decide whether to trust or not to trust the unfaithful partner again.
• Unfaithful partners need to decide if they want to continue in the relationship

Step 1 of the 7-Step program is to “Commit” to working on the relationship. If even for the length of the 7 step program, the couple needs closure in many areas of their time together, including giving the betrayed partner the answers they deserve to receive regarding the betrayal.

During the time of commitment, each person “commits” to each other. This means no contact with the “3rd Party”, judgmental family & friends, or addictive substances.

Some other outcomes to commitment include:

1. Commit to transparency to begin the trust restoration process.
2. Stabilize the marriage/relationship by allowing time for emotional healing versus running to a lawyer to get a divorce.
3. Begin the process of learning communication & conflict resolution skills.
4. Commitment to the Infidelity Recovery Institute’s KEY Love Rituals
5. Begin heart to heart communication – through use of the monologue program – no matter how committed you are to the relationships future.

Each of these outcomes has a step by step strategy to follow. The affair recovery process needs to be simple for the traumatized couple to follow.

Why is Commitment to Affair Recovery so Important?

It is no surprise that an individual or couple having infidelity issues, could have issues with commitment, boundaries, rules, and truth telling.

A couple who doesn’t seek professional help after an affair, will NEVER have the chance for either personal or relationship recovery. Even after 2 years, 10 years, or 20 years plus, the hurt of the betrayal will linger. Psychological long term effects can ruin happiness and commitment in future relationships too.

Plus the relationship is also open to new infidelity. Without dealing with the main reasons as to why the affair happened in the first place, an affair may occur again in the future.

Committing to any type affair recovery process is challenging at this time. The Certified Infidelity Recovery Specialist, helps people understand why each of the seven steps is so important to personal healing, and to rebooting the relationship. Without the expertise advice and encouragement from the experienced Counselor, many people will not have the energy, beliefs, or skills to move through affair recovery and reboot their old relationship.

Commitment provides the best environment for processing the trauma, and moving forward – either together or apart.

Why I can’t commit to Affair Recovery?

The greatest challenge to affair recovery is the individual who is unable to Commit. Here are some of the most common reasons for being uncommitted to affair recovery:

1. I am still having an affair and I want to continue the affair
2. I think time will help mend the relationship
3. I am hoping that my betrayed spouse will forget and forgive in time
4. I don’t believe in counseling, therapy, or coaching. It doesn’t work.
5. I don’t want to be judged or shamed as I already feel guilty
6. We don’t have the money
7. I don’t want the relationship so why bother fixing it.
8. I am not sure what I want to do yet.
9. I am depressed and can’t make up my mind.
10. I don’t have the time to work on the relationship

The importance of transparency

Famous quotes on commitment

“Until  one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.” ―William Hutchison Murray

“Commitment is an act, not a word.” ―Jean-Paul Sartre

“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.” ―Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

“We have to recognize that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” ―Cornel West, Breaking Bread: Insurgent Black Intellectual Life

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose — and commit myself to — what is best for me.” ―Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

“To fall in love and to commit yourself to love means you should make your loved one the one thing you cherish the most.” ―Kou Yoneda, No Touching At All

“Love grows and wanes, but honor, duty, and commitment, those things are constant and stable. They define who you are.” ―Richelle E. Goodrich, Eena, The Return of a Queen