Setbacks are inevitable, so it is important not to confuse a lapse or relapse with a state of total collapse. A lapse is a little slip with a quick recovery, and a relapse is a regression to a prior state of distress followed by a slow recovery. In contrast, a collapse is complete disintegration with little hope of recovery.

Recovery depends on a genuine desire to change, an ability to empathize, and the capacity to exercise self-control.

Relapses happen when people under stress get tired, discouraged, fearful, or simply lose focus and revert to previous unconscious patterns. Essentially, they are communications or interactions that go awry.

Sooner or later, the betrayed partner will react with bitterness, sarcasm, or blaming to something the involved partner has honestly shared. Inevitably, at some point, the involved partner won’t have the patience to endure one more hysterical outburst.

Without meaning to, one or the other will have a poor response and set off a chain reaction of emotional explosions.

Triggers for Relapses

In the early months of recovery, relapses frequently occur when things seem to be going especially well. It might seem that there is always a terrible storm or argument after a wonderful night of lovemaking. Emotional and physical intimacy are contingent on letting down walls and taking the risk of being vulnerable. Baring your body and soul may be followed by doubt and self-recrimination. Distancing, fighting, or hateful inquisitions inexplicably appear after intimacy awakens anxiety. These defensive maneuvers serve to create a protective shield.

Relapses can also be triggered by familiar traits that were tolerated before but are no longer acceptable because they evoke fears of further betrayal.

Ken had always been a bit flirtatious, and Kris had perceived it as a sign of his warm, friendly personality. However, after his affair, she was easily provoked if he bantered in a joking manner with other women. Every dinner in a restaurant with an attractive waitress became a battleground where they were armed for conflicting roles of attack and defend. Finally, Ken was willing to examine his behavior through Kris’s eyes to prevent the continuous relapses. He learned to be more businesslike with female clerks and other service stiff, and Kris learned to show her appreciation over his restraint.

Coping with Relapses

Because it is impossible to avoid relapses, it makes sense to try to understand them when they occur. In the heat of the moment, you can strive for early recognition that you have gotten off track. Then you can short-circuit a chain reaction by suggesting that you both calm down first. After you have some distance, you can discuss the relapse as a source of information about areas in your relationship that need further work.

The resulting discussion is an opportunity for the two of you to practice compassionate communication.

Ask yourselves “What just happened?” and “What can we do differently in the future?” Productive discussions can bring you farther along the road to recovery than if the relapse had never happened.

Attitude is everything. If you and your partner are prepared for these retro moments, you will not be derailed by them.

How to Take Care of Yourself

To cope with continuing traumatic reactions, it is important to take care of yourself in the best way you can. Living with continuous stress can lower your immune system and make you more vulnerable to illness. Invigorating mental and physical activities will help to offset the negative impact of traumatic reactions on your health.

If your everyday habits are anchored in healthy choices, healing is easier .

Reactivate Fulfilling Activities

Being active is one of the best antidotes for both the jitters and the blues. Schedule satisfying activities back into your life. Some of these activities can be done together, and some of them need to be done apart. One overwrought wife decided to take piano lessons again as a way to focus her attention and lay out a program of personal accomplishment that would help her regain some sense of self-esteem. One errant husband decided to start swimming laps again, both for the physical benefits and the emotional benefits of time alone to grieve the loss of his lover.

Laughter enhances the immune system by increasing natural killer cells.6 Watch comedies that tickle your funny bone instead of action movies that make you tense. Energize your weak inner battery by getting involved in a special project that will energize you with its own momentum. If you are too emotionally exhausted for something active, listen to some music that gives you a sense of well-being.

Look Out for Your Physical Health

As far as physical health is concerned, the advice your mother gave you regarding sleep, food, and exercise still stands. Be sure to get enough sleep; sleep deprivation leads to irritability and depressed mood. Some people are tempted to escape through overeating, overdrinking, oversmoking, or overusing drugs. These behaviors compound bad experiences and make them worse. Exercise, eat nutriously, and participate in centering activities such as meditation or yoga. You will maximize the personal resources you need to meet the challenges you are facing.

When you take care of your body, you have the added benefit of taking care of your mind and your emotions, because mind and body are really different aspects of the same organic system. In the process, you improve your mood, boost your confidence, and restore your personal resources.

Look Out for Your Mental Health

Almost everyone going through this difficult experience needs time alone to integrate what has happened and begin to mend. You may need more support than you can provide for yourself.

Talking to a therapist can give you a safe place to work through your individual and relationship issues. However, it may not be possible to work on relationship issues until both partners are more stable.

Both betrayed partners and involved partners may need antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication to cope with their overwhelming emotions.

Consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional if:

• Your ability to function in daily life is seriously compromised.
• Your discussions with your partner are explosive with accusations and avoidance.
• The intimacy in your relationship is markedly decreasing as time goes on.
• One or both of you is still ambivalent about whether you want to work on the relationship.
• Either of you is homicidal or suicidal.