My husband cheated on me with a man

Finding out that your husband is gay happens to thousands of women. This is a situation that affects over 4 million women and their gay husbands in this country, as well as millions more throughout the world.

The Family Pride Coalition in New Zealand found the following:
• 20 percent of all gay men in America are in a heterosexual marriage.
• 50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children.
• 40 percent of all lesbians in America are married to a male partner.
• 75 percent of all lesbians have children.

Many times it is the way in which this information is disclosed which creates a trauma within itself.

• A midnight phone call from the husband boyfriend
• One of your adult children seeing their father kissing another man a gay bar
• The wife finding the husbands current membership at a gay sex club

For other women, the news comes directly from the husband, but will take some time to register:

• “the reason why we don’t have sex is because I don’t have sexual feelings towards women”
• “I’ve been waiting to for the children be be old enough to tell you that I’m gay, and want to live the rest of my life as a gay man.”
• “I have feelings for men but I want to try and make our marriage work too.”

Then there are the men that just walk out the door, and you find out why though your own painful investigation.

How could my straight husband be gay?

The simple answer is that he was never a straight man. His sexuality was determined way before you met, however, he may not have been in tune with his own feelings and body for various reasons.

There is a great deal of pressure in our culture to be straight, and people often try to mold the lives to fit in. They repress their sexuality and deny their attraction to people of the same sex. They want to be normal, so they date, marry, and have children. Men often believe that when they marry, the homosexual feelings will go away. Marriage will “fix” them.

But eventually their feelings of attraction for other men become overwhelming. They recognize that their sexual fantasies are often about men, and they find themselves longing for a relationship with a man. At some point they must admit to themselves that although they love their wives and the children, the desire for a same-sex relationship can longer be ignored.

When men finally decide to come out of the closet, although it maybe freeing to ascend from darkness, it is truly devastating to themselves, they wives, and their families. Many of these marriages have lasted for decades and there are rarely simple solutions to this dilemma.

See Exit Affairs & Spilt Self Affairs

Bonny Kaye M.Ed, who specializes in this area, gives this advice to gay men; “Living a double life is debilitating to you and your family. Never believe your wife doesn’t know that something is wrong. Most likely, she is internalizing that your unhappiness is because of something wrong that she is doing which is not the case. We both know she could be the best wife in the world — but you are a gay man who needs a man. If you truly love her, you won’t want her to suffer this way anymore.”

Official Gay Husband Checklist

Bonnie Kaye wrote “The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder“, and says, the most frequently asked question I receive as a counselor is this: “Is there any way to definitely know if my husband is gay before or during the marriage?”

Bonnie says you need to take notice of some of these behaviors:

• There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage that never picks up again. He tries to convince you that all relationships have a decline in sex even when you’ve only been together for a few years.
• He is turned-off by normal sexual activity and accuses you of being oversexed, aggressive, or a nymphomaniac when you have normal sexual needs.
• His sexual performance is more mechanical than passionate with a lack of satisfying foreplay.
• He claims he is “depressed” and will blame his depression or medication for depression for his lack of sexual desire for you.
• You find sexual enhancers such as Viagra or Cialis hidden in his private hiding places, but you know he hasn’t made any attempt to have sex with you.
• He tells you that he wants you to use sex toys on him because he needs his prostate stimulated or because he likes kinky sex.
• He erases the computer history on a regular basis.
• You find pop-ups of gay pornography on the computer while he claims they are not his.
• He spends excessive time texting people at irregular hours.
• He starts to spend more time at the gym and works on changing his appearance.
• He claims that he feels “trapped” in the marriage and won’t explain why.
• He travels a lot for business and you can’t track his activities.
• He says he is having a “mid-life crisis” and becomes moody and depressed.
• He tells you about sexual abuse in his childhood/adolescence.
• He admits to having a homosexual encounter in the past.
• He uses the word “bisexual.”
• He visits gay bars claiming he’s there only to hang out with his gay friend(s).
• He watches porno movies with gay male scenes.
• He makes continual homophobic comments or he makes too many gay comments in conversations.
• His ego appears to be boosted by compliments from gay men.

Although the trauma of being a straight spouse can be overwhelming, it is important to realize that the situation you find yourself in, is not your fault.

Key Issues facing a Straight Spouse

What are our next steps?

If your husband comes out of the closet, this will be a very tough time for you, especially if you have little or no clue about his inclination. Getting professional advice can help you decide what to do next. Learning that your husband is gay may not be acceptable to you, and you may decide to divorce or leave. This is your choice, and only you know the right path to take. Divorced in and of itself can be devastating; hostile divorce is genetic and debilitating especially for the children.

Seek out mediators in your area who can help you dissolve your marriage without contempt or unnecessary litigation. Before you jump to any conclusions about the future of your marriage you need to know that there’re many couples who have decided to stay together for lots of reasons:

• They love each other
• They love the family
• They have financial reasons
• They are best of friends

Such was a case in Las Vegas a few years back, when the wife was deciding the fate of her 25 year marriage to a man who had just come out of the closet. I have an approach which I call “slower is faster” – where the couple is not to make any life-changing decisions for a set period of time, just to commit to talking daily with the prescribed monologue system I provide. Within a few months, in a couple session, the wife said;

“Dr. Ellis, we have decided to remain husband-and-wife. The greatest challenge we face is explaining our decision to our teenage daughter. However, we realize we are best of friends, and have the most amazing home life together. We have an amazing social group and family. We cook together, we laugh together, we do road trips together, we have the same financial dreams and goals…..”

One of the obvious questions you might be asking is…” what about their sex life?” Naturally, their sex life together will be nonexistent going forward. But the details of the individuals’ sex life would be agreed to,  and reviewed by the couple as time progresses.

