Though it is not quite as serious as being with another person, financial infidelity can cause similar issues in regard to trust. Not only do you have to work through this aspect of the relationship, you usually have to work to get out of a financial mess that happened as a result of the financial infidelity.
Particularly if you and your man have joint accounts will you notice that money is going missing in large sums and at places you know you didn’t spend it.
At the start of any relationship both men like to give their men gifts to show they like them and to make them feel special. They may start to stay in hotel rooms and splash out on lunches and dinners to spend time together.
The money will be spent on presents for their man so if you feel it is your husband that is cheating and on your statement it you notice that there are a number of withdrawals or transactions from shops you don’t recognize, you should ask. If money seems to be spent with little evidence, you should be quite entitled to ask where all the money is going. If it is your birthday or anniversary coming up wait till after. But if things don’t seem to tally up you should ask.
If large sums of money do go missing, your man may want to pay for something in cash so it doesn’t show up on a statement. When either man spends a lot of money on something it should be discussed and agreed on by both of you. If you man starts getting defensive because they can’t explain what the money was spent on, then this is not acceptable.
If your statement shows up automatic payments going out, you aren’t paying anything off, and the electrical and phone bills are accounted for then you should ask what it is.
If you don’t have joint accounts but all of a sudden money starts getting tight, start taking notice of where money is getting spent. If no one has lost their job or there are no extra bills there should be no reason for money problems.
Look out for any receipts in the bin, in pockets, in the car or lying around. If it was for things like petrol or food take note of the date, time and area they were purchased. Your man may have supposed to have been at work at this time across the other side of town. Make a diary of all of them and see if you start to notice a pattern.
A Step by Step Plan to move forward from financial cheating
The first step is to begin with a meeting where the person who has been hiding financial transactions comes completely clean. Both people in the relationship should be completely honest about all of their financial mistakes in the past, so that you know what you are working with and can begin to truly repair the damage done. This means bringing out every credit card, every loan you have and any other financial pieces of information you may have hidden in the past.
Next both parties need to commit to working through this together. The person who was not aware of the situation may need time to adjust and wrap their head around the problem. This problem will not be fixed overnight and the person who hid things should not expect their spouse to be able to adjust quickly and/or be ready and eager to fix the problem.
If the problem is serious enough the couple should consider seeing a marriage counsellor to begin rebuilding the relationship or to determine if it is best to end the relationship now.
The reasons for financial infidelity should be looked at and addressed. For example, if one spouse is a compulsive shopper, she/he should join a group that will help work through the addiction. Additionally, that spouse needs to be willing to change daily patterns so that shopping does not continue to be a problem.
If one spouse has a gambling problem, that spouse should join a group that can help him/her address the gambling addiction and create a new pattern of behavior that will help them stop gambling completely. The commitment of the spouse who has made mistakes to this part of the process can help the relationship heal and give the man a chance to forgive and recommit to the relationship.
The next step is putting together a new budget and a plan to clear up the debt. This needs to be done as a team. Access to all of the accounts need to be given to both spouses so that each spouse can check on balances and make payments on the debt. Start by creating a debt payment plan for the debts. The budget may need to be tightened up so that there is extra money to put towards the debt.
Additionally, you may need to bring in extra income to clear up the debts. This may require selling items, or getting a part-time job in addition to your regular job. The more money you can find to throw at the debts the more quickly they will be cleared up. In order for this to work both people need to work together on this, if one is reluctant to work on the finances you may need to address the underlying causes of not working together financially.
Regular meetings about the budget and financial situation are essential to get the relationship and finances back on track. These meetings need to be calm. It does not help the situation to continue to bring up and dwell on past mistakes. The meetings should cover the money spent since the last meeting on all accounts. It should look at what categories in the budget have reached the spending limit, and it should review the balance in all of the accounts. At first you may need to meet each day, and then once a week.
This is a process and it will take time to repair the relationship to where it was before this happened. Every time there is another indiscretion, the process begins again. If the behaviour does not change permanently the marriage may eventually end. Some spouses choose to keep separate finances, but this may be detrimental to the marriage. There are courses designed to help couples learn to handle finances.
Each person is going to be dealing with different emotions throughout the entire process. A counsellor can help you work through these emotions. If the problem continues to happen a separation and time away from the relationship may make it easier for each person to make the commitment to the relationship. If one party is unwilling or unable to make the changes necessary to change past behaviours or forgive the other person, it is okay to end the relationship. However, it is best to not make the decision lightly.