To understand what can break up a relationship it’s important to understand how it came into being. What motivated someone to go from being single (an “I”) to becoming a couple (a “We”)?
The style in which a couple imprinted upon one another, the style of attachment that formed between them has as more to do with their bond than physical attraction or common interests. To better understand the “We” (you as a couple) it is imperative to clearly understand the “I” (you as an individual) as well.
How do you connect?
When you bond with a person, each bond or attachment is manifested in our own unique manner. There are many attachment styles to understand before we can grow towards the most stable style.
The style of attachment one forms depends a great deal on their upbringing. Our early childhood experiences color the way we interpret the world; if it’s dangerous or safe, if they are lovable or unlovable. We are hardwired to seek love and comfort, to seek secure attachments, but how we view the world and ourselves alters the view. (See Chart Below).
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We don’t “attach” to ourselves, but to another person. Your attachment style may or may not be the same as your partner. Take a look at the styles below and before you jump to the “We” of your relationship, sit back and reflect on how you attach. Keep in mind you may have more than one style, but for your current relationship, there will be a dominant style that is giving you false comfort, angst, discourse, or even bliss.
– The Anxious Connector
– The Avoidance Connector
– The Pleaser Connector
– The Controller and Victim Connection
– The Fearful Connector
– The Vacillator Connector
– The Secure Connector
The Anxious Connector
The anxious connector feels unlovable and insecure and they quickly pursue connections with others, with a worry that it might all go away. They are quick to take the blame, feeling inadequate, leading to a demanding and dependent style. They are desperate for attachment, yet doomed to feel it can never be achieved. When a person yearns out of fear instead of love, their pursuit can push their partner away. That which they fear often comes to fruition because when they chase too an extreme, the other party may feel confined.
The Avoidant Connector
This personality limits their dependency on others. They are uncomfortable with closeness and prefer to be self-sufficient. They feel worthy of love, connect very carefully and avoid certain emotions that may trigger attachments. Usually this is someone who has had a history of trauma or grew up in a family where they didn’t have a secure environment, trust, or where there was abuse. They would like to have love but don’t “need” it. They prefer a positive image of their self, and distance themselves from others to maintain it. They protect themselves from rejection. This loner mentality is an archetype for many male roles in action movies (Think “Dirty Harry” or “Iron Man”) where a person’s independence takes detachment to an extreme. Instead of being detached with the capability of love, the person detaches to the exclusion of vulnerability, trust and, of course, love.
The Pleaser Connector
If you were the “good kid” growing up, you are the Pleaser. Pleasers have a passion to please others and avoid rejection. As an adult you do the same but at the expense of your own needs. Pleasers often have difficulty tolerating space and separation. Emotional and physical distance from your spouse will result in feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and jealousy. When others are upset, you are the first to try and soothe the situation, and express anger indirectly. After a while, the Pleaser may become resentful at giving more than they get, even when your spouse tells you that you keep giving things he/she doesn’t want. You need to just say “No” and learn to tolerate the conflict that may arise from being honest. Express your own feelings and needs for change. Being a pleaser has its limits and before things boil over, be sure to take a breath and take care of yourself.
The Controller And Victim Connectors
If your parents were controlling, that created extra stress when you were a child. As a Victim, you learned to defend yourself through aggression and control. Even anger was preferable to shame, humiliation, and grief. As an adult, the only mechanisms you understand is to control others by using threats, intimidation, or even violence. Any sign of insecurity is banished by a quick wave of anger. However, this anger is merely a mask for past grief.
If you survived the chaos of your childhood by being compliant and passive, or even invisible, as an adult you may still feel unable to assert yourself. Victims often marry someone controlling and domineering. Low self-esteem reinforces your belief that all problems are your fault, so you try even harder to suppress your anger in front of your spouse. To get out of your emotional rut, find a safe place to gain confidence and support.
The Fearful Connector
This type connects very cautiously, fearful of closeness, and very concerned about being abandoned. They feel others are untrustworthy, hurtful, and unable to love them, and that emotions are scary and overwhelming. They view others as uncaring and themselves as unlovable, and will avoid intimacy because they expect rejection. When a person acts and reacts from a place of fear, the other party may not recognize why they are attracted or repulsed by the person. (If they are attracted, they often come from a “rescuer” mentality. If they are repulsed, they revere independence and a stalwart personality)
The Vacillator
Vacillator’s are keenly aware of their desire for connection and prefer passion and close bonding. These initial intense connections, however, causes one to idealize others which sets you up for disappointment and feeling rejected and unwanted. The vacillating between the need for attention and feeling too angry to receive it begins; sending mixed signals to your mate who feels they are walking on eggshells. As a vacillator, you may recognize multiple love styles for yourself! (Another reason you vacillate) Focus on becoming aware of your emotions and being objective. The more you understand and detach a bit from the feelings, the clearer you will become on your needs.
The Secure Connector
This is the safe haven of attachments. Couples who can display emotions without fear have a secure attachment style. They are comfortable with being close, and don’t fear abandoned when they are not. A secure individual has a positive view of themselves, their spouse, and others. A Secure Connector can establish close relationships and use others as support when needed. There is a sense of trust, safety, and love. When both people are secure, their connection may appear aloof. However, the security each feels in their “I” space is strong enough that the “We” has limited fear and anxiety of loss.