In the case above with my client, she admitted she had no desire for any form of sexual relationship (this was after working with me, a clinical psychologist, & another Las Vegas sex therapist), so it made sense to remain married to her best friend and soulmate, as she put it. She was also open to the husband deciding on how he was going to handle his sexual urges. The husband was not sure on if he was going to have the boyfriend in Utah or to be celibate. I reminded the husband about how easy it is to go back into “fantasyland” – and, as the wife is open to him having a boyfriend, then he should stick to that monologue.

It’s important to know that nothing is set in stone. Empathy and flexibility is the order of the day.

If you decide to stay in your marriage, you’ll need some help figuring out how to satisfy yourself sexually and deal with other difficult issues that will inevitably arise.

When you get help, make sure you do with someone who will support your decision to stay. Many therapists will not understand. That’s because situations like yours, although somewhat common, are commonly not discussed, and many professionals simply don’t support nontraditional choices. Also, do not use life coaches with these issues. Life coaches are trained to ask you questions, and for you to come up with your own answers. Life coaches are not subject matter experts.

See Types Of Helping Professionals

Again if you can’t find a marriage family therapist in your area look at the list of helpful resources below.

TIPS

• You will need both individual and couple counseling
• Ensure the counselor is appropriately qualified and has experience in helping with this specific issue. Life Coaches ARE NOT educated or skilled to help with “Coming Out” affairs.
• Decide what you both can and cannot live with. Some people can look past sexual preference and some can’t.
• Don’t assume your marriage is over. Some straight/gay marriages are happy unions. However, studies show that out of 15% of couples who try to make it work, only 7% last after learning one spouse is gay
• Accept that it takes two to make a marriage. One spouse can’t save a marriage alone.
• Get checked immediately for sexually transmitted diseases, whether or not your partner admits to any sexual infidelity.
• Remember that no one can turn a person gay.
• Do take care of yourself as you go through the grieving process. Your marriage as you knew it is over. If you stay married, it will be changed. Try to accept this reality and move on with your lives.
• Don’t let the years of deception and the sense of betrayal take away from the good times and the positive memories you had in your marriage.

Children of a “Coming Out” Parent

Children from straight-gay marriages have more problems than most of us previously realized. Unfortunately, many of them have bottled up their feelings because they don’t want to make you, their mothers, to feel any worse than you already do.

These children grew up in homes where there were lies, deception, and often emotional or physical abuse that impacted the family dynamics throughout their lifetimes. Many of these issues remain with them as they enter adulthood and need to be addressed and resolved for their own personal growth. If not, they are likely to have problems in their own future relationships and marriages.

Some of the issues adult children deal with include:

• Establishing trust in their own relationships or future relationships with their partners due to on-going secrets and lies while growing up
• Low self-esteem because some of them were “keepers of the secret” living with guilt and feeling blame
• Questioning of their own sexuality coming from a gay parent and whether or not this has been passed down
• Anxiety due to family problems between their parents in situations based on daily deceptions
• Abandonment issues when the gay parent moved to his/her new life
• Acceptance of their fathers’ new lifestyle and partners
• Fear of rejection in their relationships/marriages if the news comes out
• Fear of their future generations and the “gay gene” possibility
• Questioning how many family problems that impacted their thinking was due to their gay fathers’ perceptions and how much of it was reality-based

TIPS:

• Telling your children depends on their age and understanding. You may need professional guidance to deal with this. It is important to know you are not to blame for this situation.
• Find a support group – either online or a local group

Times are Changing

IRI coaches & therapists have found some clients in this situation, grew up in generations where being gay was not accepted. There was no support for the man who had feelings for another man. There was no “Google” to research answers. On a personal level, my own best friend in Sydney who came out to his wife and two teenage children, described what it was like to grow up in Sydney’s suburbs and struggle with his sexual identity;

“I remember having stronger “tingles” looking at Billy, than Susie. But who was I going to talk to about that! My father? My Mother? A friend or teacher? There was no-one. I didn’t know anyone else who was gay. Before I knew it, my girlfriend was pregnant. There was no choice on what I had to do. I was told to marry her. I did love her, and I knew I had to work hard and provide for my family. It wasn’t about me. There came a point where I physically could not have sex with her anymore. I would feel nauseous. It wasn’t her fault. I had to speak the truth…”

When a man has been living a lie his entire life, and he no longer desires a domestic relationship with the wife, then trying to save the marriage is toxic to the wife and children. The wife and children will need at least a year to process the changes, and adjust to the reality of having a “gay” father and ex-husband.

One mother explains summarizes her marriage to a gay man;

I don’t for a minute question that my husband loved me when we married, when our children were born and for many years after that. Neither do I doubt for a second that if, when he was growing up, he had had the basic human right to love a man, be openly loving with a man and eventually celebrate the joys of marriage with a man, that all of this pain would have been avoided.

Just the other day, our younger child asked me: “But Mum, I don’t understand: did Dad just wake up one morning and realise he was gay?”

“I don’t really know, darling,” I said. “What I do know is that you will never have to go through this. Because we talk about sexuality nowadays. We know that being gay is fine, but Dad grew up in a time when that just wasn’t allowed.”

“Well, that’s just stupid,” he said.

“Yes, darling, it is stupid. But thankfully, times are changing,” I replied.

Helpful Resources:

• Straight Spouse New Zealand http://www.straightspousenetwork.co.nz
• Straight Spouse Network Australia http://ssnaustralia.wordpress.com/
• The Straight Spouse Network (USA) http://www.straightspouse.org
• Bonnie Kaye (USA) http://www.gayhusbands.com
• South Florida Connects  http://www.southfloridaconnects.com
• Straight Partners Anonymous (UK) http://www.straightpartnersanonymous.co.uk/
• Straight forward (Canada)  http://www.straight-forward.ca/who.html