5 Strategies to get your man to tell the truth

People are driven or motivated by two emotions:

Fear of Loss
Hope of gain

However, to begin with, it helps to understand why people lie. Typically, deceptive behavior is driven by fear of loss – fear of being:

Embarrassed
Punished
Rejected

Whether we realize it or not, fear works overtime to protect us from harm – it influences a lot of our responses, especially our deceptive behavior. In fact, even when we claim to lie out of kindness or to protect another’s feelings – fear is often lurking in the background.

For instance, when asked to comment on a spouse’s or man’s appearance – the common “how do I look” question, white lies are often told – “you look great.” Not only do such lies spare another’s feelings, but they also protect us from having to deal all the hassles and problems that come with telling the truth. That is, dealing with a man’s worries, insecurities, frustrations, or even his or her potential backlash. If you doubt this, the next time you are asked a difficult question – be very candid and pay close attention to what happens.

Realizing that deception is driven by fear is the key to getting people to be more truthful. Overall, people are more likely to be candid with you when you do things to alleviate their fears.

And there are many strategies that you can use to make people more comfortable telling the truth. It should be noted, however, that the strategies listed here do not work well when trying to get a spouse or man to talk about serious matters such as infidelity.

Strategy 1: Limit The Use of Questions When Trying to Get Others to Tell The Truth

The first strategy to getting people to be honest deals with limiting the number of questions you ask.

For instance, asking…

where were you?
who were you with?
what were you doing?

… is not always a good idea because it often leads other people to be less candid.

Expert interrogators know better than to ask a lot of questions when interviewing suspects – it only puts suspects on guard. And while most people are not interrogating a suspect, the same principle applies in everyday conversations. Generally speaking, asking a lot of questions tends to make people more cautious, which ultimately leads them to give less truthful responses.

When you ask a lot of questions, people assume that you are trying to gather information AND that you want to do something with that information. As such, asking a lot of questions makes people more careful and they tend to give more evasive answers – just to play it safe.

Asking someone a lot of questions also tend to make people feel less in control – it takes away their sense of freedom. People like to feel like they have some choice over what they talk about. So when you ask a lot of questions, people feel like they are being imposed upon. And when this happens, people often lie as a means of protecting their privacy or as an attempt to regain their autonomy. And once people start withholding information they tend not to change course.

If you want someone to talk about an issue, rather than ask questions, it helps to offer similar information about yourself. When people disclose information about themselves, their is an obligation to do the same – this is “reciprocity” at work. For example, if someone offers you details about their day, what they did, who they ran into, what they thought about… you should do the same. People are designed to treat others as they are treated. Kindness is generally met with kindness, meanness with meanness, and information with information.

Moreover, this type of interaction seems more spontaneous and natural than asking a lot of questions. For the most part, talking about yourself tends to be a great way to get other people to talk.

Strategy 2: React Calmly When Others Tell You The Truth

The second strategy involves reacting calmly when hearing about things that upset you. If you react poorly when told the truth, that is, you fly-off-the-handle, pout, sulk, act aggressively, or behave in some other unpleasant manner, you are essentially punishing people for telling you something that you did not want to hear.

If you behave this way, people learn that it is not safe to tell you the truth. People learn that they should protect themselves and that it is in their best interest to hide things from you. In fact, the information that you react the most poorly to is the very information that people learn to keep from . For example, if you get overly upset because your spouse had lunch with his or her ex, well if it happens again, this is one of the things that he or she will try to hide from you in the future.

When we react poorly to things we don’t like to hear we are simply telling people exactly what they need to lie to us about in the future. Reacting poorly to the truth is like providing others with a list of things they need to conceal.

This dynamic is very easy to see within a family setting. The person who reacts the mostly poorly to information is usually the last one to find out what is really going on.

In short, if you want to be cut-out of the information loop, react poorly and people will work hard to keep things from you.

So to get people to be more honest with you in the future, it is very important to react in calm, cool, and rational manner when confronted with things that you do not particularly like to hear. The more calmly you deal with the truth – the more people will tell you the truth.

If you are upset by what you hear, it is ok to let people know that you are upset, as long as it is not done in a way that is overly critical, attacking, or tries to make the other person feel bad. Telling someone that you are upset by what happened, without reacting poorly is hard and it takes practice, but it does lead to more truthful exchanges in the long run.

