Practically everyone I know has cheated at least once. I think that proves my point:

………Monogamy is unnatural.

 

MARRIAGES DON’T exist in isolation, and neither do affairs. The way we fall in love, commit our allegiance to another person, and break our commitments all happen within a larger social context. We are born male or female, thus automatically falling under certain expectations for our roles in life. Even when differences in sex are accounted for, personal and social filters still lead people to see the world in different ways.

Our moral and religious values are derived from the neighborhood and family we grew up in. We are influenced by what we learned in school. We formed expectations based on the cultural messages we received as children and now receive as adults. And, most important, we watch very closely what our friends and colleagues say and do.

These important but often overlooked outside influences can help explain why some spouses cross the line into infidelity and others do not. Along with individual and relationship vulnerabilities, social and cultural factors are the missing links. These factors account for why some people stay monogamous while others either seek opportunity or offer no resistance when opportunity knocks.

Here is the irony: we live in a culture that professes to value monogamy but at the same time undercuts monogamy significantly by glamorizing illicit love affairs and commercializing sexualtitillation. This is analogous to the way our society prizes thinness while it pushes junk food.

If you want to choose a mate who is likely to stay loyal, what would you look for?

According to statistics, you should choose someone who:

• devotedly attends religious services
• has friends who support a monogamous lifestyle
• lives in a small community
• has parents and grandparents who are straight arrows
• works alone, and close to home
• wouldn’t/doesn’t travel for business purposes.

 

If, on the other hand, you want to know whom to be wary of, statistics would steer you clear of someone who:

• works in a condoning or encouraging occupational environment with attractive coworkers
• travels with them to conferences
• does not attend worship services or have strong religious beliefs
• comes from a sexually liberal background
• lives in a large metropolitan area
• has a history of parental infidelity.

 

None of these factors is a predictor of marital infidelity in any particular individual. But they do point to who is more likely to be unfaithful and who is more likely to be monogamous.

Acceptance of infidelity increases in response to personal problems, relationship disillusionment, and a tolerant social environment.

Birds of a Feather Frolic Together

Occupational Vulnerability

Faithless Friends The Family Tree

The World We Live In

The Double Standard Is Alive and Well

Trends

Sin Cities

 

Birds of a Feather Frolic Together

One of our most important filters is the social screen. Our vision is sharpened or blurred by what we see and hear from the people around us. You are more likely to be unfaithful if you are surrounded by friends and professional colleagues who are also unfaithful. Friends and acquaintances serve as socialization agents who may make cheating seem alluring or, at the very least, normal.

When you hear exciting confessions and philosophical rationalizations often enough, you can justify almost anything. Your best friend is glowing as she tells you how her lover fulfills her in ways her husband never would or could. When your friends glorify their affairs, you might start to think that marriage is not only dull but a serious impediment to personal growth.

Occupational Vulnerability

Work settings and occupations can either foster opportunity for extramarital sex or place strict prohibitions against it.

For people working in the entertainment industry or in professional sports, infidelity is a common practice. For people working in religious or conservative educational institutions, infidelity is an infraction of behavioral codes.

Although workplace environments have become more sensitized to sexual harassment issues, a number of them still overlook or accept flirting and romantic involvements between coworkers. U.S. military policies have been a prime example of mixed messages. Although adultery has been severely punished by demotion or expulsion, male service personnel on foreign assignments have been supplied with prophylactics whether or not they were married.

[box] Laurel Richardson found that married men who were involved with single women at work were not afraid that their affairs could become public knowledge. Their lack of concern was because of two factors: others seldom condemned them, and they were able to keep their wives away from their work setting.[/box]

What we see depends on two things: what we are looking at, and who is doing the looking. This also holds true for how we view our opportunities for extramarital relationships. It depends partly on the setting and partly on how we assess the scene.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell which comes first, the act of betrayal or the rationale that justifies it. If your social setting isn’t filled with people committing adultery, then you might fill in the gap with your own projections, ascribing to others the same motives and desires that are attracting you.

Conscious or not, the projection of your desires onto other people serves to support your own course of action.

