Hypervigilance diminishes as the couple reestablishes some stability and security in their lives during the next months and years.
Betrayed partners will remain on high alert until they are convinced that it is safe to trust again. But in the beginning, there are shadows and strange noises everywhere. They find themselves on a strange road in the middle of the night with no map and no protection while the unfaithful partner is surviving his or her own version of Hades.
Be accountable
Although extreme hypervigilance is not conducive to recovery, it is reasonable for the unfaithful partner to be accountable for his or her whereabouts.
Straightforward answers will alleviate anxiety to such questions as “How do I know you’re not going to leave the meeting early and be with her?” “Where did you meet your clients? Which restaurant? What did you order? How long did you stay there?” “When you were using the computer just now, did you write him another e-mail? Every time you use the computer, I panic.”
Separations for business or personal reasons can shake loose any newfound sense of security that may have been established. Because infidelities thrive on secrecy and opportunity, any time the unfaithful partner is out of reach, the injured person feels agitated and scared.
Absence makes the wounded heart grow fearful. You can prepare for separations with advance planning that addresses the security needs of the betrayed partner.
The unfaithful partner can show consideration for separation anxiety through frequent phone calls and updates about whereabouts and interpersonal contacts.
Check it out
Because hypervigilance results from loss of safety, it can be defused by taking steps to gradually reestablish trust.
It is perfectly reasonable for the betrayed partner to become a detective, but it is totally destructive to be an inquisitor. An inquisitor jumps out with twenty questions and tries to find out everything there is.
In contrast, a detective checks things out, follows up, and tries to get useful information. If suspicions persist, check them out. Every time something checks out as okay, trust starts to rebuild.
But what if you discover more lies? Then the relationship ends up further back than when you started, and you are sadder but wiser.
Only 17 percent of the therapists I surveyed agreed with my position statement “The betrayed spouse who becomes hypervigilant and suspicious about the whereabouts of the marital partner after an affair ends should be supported by the therapist in the attempt to track down clues to further acts of infidelity.”
Naomi’s husband finally confessed to a year-long affair with one of his clients. He swore the affair was over and that he had neither seen nor talked to his affair partner since then. Although Naomi wanted to believe him, something didn’t add up. Instead of grilling him or just waiting and wondering, she decided to do some fact checking. The affair had been discovered when she learned that her husband was spending an inordinate amount of time talking to the same mysterious person on his cell phone. To calm her fears she masqueraded as his office administrator and had copies of his office telephone records sent to the house. When they arrived, she saw that he was still making calls to this woman’s number. She had been right: the affair was still going on.
Private investigator
Before the infidelity was exposed, a wary spouse might have hired a P.I. in secret to confirm or discount his or her suspicions. At this stage of dealing with the affair’s aftermath, however, a P.I. is hired for the purpose of getting outside confirmation that the involved spouse can be trusted. As one hurt spouse said, “I want to be able to trust you, but I can’t trust your words. I can only trust what I can see and hear.”
The unfaithful partner often becomes impatient with having to prove trustworthiness and says, “Either you trust me, or you don’t.” I tell my couples that trust is not a light switch that is turned on or off. It is more like a dimmer switch that gradually goes from dark to bright.
If you are the unfaithful partner, try to imagine receiving a second bad check from the same person who bounced a check the previous week. You accepted that second check only after being reassured: “Trust me. This check is definitely good.” When that same person hands you yet another check, your first task is to call the bank yourself to see if there are sufficient funds. Even if the third check does turn out to be good, you will be calling the bank for a long time before you feel confident about cashing future checks.
Let it go
At some point, the betrayed partner does have to hang up the detective gear.
If persistent hypervigilance endures beyond a year despite investigations that corroborate truthfulness, the cause may be unresolved trust issues from previous relationships.
On the other hand, I have learned that the instincts of the betrayed spouse are surprisingly accurate in detecting further signs of deception after the initial disclosure. Suspicions of continued involvement might be justified, but if detective work becomes a new lifetime career because your partner keeps deceiving you, you need to either let go and accept that you are married to a philanderer or find a new partner.