The Emotional Affairs

An emotional affair can be defined as:

“A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.”

In this view, neither sexual intercourse nor physical affection is necessary to affect the committed relationship(s) of those involved in the affair. It is theorized that an emotional affair can injure a committed relationship more than a one night stand or other casual sexual encounters. Such closeness can also be a reaction to separate injury in the relationship, and indeed can be utilized to resolve the injury and heal the primary relationship.

This type of affair is commonly referred to as an emotional affair. Although some would not consider an emotional entanglement an affair, this type of relationship can be just as devastating and destructive as a sexual affair. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the other partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer

Emotional affairs are not commonly talked about and frequently their lack of sexual involvement is used as a rationalization as to why it’s not an affair. Maybe you’ve heard the following sentence, “We were just really close but we didn’t have sex. It was just an emotional affair!” But technicalities in no way absolve the reality of the situation. Usually, when you have to put the word “just” in front of the word there’s a problem. Denial of the attraction and limerence felt may be exhibited by the cheating partner, but a similar denial and minimisation may also be defensively deployed by the excluded partner as well, to avoid confrontation.

Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception shows that those involved believe they are doing something that undermines the existing relationship, whether because they feel the action is inherently wrong, or because they fear retribution from an unnecessarily jealous partner.

Characteristics of the Emotional Affair

• Boundary issues are a factor.
• Your partner is better friends with another individual than they are with you.
• Your partner keeps secrets with their friend rather than with you.
• Your partner does not want to choose between their friend and you.
• Your partner wants to stay married.

How do you know if you are being emotionally unfaithful to your partner?

• When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues? By the time you get home, have you chewed it all over so much at the office that you don’t feel like telling that joke again to your spouse?

• Do you discuss all of your work problems (or issues involving volunteer work or other important things you are involved in) so thoroughly with colleagues that you’re all talked out by the time you return home? Do you feel like it would take too long to review and explain the entire issue from scratch to your spouse?

• Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?

• Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation with someone of the opposite sex at a cocktail party?

• Do you believe that getting emotionally excited by flirting with someone of the opposite sex is helpful to your marriage? Do you think it helps educate you as to what you need more of from your spouse? Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting brings more vitality to your marriage?

• Do you spend as long buying the “right gift” for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your own spouse?

• Do you share intimate issues about yourself or marriage with a member of the opposite sex?

If you’re doing any of these things, you’re being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse. You have only so much energy. If you’re spending it with coworkers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend any more on your spouse, that’s emotional infidelity.

Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all your emotional and sexual energy home to your spouse, and you, too, will change your marriage immediately.