Affair recovery counseling is pointless if the 3rd person is in contact with either the unfaithful spouse, OR the betrayed spouse.
Perhaps the greatest source of crisis is an unplanned encounter with the affair partner.
Six months after Chris and Michelle made the decision to stay together and work on their marriage, they ran into Lara at the mall, and he waved hello to her when she smiled at him. Michelle was furious, especially when Chris said he didn’t want to appear rude by completely ignoring her overture. They didn’t talk for two days. They both felt misunderstood, and they perceived each other as insensitive. When the wall of silence came down, they agreed on a plan for future encounters. If they ever ran into Lara again, Michelle would be the one to wave hello while Chris held Michelle’s other hand.
Similarly, if a couple knows that the affair partner will be present at a social event they must attend, they can discuss ahead of time how best to demonstrate polite but firm solidarity as a couple.
Often, as the bond between the couple grows stronger, affair partners will ecalate their campaign of sabotage. They may make harassing or self-disclosing phone calls to the betrayed spouse, relentlessly pursue their former lover, or threaten suicide. It is extremely important that the involved partner not handle the affair partner unilaterally.
It must be clear to the affair partner that there will be no continuation of a secret relationship and that the married lover is committed to the marriage.
The betrayed partner must not blame his or her spouse for the affair partner’s behavior. In fact, escalating intrusions can be perceived as acts of desperation by the affair partner because the affair is truly over.
After the involved partner has said clearly and forcefully that the affair is over, there is very little the couple can do to control the affair partner’s behavior. But they can manage intrusions together by creating a united front for dealing with the affair partner. Telephone calls can be screened with caller ID or answering machines. Many couples decide to change to an unlisted phone number.
In extreme cases, some couples have had to get a restraining order against harassment by the ex-lover. A smart strategy is to refuse all contact, respond only when you are together, and share all information around any unavoidable encounters.
Step 1 of the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Program is specifically around protecting the traumatized and fragile couple whilst in the state of repair. The #1 threat to this safety is the 3rd person. Our program ensures the unfaithful partner COMMITS to not contacting the 3rd person, for at least the duration for the program.