A secure connector is comfortable with balance. They are equally content with giving and receiving in a marriage. They recognize the strengths and weaknesses in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluating. Secure Connectors had good examples of resolving conflict as a child and therefore, feel natural doing so in their marriage. The Secure Connector is not afraid to apologize when wrong. They know they’re not perfect and are comfortable with new situations, willing and ready to improve themselves in any of these areas in which they may be lacking.
Sounds almost perfect…or impossible.
In reality, becoming a Secure Connector is a level anyone can achieve. Even a person with severe childhood or adult trauma can transcend their baggage and establish connections with themselves and others securely. Becoming a secure connector requires an internal awareness of why you say, think and do what you do.
It will require some “rebooting” of your internal operating system, but once installed and executed (practice with your spouse), you’ll be relaxed, secure and share a deep understanding of each other.
Talk with your partner. Ask them which dance steps you have been following and begin to consider a step back to rethink a few of your dance moves.
Adaptations
According to Imago theory, you are created in a state of connection and joy, whole and complete. It is inevitable that your childhood carers will fail to perfectly meet your needs, and you will adapt to those experiences.
For instance, during roughly the first year and a half of your life (the “attachment” stage), your developmental task was to establish a sense of safety and belonging as a foundation for your further development. If your carers were reliably warm and available (sufficiently responsive to your physical and emotional needs), you would have tended to feel safe, and you would probably have exhibited secure attachment to your carers (responded to separation from an attachment figure with some distress, but able to be calmed, and sought comfort from the attachment figure when reunited).
On the other hand, if your carers were cold and rejecting (unresponsive to your needs), you may have felt unwanted and rejected, and may have tended to withdraw from contact, not just from your carers, but from others as well. This interactional pattern is given the name “avoider”.
If your carers were inconsistently available to meet your needs, you may have felt abandoned, and may have been clingy to try to remain in contact with your attachment figures. This interactional pattern is called “clinger”.
Similarly for the later stages of development and carer’s behaviour, various adaptations could have become integrated into your personality. This sets you up for a lifetime of what I call malatropism (turning the wrong way in response to a stimulus), so that you act in ways that get you the opposite of what you consciously desire.
Patterns of adaptation tend to take these forms —
| Attachment Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0-1½ years”safety and belonging” | reliably available and warm | safe | secure attachment |
| cold and rejecting — “don’t be” | unwanted, rejected — “I have no right to exist” | withdrawal — “avoider” | |
| inconsistently available — “don’t need me” | abandoned — “I can’t get my needs met” | holding on — “clinger” | |
| Exploration Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
| 1½-3 years”connected separateness” | providing protective limits and encouraging exploration | free to investigate | curiosity |
| smothering, overprotective — “don’t be separate” | smothered — “I can’t say no and be loved” | distancing — “isolator” | |
| neglectful — “don’t be dependent” | neglected — “I can’t count on anyone” | pursuit — “pursuer” | |
| Identity Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
| 3-4 years”sense of self” | mirroring identifications and supporting assertions | accepted for who you are | an integrated self |
| selectively mirroring, controlling — “be what we want you to be” | shamed, dominated — “I can’t be me and be accepted and loved” | rigid, punishing — “controller” | |
| deflecting and invasive — “don’t assert yourself” | invisible, used — “I’ll never be seen, valued, and accepted” | yielding, self-effacing — “diffuser” | |
| Competence Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
| 4-7 years”personal power” | giving clear instructions and supporting efforts | self-confident | empowerment, positive risk taking |
| selectively praising and demanding excellence — “don’t make mistakes” | punished, guilty — “I have to be perfect” | competitiveness, limited praising — “competitor” | |
| ignoring achievements and offering no guidance — “don’t be powerful” | achievements are devalued — “I can’t be aggressive or express anger” | manipulation — “compromiser” | |
| Concern Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
| 7-13 years”friendship” | modelling and encouraging good friendships | comfortable in relationships with peers | healthy friendships, including a “best” friend |
| overprotective, disapproving of friends — “don’t be close” | rejected, lonely — “I’m not lovable” | lack of connection — “loner” | |
| disapproving of autonomy and self-care — “don’t have any needs of your own” | own needs are not legitimate — “others need me” | taking care of others — “caretaker” | |
| Intimacy Stage | If Your Carers Are… | You May Feel… | And Tend to Exhibit… |
| adolescence”closeness and loving” | supporting intimate relationships and sexuality | comfortable with adult intimacy | positive sexual and emotional partnerships |
| overly restrictive — “don’t grow up” | controlled — “I am not trusted” | rebellion, suspicion — “rebel” | |
| conservative, rigid — “don’t be different” | disapproval — “I have to do what’s right” | self-righteousness — “conformist” |
It is important to note that these characterizations are not cast in stone. You could act like an avoider in one particular situation and feel safe and securely attached in many other situations and relationships. And patterns can change over time. I am talking more about tendencies that emerge during times of conflict or fear.
Source: Imago – http://www.imago.com.au/#WII06
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