Long after the revelation of a betrayal, people remain supersensitive and superalert. The nervous system goes into overdrive, ready to react to any additional threat. The betrayed partner who is experiencing hyperarousal is like an automobile engine that is idling on high. Just as it takes one little tap on the gas pedal for rapid acceleration, it takes just one cue to increase the pulse and reactivate the sweat glands. Rational acts of self-preservation become exaggerated into irrational acts of overprotection. Double-checking the facts turns into a full-time preoccupation. Prudent watchfulness becomes paranoia.
Physiological Hyperarousal
Reaction becomes overreaction. Disordered sleeping is common: falling asleep, staying asleep, or getting up in the morning may be difficult. Irritability, outbursts of anger, and difficulty concentrating are other symptoms of hyperarousal. Betrayed partners are easily startled by ringing telephones, dropped glasses, and the sounds of children shrieking happily.
Carolyn was still experiencing hyperreactions one month after she found out that her husband, Chas, was having an affair with Roxie, a friend from church. She was so anxious that she felt she was going to jump out of her skin. She had trouble falling asleep and then woke up in the middle of the night. In the morning, she was exhausted and didn’t want to get out of bed. She had exaggerated startle reactions when the alarm clock buzzed or a door suddenly slammed shut.
Carolyn couldn’t concentrate on anything for very long. Finally, she took a week off from work because she couldn’t function adequately, and then she went back on a part-time basis for almost two months. The anti-anxiety medication prescribed by her family doctor deepened her depression, and she began to experience fleeting suicidal thoughts. Continuing therapy and a switch of medication to antidepressants helped stabilize her mood swings after a few weeks.
Your appetite may be sharply affected. Although Carolyn had always been one of those people who habitually put on unwanted pounds during stressful times, she lost her appetite completely. She said, “I’ve lost weight, but I don’t feel thin. I just feel unwell.” Anxiety over the potential loss of a secure relationship interferes in a negative way with the capacity to eat. I have seen individuals drop fifteen pounds in one month after they discovered their partner was unfaithful, although they had been unsuccessful with scores of weight-loss programs for many years.
Emotional Hyperarousal
It is important to express emotions without being out of control. Rage and other intense feelings are common, but be careful not to add any more scar tissue. Words used as weapons have infinite power to wound.
One man confessed that no amount of time or loving communication had been able to erase the memory of his wife’s words when she found out about his affair: “She screamed unspeakable things. She told me that I had been a disappointment to her sexually. She said she hadn’t wanted to marry me in the first place.”
Although this couple decided to stay together and work on their marriage, the husband claims that his wife’s words still echo repeatedly in his ears.
Imagine yourself hearing these words from the person you always thought was your dearest supporter and companion: “I never loved you” “You’ve never turned me on” “I’ve experienced things with my lover I will never experience with you!” And these are some of the less poisonous zingers people throw at each other.
Think about the extra wounds you’ll both carry into the future when you hurl such insults at each other. Look for ways to hasten healing instead of continuing to rip off each other’s scabs. If you are the involved partner, you can make a conscious effort to concentrate on the best aspects of the marriage and avoid the self-deceptions you’ve constructed during the affair to justify it.
If you are the betrayed partner, you can avoid letting anger or despair distort the best qualities of the past relationship, so that the future isn’t so bleak. If either of you feels the need to vent, find a therapist or trusted friend.
Replace hot, raging thoughts with cool, calming ones.
Whenever you are overcome by the heat of angry thoughts, you can substitute cooler thoughts for the hot ones:
HOT: How could he do this to me? I didn’t deserve it. I was a good wife.
COOL: This isn’t about me. Even he admits I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s about his low self- esteem, and how vulnerable he was because he didn’t get the promotion he was expecting.
HOT: She promised she’d never speak to him again, and then she goes and betrays me today by talking to him at the bank.
COOL: She didn’t do it intentionally. She didn’t know what to say when she ran into him unexpectedly. And the fact that she told me about it means she really is trying.
I don’t believe it when people say they can’t control their rage. Why?
……….Just suppose that in the middle of one of these tirades, your clergyman rings the doorbell or your child’s teacher calls the house. You immediately lower your voice and talk politely.
People give themselves permission to be out of control because they feel justified.
You can choose to contain your anger.
Develop methods of containing rage and despair through self-soothing techniques such as hot baths, massage, meditation, and deep breathing.