It is difficult to RECOVER from infidelity when you are in a deeply traumatized state. It is hard for a couple to work through the issues surrounding the affair if both people are not able to emotionally participate.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”– Chinese proverb
Each individual is going through their own personal trauma after the affair is exposed.
How an individual recovers from this new relationship trauma will vary on factors such as:
- Affair type
- Relationship history
- Strength of relationship
- Quality of friendship & sex
- Personality Type
- Personality history of forgiveness
- Current physical & emotional health
Relationship healing will not progress until each person has a way to overcome their own emotional problems. Sometimes, this involves seeking the help of another professional who can provide medication for problems such as anxiety or depression. For others, personal healing may require healing around childhood wounds and injuries.Many people find themselves in a toxic relationship – and feel stuck. It is not uncommon for a betrayed spouse to be a victim of narcissistic abuse.The IRI 7-Step Model will work towards healing BOTH people. The feelings of the unfaithful partner are left aside in traditional therapy, as the focus is traditionally on what went wrong in the marriage.Our end goal is to have two emotionally calm people ready to make the best possible decisions for their families and their life.
Objectives of Step 3 – Personal Healing include:
- Personal healing strategies for both people.
- Strategies for Obsessions & Triggers
- Anger Management
- Focus on Communication & Conflict Resolution
- Changing the Relationship with Rituals
Affair Recovery expert & Founder of IRI, Savannah Ellis says:
“On many occasions I have recommended clients seek medical attention for depression, PTSD, anxiety, sex addiction, drug addiction etc BEFORE or DURING the Infidelity Recovery Program.Often I will work with an individual by himself or herself to provide them with much needed personal coaching. After betrayal, many female clients loose their confidence and self love during this time. Betrayed men often struggle with staying in the relationship, as the thought of their wife being with another man is overwhelming. Their self esteem has taken a huge blow.”
What are the common emotional reactions to infidelity ?
In a study of the common emotions felt after betrayal, researchers found the betrayed spouse was left feeling these emotions:
Undesirable/Insecure
- Undesirable
- Physically unattractive
- Insecure
- Self-conscious
- Inferior
- Unwanted
- Unimportant
- Worthless
- Inadequate
- Inept
- Unloved
- Unappreciated
- Boring Lonely
- Jealous Afraid
- Beaten
Hostile/Vengeful
- Hostile Enraged
- Vengeful
- Spiteful
- Angry
- Outraged
- Bitter
- Aggressive
- Hatred
- Deceived
- Betrayed
Depressed
- Sad
- Depressed
- Hurt
- Miserable
- Heartbroken
- Weepy
- Shattered
- Alone
- Gloomy
- Anguish
Why am I accepting of my partners affair ?
Not all betrayed spouses will view an affair as negative. While they do not agree with the behaviour of their cheating spouse, they understand the relationship and/or life conditions which made an affair possible. Alternatively, betrayed spouses stating their emotions as happy, might expect to be delighted to have an excuse to get out of a bad relationship.While these clients include the feeling of “Disappointed” to their list of emotional reactions, these are other common feelings:
- Happy
- Pleased
- Delighted
- Glad
- Excited
Clients have stated their partners cheating has brought new excitement into their sex life. Emotions stated were:
- Aroused
- Sexually aroused
What are sex differences in emotional reactions?
Our own clinical findings support other studies on the reaction to a partner’s sexual infidelity, women report greater anger and hurt. In reaction to a partner’s emotional infidelity, women report greater anger, hurt, and jealousy than do men. Women most commonly feel “Undesirable or Insecure” as a result of a cheating husband.It is more common for men to loose respect for his cheating wife, and want to leave her, rather than feel insecure and look inwards for answers. The thought of his wife in sexual relations with another man, runs deeper than just the act of sex itself. Men more often state they feel “Nauseated/Repulsed” by their cheating wife:
- Nauseated/Repulsed
- Nauseated
- Sickened
- Numb
- Repulsed Violated
- Disgusted
Men have been found to be more Homicidal/Suicidal, than women.
References:
- Geary, D.C., Rumsey, M., Bow-Thomas, C.C., & Hoard, M.K. (1995). Sexual jealousy as a facultative trait: Evidence from the pattern of sex differences in adults from China and the United States. Ethology and Sociobiology, 16, 355-383.
- Hite, S. (1987). Women and love. New York: Knopf.
- Hupka, R.B., & Bank, A.L. (1996). Sex differences in jealousy: Evolution or social construction? Cross-Cultural Research, 30, 24-59.
- Sharpsteen, D.J. (1993). Romantic jealousy as an emotion concept: A prototype analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, 69-82.
- Sharpsteen, D.J., & Kirkpatrick, L.A. (1997). Romantic jealousy and adult romantic attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 627-640.
My partner and I are trying to work through these steps, but this step doesn’t have really put forth a task or any tools to work with – it simply speaks to a handful of Objectives and a list of possible emotions. Is there some sort of additional material that should be here? Maybe an external link or third party resource. Am I supposed to be working with a Counselor?
My partner (we aren’t married but together for 13 years) said he texted old girlfriends but had boundaries. I found out he was lying for at least 7 Yrs and has been sexual with one and possibly more. I am almost 70 and have been widowed and divorced. I don’t want to be alone at my age. so I need him. Unfortunately. I know it will continue because he has said before it wouldn’t and it has. Serial liar and unfaithful too. I need to realize this is my lot in life and be appreciative for what I have which doesn’t include him. Why does life have to be so hard. I had hoped my latter retirement years would be enjoyable and now they seem to be ruined. I need help and encouragement from anyone that cares to do so.
I’m a betrayed wife and I feel nauseous when I am around or think of being with my cheating husband now. He was very short tempered with me during his several years long affair and I can’t remember when he was nice.
I experienced the same short-tempered behavior while my husband had a year long emotional affair (that ended 5 months ago). He was not only short tempered but also dismissive, distant, and asked for “space” to be alone. This was his 3rd affair in our marriage. (I was unaware of the other 2 until recently when he confessed to sexual affairs that lasted 4 years with co-workers.)