Family life is knit together with rituals and celebrations. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, graduations, and deaths can provoke crises when they occur before the couple has rebuilt a united front. Having to put on a smiling face in front of others while still feeling unsettled is very unsettling. Putting on the façade of a committed couple when the commitment is unstable is destabilizing.
We connect with those closest to us when we raise a glass or applaud the honoree. And, consciously or not, we tend to compare and contrast how this year compares to last: How do I feel now in contrast to how I anticipated I would be feeling? Any disappointment or discontinuity tends to get magnified at such times, and we end up feeling worse than if it were just an ordinary day.
Major events in the life cycle, such as anniversaries and family celebrations, can be planned for concretely.
Talking together about realistic expectations and potential sources of further damage is the key.
Six weeks after Karen learned about Karl’s affair with his paralegal, their daughter got engaged. They had planned to invite his partners and office staff to the wedding, but his affair partner still worked for the law firm. Karen couldn’t bear the thought of her husband’s lover, Britney, being present for their daughter’s wedding vows. Karl didn’t want to incite office gossip by deliberately omitting her from the guest list. After many tears and angry words, the wedding crisis was resolved by limiting the guest list to Karl’s law partners.