There are three insecure attachment styles:
- anxious
- avoidant
- anxious-avoidant (also called fearful-avoidant or disorganized)
Anxious attachment can result from an inconsistent relationship with a parent or caregiver. When our caregivers are not attuned to our emotional state, we act “clingy” or “whiny” toward them to try to have our needs met — and we replicate these patterns in our intimate relationships.
If you’re anxiously attached, you’re probably sensitive and attuned to your partners’ needs, but insecure and anxious about your own worth. You probably also have attracted a life partner who is avoidant in their attachment style. This is a challenging issue because it only reinforces your fear of rejection and triggers behaviours that keep the relationship in quite a negative state for everybody.
More than your attachment style, it’s crucial to understand your attachment system. According to the book Attached, written by psychology researchers Rachel Heller and Dr. Amir Levine,
“An attachment system is the mechanism is our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened.”
This means that you have the most sensitive system of them all. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and you’ll basically feel uneasy and unsafe until your attachment figure reassures you and gives you a clear indication that everything’s okay.
When that reassurance doesn’t happen, you’re left with activating strategies, meaning, thoughts and feelings that compel you to get close to your partner, either physically or emotionally.
The authors provide some examples of activating strategies:
- Difficulty concentrating on other things;
- Remembering only their good qualities;
- Thoughts like “he/she will change” or “everyone has problems”;
- Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your abilities and overestimating theirs;
- An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them;
- Believing this is your only chance for love;
- Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go.
Learning how your system functions is vital. Many people with anxious attachment style feel an almost constant threat to the relationship, which means that they have a chronically activated system.
4 signs of the anxious attachment style.
1. You tend to suppress your needs and desires.
People with an anxious attachment style need their relationship to be “positive” all the time. Any disagreement makes them feel terrified that their partner’s going to leave — so they suppress their true emotions to “keep things positive”.
Since they see conflict as a threat to the relationship, they do whatever it takes to avoid it. The problem is, this behavior often leads to resentment and can be very damaging to the relationship in the long run.
2. When your partner doesn’t reply right away, you assume the worst.
If, when your partner is unavailable for some reason (work, dinner out with friends…), your mind immediately jumps to thoughts like…
“S/he’s not genuinely interested in me, s/he’s just pretending”.
“I knew this was too good to be true”.
“I knew s/he was with someone else”.
… you definitely have an anxious (or anxious-avoidant) attachment style.
When your attachment system is triggered, you feel the need to resort to protest behavior. This can be:
- Excessive attempts to reestablish contact, like calling many times or loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her;
- Withdrawing, turning you back on your partner;
- Paying attention to how long it took them to return your calls and waiting just as long to return theirs;
- Waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until they do;
- Acting hostile, like rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away or leaving the room why they’re talking;
- Threatening to leave, acting busy or unapproachable;
- Making your partner feel jealous;
Although protest behavior usually has the intention of reestablishing closeness with your partner, it can end up having the opposite effect. The good news is that instead, you can use effective communication.
You’re probably so used to resorting to protest behavior that you’ve normalized it. But it’s not normal, and you’d never need to act like this with a secure partner because you wouldn’t have doubts in the first place. Or, to put it better, you’d have doubts sometimes but you’d be able to communicate them and your partner would happily reassure you.
3. You need constant reassurance from your partner.
Anxiously attached people are always scanning the environment looking for clues that their needs will not be met, which is why they need constant reassurance that everything’s okay.
They need a constant stream of love, affection, and validation from their attachment figure. Otherwise, their anxiety comes up to the surface.
Please keep in mind that it’s normal to expect reassurance and emotional closeness from your partner (healthy relationships involve mutual, spontaneous reassurance). What is not normal is getting bitter at the slightest disappointment or “sign of rejection” — especially when the rejection is not even real.
4. You’re always testing your partner.
You would think a person who is so anxious would want things to be straightforward when it comes to love, but that definitely isn’t the case.
People with an anxious attachment style are known to “play games” or unconsciously manipulate their partners. Since they’re constantly expecting rejection, they test their partners to make sure they’re genuine and trustworthy. Some examples of testing are:
- “If I don’t text or call her, will s/he text or call me?”
- “How can I make him/her jealous, so that s/he values our relationship?”
- “Will s/he still care for me if s/he knew a dark secret from my past?”
- “If s/he really loves me, shouldn’t s/he let me see his/her texts?”
- “Will she do some things that I like even if s/he doesn’t like them?”
Attracting the wrong partner when you have the anxious attachment style
Paradoxically as it may sound, anxiously attached individuals tend to attract avoidant partners who reinforce their sense of unworthiness and trigger their fear of rejection.
Although anxious and avoidant attachment styles are typically considered opposites, they can complement each other in a (unhealthy) way: each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and relationships.
“Anxiously attached individuals often let secure potential partners pass by. Why is that? If you want intimacy and security, why would you let go people who are capable of giving you what you want?
Here’s the thing. When you meet someone secure, there are no mixed signals. Your connection is honest, straightforward, and consistent. This means there’s no tension, suspense or playing hard to get. Everything flows.
As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. And that’s good, right? Of course, it’s amazing! But because you’re used to equating an activated attachment system (anxiety, emotional roller coaster) with love, you think that this can’t be the one since there’s no anxiety whatsoever”.