[box] Anthony Thompson reported that people who are unfaithful may justify their behavior by overestimating how prevalent infidelity is. Anthony Thompson’s (1984) study of Australian married and cohabiting couples found that involved persons may justify their own behavior by perceiving extradyadic activity as more prevalent; involved individuals gave higher estimates than noninvolved regarding what percentage of men and women participated. Thompson concluded that friends and acquaintances serve as adult socialization agents, whereby extramarital behaviors become likely and desirable. – Emotional and sexual components of extramarital relations, Journal of Marriage and Family, 46, 35-42.[/box]

 

Faithless Friends

Lynne Atwater found that a woman’s progression toward first extramarital sex is greatly influenced by the faithlessness of other women. The steps are knowing someone who has engaged in extramarital sex, talking to that person about it, and then thinking about it for an extended period of time after becoming aware of an opportunity. Nearly all of the women she interviewed said that they never intended to be unfaithful when they first got married.

Before Cheryl betrayed her husband by having a two-year affair, her friend Sandy had started confiding in Cheryl that she was having an affair. Sandy went on and on about the special treatment she was enjoying. She told Cheryl that her lover bought her beautiful presents and treated her like a queen. Sensing that Sandy would be supportive about hearing a similar story from her, Cheryl told her about the exciting new man she was attracted to. The object of Cheryl’s affection was the opposite of her husband; he reminded her of an old boyfriend who was quiet and outdoorsy. She told Sandy about her fantasies but also said she didn’t want to do anything that would hurt her husband, Cliff.

Every time the two friends talked, Cheryl found herself thinking that a little romance on the side wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It didn’t have to mean anything. When Cheryl and her fantasy man finally got together, Sandy let them use her house as their private hideaway. When Cliff found out, his rage at Sandy was easy to understand. And he knew only the half of it. He knew that Sandy had loaned her house; he never realized what role Sandy’s encouragement had played in his wife’s predisposition for getting involved in the first place.

It is not unreasonable for worried partners to insist that their spouses terminate or limit friendships that encourage infidelity.

To make the marriage safe, it may be necessary to sacrifice friends of the same sex who are not friends of the marriage.

When Clive was first married, he never looked at other women. He only had eyes for his wife, Ebony. Every day he went to his desk job in a large utility, processed his paperwork, and was eager to come home to his beautiful wife. Five years down the road, he was tired of sitting around all day indoors and going home to sit some more, so he signed up to play in his company’s softball league. He enjoyed the outdoor exercise and had fun with the guys (and the occasional athletic woman).

After a game Clive and his teammates would go to a favorite hangout, have a couple of beers, and shoot some pool. Over the course of several months, he got to know these guys well. The three who were still married were openly contemptuous of men who buckled under to their wives; the five others were either single or divorced. Clive’s buddies began to tease him for being “pussy whipped”and having to go home after the second beer. They pointed out to him a couple of attractive young women who seemed interested in him.

Soon Clive started to wonder whether sexual freedom was the norm and monogamy the exception. He started to think that his marriage could be in jeopardy because his commitment to being faithful was starting to waver. Ebony was angry and anxious about his nights out, and they started to fight. After months of dissension at home, Clive began to realize that his “friends” were egging him on to destroy his marriage. He decided that he would continue to play softball but go home immediately after the games, without stopping for a beer with his buddies.

 

The Family Tree 

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Like most popular sayings, this one has a large measure of truth in it. In the context of our discussion, it predicts a link between the characteristics of parents and their offspring. In fact, that is what therapists and researchers have observed as they’ve studied patterns of infidelity across generations within the same family.

Over the course of marital therapy for infidelity, 90 percent of Bonnie Eaker Weil’s patients found that at least one partner was the adult child of an adulterer—sometimes involving four generations.

– Bonnie E. Weil and R. Winter (1993), Adultery: The forgivable sin, New York: Birch Lane Press.

 

Affairs are more likely to occur among those whose parents had affairs.

– Emily Brown (1991), Patterns of infidelity and their treatment, New York: Brunner/Mazel.

