The Nature of the Betrayal

The intensity of the betrayed partner’s traumatic reaction is connected with the nature of the betrayal. Each infidelity has its own profile and, therefore, its own character.

Infidelity with a stranger is different from infidelity with your best friend. A brief fling at a conference is different from a five- year love affair with the next-door neighbor. Staggered revelations about multiple involvements create a crescendo of shock waves. The length and depth of the deception prior to the disclosure will influence the length of time it takes to recover. Hearing the whole truth earlier in the process enhances recovery.

One of the things that makes the revelations of sex addicts especially traumatic is that the betrayed partner often hears about multiple sexual encounters staggered over time. One injury is admitted, then another, unexpected one comes later, and then another. Each time the betrayed partners think they have heard it all, they are retraumatized with additional horror stories.

Extent of Extramarital Involvement

How deep was the emotional involvement and what kind of sexual intimacies were experienced?

Unfaithful partners tend to minimize the extent of sexual and emotional involvement.

[box type=”info”] Betrayed wives are usually more obsessed with love letters that were written to the affair partner than with revelations of sexual intercourse with casual acquaintances.[/box] [box] Betrayed husbands are usually more upset by their wife’s having sex with another man.[/box]

Initial denials of emotional attachment by unfaithful husbands and of sexual activities by unfaithful wives indicate that men and women differ in the type of infidelity they consider the most devastating.

 

Duration of Affair

A clandestine relationship that lasts for years undercuts everything that happened in the marriage during that time.

As one husband said,

“I can’t believe you continued the affair for ten years. It went on so long that all these years our life has been a lie.”

His memories of those years are now corrupted. Every remembered scene of intimacy and affection is suspect in the light of his new knowledge. All those times his wife told him she loved him now seem like insults and taunts. He cannot believe in the authenticity of any point of connection with his wife that used to bring him joy:

“Our whole marriage is a sham.”

 

Double Betrayals

The identity of the affair partner is bound to intensify the traumatic reaction of the betrayed spouse.

• Eve’s husband had an affair with the babysitter, whom she had taken under her wing throughout her college years.
• Cameron’s wife had an affair with his business partner, whom he considered one of his best friends. He told me, “This is a double betrayal. I’ve been screwed over twice!”
• Leanne sent her husband, Louis, to help out her friend, Maxine, after the tragic and unexpected death of Maxine’s husband. Imagine the sense of betrayal Leanne felt when Louis moved out of the house to be with the grieving widow.

These double betrayals involve multiple losses. When the affair partner is a relative, families seldom recover from the shocking treachery.

An example is the betrayed wife who discovered that her husband was in love with her sister; another is the husband who found out that his wife had run off with his father. In that case, his wife and his father became outcasts, and the family was split apart forever.

Gifts to Lovers (but tight at home)

Betrayed partners are hurt when what they longed for in their marriage was given to a rival. Sometimes the spouse has been shortchanged while the lover has been royally treated with gifts of affection, time, and money.

One irate wife confronted her husband on just this issue: “We didn’t have enough money for baby-sitters, and you spent money for hotel rooms!”

Another wife felt cheated and enraged when her quiet, inexpressive husband sent romantic messages to his e-lover.

Betrayed partners are deeply chagrined to learn that their workaholic spouse somehow found the time to have an affair.

But there are other kinds of thefts. One husband was willing to make sacrifices for his wife’s demanding career, believing that her professional success was good for their marriage and their children. She was often gone in the evenings and traveled several times a year. Her absence was hard for her children and meant that he had to do double duty as both mother and father. When she confessed that she had been having an affair with a man at work, he was outraged that she had enlisted his help in enabling her traitorous behavior:

“I thought I was supporting you in your work—all the travel, the late nights. It was all so you could be with someone else.”

Flagrant Indiscretions

How obvious was the involved partner? What flimsy lies and subterfuges were employed to cover it up?

Betrayed spouses often say they feel stupid about not figuring out things earlier: “It went on right under my nose. How could I have been so blind?” Once they know the score, it all seems so obvious. They have perfect vision in hindsight.

It is also hard when the offending partner is flagrant in his or her disrespectful behavior. What made one husband so angry was his wife’s blatant disregard for their family and her lack of discretion: “You took our baby along to the zoo with your lover’s children?”

 

The Gulf between Perception and Reality

How much of a chasm is there between what the naïve partner believed and what really happened? Has a partner been especially attentive, not out of true feeling but as a cover-up?

In the early stages of his affair with another woman, one husband took care to be especially loving with his wife. When she found out about his subterfuge, she deeply resented his affectionate ploys: “Just when you were being so nice and so romantic, and I thought you were really committed, I discovered you were hatching elaborate schemes to keep me off the track.”