Private investigation

Today Show host asks:

“What percentage of people that you follow, do you find out are having affairs?”

 

Private Investigator answers:

“95% of people we follow are actually having affairs.”

 

Sometimes there is no way to know when partners are having an affair because their actions may seem perfectly normal. They might be able to look you in the eye and convince you that nothing is going on. Do not blame yourself if you have been kept in the dark. On the other hand, each potentially suspicious sign could indicate something other than an affair, such as depression or midlife changes.

You can’t tell whether your partner is having an affair from just one piece of evidence. You need to identify a pattern of unusual behavior. A change from the norm or a pattern of opposite behaviors with unpredictable ups and downs is suspicious.

The best clue is trusting your own gut instinct, especially if you have never been suspicious or jealous before. What if you don’t trust your gut instinct but you still need to know. Then you need to invest in private investigation. A P.I, or private investigator will gather the evidence and either prove or disprove your theories.

Hiring a Detective

By the time a suspicious spouse hires a detective, bitter accusations and heated denials have occurred for months and perhaps for years. The relationship is characterized by distrust and discord. In some cases, the suspicious partner has been accused of being paranoid and pathologically jealous.

Detectives often find that there has been an opportunity to consummate an illicit relationship in a private place, such as a motel. They may use video cameras to prove there has been a display of affection.

Private investigators who are hired by a suspicious partner are able to corroborate cheating in a preponderance of the cases.

For over two decades, Trent had subjected his wife, Thelma, to questions about her daily activities because of a gut feeling that she was being unfaithful. This was in spite of her apparent devotion to him and their four children. Not only Thelma, but I, as their marital therapist, told him he was being overly possessive and irrationally jealous. Trent finally hired a detective. The detective provided indisputable evidence that Thelma was having an affair with the landscape architect who was designing a lily pond in their backyard.

After grueling inquisitions day and night, she eventually confessed that she had been with ten other men since the beginning of their relationship. Trent’s rage and humiliation at having been deceived for so long could not be healed by her coerced confession. As their therapist, I was as stunned as Trent by the extent of Thelma’s secret life. The marriage eventually ended because they were unable to establish a feeling of trust and security.

Private investigators agree that Valentines Day is the best time to catch cheating spouses. Unfaithful partners who are having love affairs are apt to plan romantic trysts on that holiday. Men and women use different ploys to sneak out of town with their lover; men may use the excuse that they have to be away on business, and women may say they have to visit a sick relative.

A survey by Todd Shackelford and David Buss found 70 cues to suspicions of sexual or emotional infidelity. One of the most predictive emotional cues was no longer saying “I love you” to one’s partner. Opposite behaviors toward another person, such as increased references or a reluctance to discuss him or her, stood out as other signals of emotional infidelity.

A 1997 study by Todd Shackelford and David Buss asked 204 men and women to list cues that would evoke suspicions of either sexual or emotional infidelity. Sexual signals were detecting sexual odors or other unfamiliar scents and abrupt or unexpected changes in sexual interest. Other signals were changes in clothing style or taste in books or music. Most devastating was accidentally calling one’s spouse by another person’s name. Cues to infidelity, Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 23 (10), 1034-1045.

Warning Signs of Infidelity

Here are some warning signs from real life private investigators.

• Privacy:
  • More phone calls taken privately; staying up later and using the computer after everyone is in bed; having the beeper always on hand.
• Schedules:
  • More time away from home; longer working hours; more out-of-town travel; more evening or weekend meetings. The explanations for these changes may be overly detailed, or they may be blanket excuses, such as “the new project” or “the planning board” or “my yoga class.”
• Interests:
  • A sudden and intense interest in a new activity that is deliberately not shared with the partner, such as motorcycles, sports cars, or country-western dancing.
• Personal Habits:
  • Preoccupation with personal appearance; abrupt transformation in hair or clothing style, especially a new image more appropriate at a singles bar; efforts to lose weight that involve changes in eating or exercise habits; purchasing new, sexy underwear.
• Children:
  • Uneven and inconsistent attention to children, sometimes angry and impatient with them and sometimes lavishing attention on them; not noticing the routine details of children’s lives.
• Money:
  • Less open about expenditures; checks missing from the family bank account or questionable credit card charges; spending more money on restaurants, hotels, motels, or gifts or on enhancing own attractiveness and desirability.
• Personal Interaction with Spouse:
  • Unpredictable behavior that can sometimes be rejecting and critical and sometimes overly clingy; may give the impression that he or she would rather be alone and does not want to talk or be touched; may start arguments and storm out for a few mysterious hours away from home.
• Sex and Affection:
  • May have increased sexual desire, and sex may be more passionate; new techniques may be tried or broached, or there may be an avoidance of sexual contact—or both at different times; less spontaneous affection and fewer romantic kisses.
• Social Life:
  • Avoids including spouse in familiar social settings with people from work or the neighborhood; or, may want to go out more with others and avoid being alone with spouse.