 

Nonmonogamous families seem to produce sons who betray their wives, as well as daughters who either accept their husbands’ betrayals as normal or are unfaithful themselves.

Carol Ellison’s research with over 2,000 women found a definite link between parental affairs and extramarital sexual permissiveness. Of the affair-prone women she studied, 13 percent had five or more affairs. Many of them had grown up in a childhood environment where a parent or a parental figure had engaged in affairs.

[learn_more caption=”Read More”] In-depth interviews were conducted with seventy women age 23 to 90, and a sixteen-page questionnaire that was developed with Bernie Zilbergeld surveyed 2,362 women throughout the United States about sexuality. Carol R. Ellison (2000), Women’s sexualities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.[/learn_more]

Multigenerational family trees often show consistent patterns of infidelity or monogamy. One study based on an analysis of twelve couples found that each family had a unique pattern, ranging from virtually no affairs in the entire family to multiple affairs in all three generations.

[learn_more caption=”Read More”] Sally D. Stabb, Brandi Ragsdale, Alison J. Bess, and Heather Weiner (2000), Multigenerational patterns of infidelity and their relationship to attachment, paper presented at annual convention of American Psychological Association, Washington, DC.[/learn_more]

In the nonmonogamous families, the affair partners were remarkably similar. For example, in the case of one couple, two generations of men had affairs with baby sitters; in that of another couple, a number of affairs in the family had involved coworkers.

 

Famous Multigenerational Affair Families

The Kennedy family presents us with a well-known example of multigenerational infidelity.

The patriarch, Joseph Kennedy, provided the model for his sons, who followed in his footsteps, not only by getting involved in politics but by having affairs with many women, including famous actresses.

President Bill Clinton’s grandfather was a very well-liked, friendly man; however, his grandmother was frequently angry at his grandfather because he was “too friendly” with other women.

In trying to explain Clinton’s philandering, the model of his beloved grandfather could be more significant than all of the public speculation about possible problems in his marriage.

One extreme reaction or the other

Unfortunately, it’s hard to make predictions about how parental infidelity will play out in a child’s adulthood. A parent’s infidelity creates vivid impressions that usually lead to one extreme reaction or the other.

Eric’s father took him along to Gentlemen’s Clubs when Eric reached adolescence. He admired his father and was easily indoctrinated into a world of macho men and easy women. Although he married “the girl of his dreams,” he did not expect to be sexually faithful.

In a contrasting example of the effect of paternal behavior, Patrick was disgusted when his father started taking him along to meet his “mistresses.” He was appalled by the disregard for his mother’s feelings. He vowed then and there that he would never do that to his wife. Although Patrick’s marriage was conflicted, he remained faithful and was never tempted by another woman.

 

The World We Live In

Society plays a large role in setting the standard for what is acceptable and what is not. The fact that there is a standard at all is evidence of how powerful social norms and expectations can be in regulating private behavior.

You may think you are making completely independent decisions about your romantic life, but all of us are influenced by our culture’s ideas about what is appropriate, what is desirable, and especially what is unacceptable.

Culture shapes and sets our belief system.

The Double Standard Is Alive and Well

The double standard—one standard for women and another, less strict standard for men—is the primary example of a social norm that influences sexual behavior. In fact, a double standard of infidelity is more prevalent among those from cultures with traditional gender roles.

As a general rule, societies that give higher status to men promote a double standard.

Despite the many ways we are moving toward an egalitarian society, the double standard still exist. Society easily accepts and excuses men who engage in premarital and extramarital sex. Women who engage in similar behaviors are condemned and suffer severe consequences. The double standard has never been applied in a reverse pattern; men have never been subjected to a double standard in the past or the present, according to a study of sixty-two cultures by anthropologist Suzanne Frayser.

 

[box type=”info”] Husbands, but not wives, were allowed to have extramarital sex in 26% of the societies studied by Frayser.[/box]

A single standard of sexual behavior for both men and women is most likely when a society is either extremely permissive or extremely conservative, according to sociologist Harold Christensen. His study showed that in the extremely permissive Danish culture, women were as sexually liberated as men; in the extremely restrictive American intermountain society, men were as constrained as women.