When you make someone pay a heavy price for being honest with you – they will not tell you the truth for very long.

Strategy 3: Practice Empathy

Another important strategy when trying to get people to be truthful involves the use of empathy. We have a fundamental need to feel understood, to have someone understand our point of view, to get where we are coming from. So the more willing you are to understand another’s point of view, the more willing that person will be to open-up and share things with you.

We inherently trust someone who has the ability see things from our own perspective. We just feel more safe and comfortable talking to people who get us, even if that person does not necessarily agree with us. For instance, a professional interrogator is much more likely to get a confession when he or she can empathize with the suspect’s point of view (as disturbing as it sounds).

Likewise, parents are more likely to hear the truth about happened on a Saturday night when they try to understand why one of their kids did not make it home on time. And a spouse is much more likely to tell the truth about having lunch with an ex, when a current man understands that keeping in touch with an ex is important to do.

Although these examples vary widely, the principle underlying them remains the same: People are more likely to be candid and forthcoming with someone who understands where they are coming from.

Strategy 4: Build Trust With Others

Having a reputation as someone who is straightforward is helpful when trying to get at the truth. If you have been caught in a lie it can be much more difficult to get other people to be honest with you. Again, people have an overwhelming need to treat others as they have been treated .

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to lie to someone who has been dishonest with you? Do you really feel that you owe someone the truth when they have misled you in the past?

So, when trying to get others to be honest, it helps to point out how truthful and straightforward you are (i.e., “I’ve always been honest with you.”). This strategy only works if people trust you – when you have not been caught telling a lie.

Strategy 5: Bluffing Is Also Effective When Trying Get At The Truth

Unfortunately, one of the best ways to get at the truth is to pretend to know it – the bluff. People do not like getting caught in a lie, so if they are convinced that you already know what has happened – they are much more likely to tell you (as long as they haven’t lied about the topic already. Again, once people lie they tend to stick with their story).

Saying things like the following can be very effective at getting men to talk:

I know what is going on….
I know what happened…
Someone told me…
Let’s talk about it…

However, bluffing is a very HIGH RISK strategy. It can backfire and cause serious damage to your relationship. If your spouse has not done anything or does not believe you – he or she calls your bluff – now you have been caught in a lie.

It may be best to use this strategy only as a last resort – when you feel that your relationship is coming to an end and you just want to know the truth. And this strategy rarely works with serious issues such as infidelity. People often lie about infidelity, even when confronted with evidence to the contrary.

Some Final Considerations On Getting A Man To Be More Truthful

If you consistently use these strategies, people will be more likely to tell you the truth, but up to a point. For very serious issues, such as infidelity, men are likely to lie no matter what you do. And while using these strategies is likely to get men and spouses to be more honest and forthcoming, they come with a price.

First, the strategies are sometimes hard to follow – they may require you to behave in ways that run counter to your true feelings. For instance, it is not always easy to forgive others or react calmly when you are really upset. And doing so can even feel a little dishonest. There is a fine line between getting a man to talk and being honest yourself.

Second, knowing the truth is not always pleasant. While knowing the truth may allow you to make better decisions in the long run, it does not usually bring a lot of immediate rewards. Knowing the truth is difficult and uncomfortable. The truth often hurts.

People who are out-of-the-loop, but do not know it, are usually happier than those who are in the know. Ignorance can be blissful. So, it often helps to consider whether you really want to know the truth before you pursue it.

It Helps To Forgive Mistakes

As noted, everyone holds expectations about how their husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, should behave. In fact, romantic couples place a lot of expectations on each other. People have expectations about how their men should spend their free time, behave at work, act in social situations, and so on.

And for the most part, women try to live up to their man’s expectations. In general, women do not like to disappoint their romantic men. No one seeks out disapproval – we desire acceptance and want our spouses to like us.

With that said, however, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and falls short of their partners expectations from time to time. When this happens, it is important to forgive people for their mistakes and shortcomings. If you constantly remind a man of their flaws or slip-ups, they are likely to hide similar things from you in the future. For example: If your spouse has too much to drink one evening, and you constantly bring it up, odds are good that he or she will try to hide similar behavior from you the next time it happens.

On the other hand, if you forgive your man for what he has done, you are much more likely to find out about similar mistakes in the future.