Obsessive Thoughts

It is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn’t a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. Until you take steps to grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing. In other words, obsessive thoughts may intrude throughout the process of recovery until healing is complete, although they tend to subside as safety and openness are established in the marriage.

When obsessive thoughts are too intense or intrusive, it is important to be able to control them.

Techniques to control Obsessive Thoughts

Write Down Your Thoughts

Writing provides an outlet that helps you “let go,” at least for a while. You don’t need to clutter up your brain with all these troubling details after you commit them to paper and pen. Writing provides a safe way to express and explore thoughts and feelings without concern about the effect they may have on other people. Give yourself permission to write uncensored thoughts and follow our obsessions to the point of exhaustion. Along the way, you can gain new insights, clarify your own point of view,identify issues you want to follow up on, and uncover new strengths—all in privacy and with freedom.

Keep a journal

When you start to obsess about the infidelity, you can enhance the healing process by expressing your deepest thoughts and feelings in a personal journal. You can write at a regular time or whenever the mood strikes you. You can use the computer, an old-fashioned bound diary, or a plain spiral notebook. You can write as a spectator of these events in the reflective mode of the third person or as a cathartic expression in the first person.

People who keep journals about their traumatic experiences enhance their immune system through increased T-cell production and report fewer doctor visits and better physical health.

Write letters

You can write to your partner or to the affair partner without monitoring your words. Just let the feelings flow out of you onto the paper. Then put the letter away for a day or two and read it to yourself. Do not send it immediately. You can edit the nasty or damaging parts out of it before you decide whether or not to send it. Your partner can read your letter without being affected by the tone of your voice or the impulse to interrupt you.

Caution: Do not send anything to the affair partner without the support and input of your spouse.

Write questions

Every time you start to obsess over unanswered questions about the affair, write them down. Keep them in a safe place. When you and your partner are communicating with understanding and without blaming, you can let him or her see your list of questions. Your partner can choose which ones to answer right away and which ones need to be deferred until you’ve established more stability and caring together.

Control Your Thoughts

You can control your obsessional thoughts through several different techniques, such as limiting yourself to specific times of day, distracting yourself with other thoughts, or telling yourself to shut it out of your mind.

Schedule worry times

You can discipline yourself to worry or fret only during certain designated times of the day and for a specific amount of time, from fifteen minutes to one hour.

During this time, deliberately revisit any of the disturbing images, memories, or thoughts about the betrayal. Confining yourself in this way will keep your anxiety from contaminating every part of your life.

Choose a quiet place to obsess before or after breakfast, lunch, and dinner and possibly before bedtime as well. If a thought intrudes at any other time, tell yourself that you can’t think about it now: you have to wait until your next scheduled “worry time.”

As time goes on, you will be able to cut down on the number of worry sessions and the length of each session.

Change the channel

Imagine a remote control inside your mind that can surf from channel to channel. Whenever you’re invaded by unwanted images, switch to another program. If the past is too contaminated, focus on some future event you are looking forward to, or picture your children doing something that makes you laugh or that warms your heart. In the same way that you quickly move past TV programs that are repugnant, you can take control of your inner thoughts and lock out disturbing channels.

Practice thought-stopping

Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris suggest using the technique of thought-stopping to cope with obsessive thoughts about infidelity. The moment a negative thought or image begins to intrude, try this technique.

NOTE: It is particularly helpful if obsessive imagining of  sexual scenes is a problem.

Here are several versions:

• Shut your eyes and tell yourself subvocally to “stop” intrusive thoughts or images.
• Imagine a red stop sign and think of the word “stop.”
• Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it.
• Press your fingernails into the palms of your hand.