Condoning Men

In some quarters, a man gains prestige and respect from other men as a result of his sexual conquests. Boasting about extramarital adventures can be almost as important as, if not more important than, the experience itself.

Peggy Vaughan spoke to men who missed the camaraderie of talking with other men about their exploits after they had stopped having affairs. These men impressed their friends with their “successful” affairs but were seen as failures if they got caught and brought pain to their wives.

Surprisingly, some wives tolerate the double standard. There are wives who put up with their husband’s philandering as part of the spoken or unspoken “deal” they’ve made in their marriage. These are often the wives of high-status men who provide substantial material and social benefits. These eminent corporate and political figures are enculturated to have affairs with women who are mostly their subordinates.

Jan Halper studied 4,126 male business leaders, executives, and professionals and found that the more successful a man was and the greater his income, the more likely he was to have an affair.

See Entitlement Affairs, Philanderer Affairs

 

Alice and Arnold initiated couple therapy to deal with her distress about his philandering. You may recall that he was the CEO of a highly successful computer company; she was a devoted mother, active on behalf of the homeless, and a dedicated volunteer at the art museum. I soon realized that they had come into therapy with separate agendas. Alice was hoping that I would persuade Arnold to stop having affairs; Arnold hoped I would persuade his wife to accept his sexual flings as harmless diversions.

When it became apparent that Arnold had no intention of stopping, Alice seemed to accept his behavior as part of their evolving marital contract. She took stock of the pluses and minuses and figured she was better off staying married and enjoying the privileges of being his wife than filing for divorce. It is not unusual in this situation for the wives of prominent men to accept their husband’s philandering and do the best they can to develop separate lives.

 

Condemning Women

Women in nearly all cultures and eras have been punished much more severely than men for extramarital relationships.

NOTE: While it is said that Muslim men are allowed to kill their women by stoning them to death for adultery, this is not true. While practices as such do occur, it is a cultural practice, and not religious. The Muslims holy book, the Qur’an, states that the The punishment for adultery or fornication in Islam is whipping with 100 lashes.

[learn_more caption=”Read Verse (24:2)”]

1. A Surah which we have sent down and which we have ordained; in it have we sent down clear signs in order that ye may receive admonition.

2. The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication flog each of them with a hundred stripes; let not compassion move you in their case in a matter prescribed by Allah if ye believe in Allah and the last day; and let a party of the believers witness their punishment.

3. Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty or an unbeliever nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman; to the believers such a thing is forbidden.

4. And those who launch a charge against chaste women and produce not four witnesses (to support their allegation) flog them with eighty stripes; and reject their evidence ever after; for such men are wicked transgressors.

5. Save those who afterward repent and make amends. (For such) lo! Allah is forgiving, merciful.

6. As for those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves; if they bear witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth;

7. And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie.

8. But it would avert the punishment from the wife if she bears witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that (her husband) is telling a lie;

9. And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth. (24:1-9)[/learn_more]

 

Fear of public exposure is a real deterrent, especially for women. Public opinion is not so kind toward a woman who admits enjoying the physical fulfillment of illicit affairs. If you listen carefully when people talk about the affairs of others, you will notice a bias that runs in favor of men and against women. What you will hear most often is that the affair is the woman’s fault.

A woman who is caught in an affair is blamed for having loose morals. A woman whose husband is caught in an affair is blamed for not meeting his needs.

Matthew was beside himself with rage when he discovered that his wife had been having an affair for four months. In fact, he was ready to end the marriage on the spot. In therapy he was able to gain a more balanced perspective. He finally admitted that he himself had had several “mini-affairs” that he didn’t think amounted to much. Like many men, Matthew didn’t hold himself to the same standard of monogamy as he held his wife. In the ethnic neighborhood he had grown up in, men bragged about their sexual mastery and their ability to keep their wives in line. The women knew what was going on but looked the other way. The entire community ostracized an unfaithful married woman, but an involved man was accepted without any moral outrage.

Related Information:

• Religion & Adultery

References:

• Peggy Vaughan
• Islamic Voice – Punishment for Adultery in Islam