Pre-existing Stressful Life Events

Disclosure of infidelity is more traumatic when other situational or stressful life events have already created stress or vulnerability.

The same life transitions that increase stress, such as unemployment, pregnancy, serious illness, or death of a family member, may push one partner into the escape of an affair—an affair that can push the betrayed partner into a state of collapse.

There is no preferred timing for a partner to be unfaithful, but a betrayal in an already burdened relationship feels even more catastrophic.

Pregnancy 

Lisa remembered what it was like being pregnant with her second child. She was frazzled keeping up with her toddler and sick to her stomach for the first four months. She felt trapped and unattractive and in need of special reassurance and support. Instead, her husband got involved with a woman at work and was even less involved and available at home. The affair was painful enough, but the fact that he had betrayed her just when she was most needy and vulnerable made it doubly painful.

Family Illness 

Caring for sick and dying relatives obviously puts a strain on a marriage. Constant care and worry draw on the couple’s reserves, while their relationship takes a backseat to more urgent obligations. On top of the exhaustion and grief you already have, discovering that your partner is taking advantage of you in such a situation is a serious blow.

Angela had the feeling of being kicked while she was down when her husband had an affair right after her mother died. She considered her mother to be her best friend and was dedicated to caring for her during her terminal illness. After her mother died, Angela was grief stricken. Discovering her husband’s fling deepened her depression because she felt totally alone. Her mother would normally have been the person to help her deal with problems in her marriage; now that she was gone, Angela felt she had no one to turn to. Incredulous, she faced her husband, saying, “You had sex with your lover in our bed while I was away taking care of my dying mother?!”