Bonding is the ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest level. When two people have a bond with each other, they share their deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other with no fear that the other person will reject them.
Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. We are wired with a hunger for relationship—for relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our very core we are relational beings.
Without a solid, bonded relationship, the human soul will become mired in psychological and emotional problems. The soul cannot prosper without being connected to others. No matter what characteristics we possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God and other humans, we will suffer sickness of the soul.
Why is our need for bonding so strong, and why is our failure to bond so disastrous for our well-being? Remember as we advanced as species we were dependent for survival on our groups. One person alone cannot fight of large danger and so we grew to be wired for connection.
When we understand that the foundation of existence lies in relationship, it begins to make sense why love is the highest ethic.
Relationship, or bonding, then, is at the foundation of our nature. Relationship is our most fundamental need, the very foundation of who we are. Without relationship, without attachment to others, we can’t be our true selves. We can’t be truly human.
If we are to grow and thrive, we need to be “rooted and grounded in love.” We are literally to draw from the love of others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing. We cannot imagine putting a plant in a cardboard box in the garage and expect it to blossom. The plant would not make it for very long. To grow, it must have sunlight, water and nutrients.
We sometimes think, however, that we can supply all our needs without other people. We think that, in a state of emotional and spiritual isolation, we can still grow. This grave violation of the basic nature of the universe can cause serious problems.ical well-being depends on the status of our heart, and the status of our heart depends on the depth of our bonds.
If we come into the world learning to attach to others and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We proceed along certain well described and prescribed plans. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted, and we may experience problems.
Learning to bond won’t happen overnight. Making human connections takes a good dose of grace, truth and time. Here are some skills that will start you on the long road to making changes that heal.
Realize the Need
First become aware that you need others. Milton said that “ No man is an island unto himself” and he was right. Since we need to connect with others emotionally and spiritually this is a food for our overall well being and to deny that keeps us frozen in place. Let’s recognize that we need others and learn to include them.
Move Toward Others
It is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart. like God does. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are. Therefore, to the best of your ability, actively reach out for help and support. This is often a big step if you have been isolated for a while. We are often told it is better to give than receive. In truty, when we give, we receive much more. Try to find volunteer or service opportunities where you are. There are very few locations in America that don’t need some kind of help. It can be at a place of worship, the Red Cross, a library or senior citizen center. Doing for others connects you immediately with others who want to serve and whose hearts are open to others.
Be Vulnerable
You can move toward others, get socially involved, and have relationships, but still be isolated. Your isolation may stem from your inability to be open, your inability to show your real self to others. Learn to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable literally means “open to criticism or attack.” You need to be so open with your needs that you are open to attack.
Realization of need is the beginning of growth. Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level.
Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first. Maybe you need to start with a minister, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life. A minister or counselor is good because they are accepting and seek to help and so are non-judgmental. They have your interest at heart. It is easy to know when you have found a person you can trust because they operate with grace and truth and they give you time to absorb or learn.
Challenge Distorted Thinking
Distorted thinking blocks you from relating to others. This essentially causes you to repeat what happened in the past. This is key because whatever has happened in the past will stay in the present until you learn to grow past it. Challenge the distortions that keep you in bondage. To the extent that you continue to see the world through your childhood eyeglasses, your past will be your future.
If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will recreate the isolation of your past. The Lord has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask him to show you your particular distortions. Distorted thinking was learned in the context of relationship, and that is the only place where it can be unlearned. You need new relationship to undo the learning of the past; there your real self can be connected in grace and truth and thereby be transformed.
Changing this kind of behavior is very amenable to taking notes for some people.
Try to keep an index card and pen with you to track distorted thoughts as they occur. Write down the circumstance and the distortion and if you can stand back and record a more realistic thought for your self. At then end of a week you’ll see pretty quickly what distortions you have and how to counteract them. They don’t go away by themselves but are a habit and by countering them each and every time they occur you are training your brain how to react.
To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. People will call to you, but if your distorted thinking and your resistance to risk get in the way, you will keep the door closed so that attachment cannot happen. Allow yourself to risk valuing someone emotionally. Risk getting hurt again. This is difficult, but essential. Sometimes it helps to identify some steps for each week or even each day. That you are willing to take to connect with others.
Allow Dependent Feelings
Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment. Many times you think you need to “keep a stiff upper lip,” but allowing your tender, needy sides to show to the ones you need will cement the attachment and allow it to grow. Recognize this change in yourself and celebrate the growth that is occurring
Recognize Defenses
Be aware of your own particular defenses against attachment. As soon as you can spot the old familiar patterns, you can begin to notice them in operation and take responsibility for them. You may need to say something life this, “Oh, there I go again, devaluing someone who is trying to love me. I’ll try and let them matter this time.” Challenge your old ways of acting and allow the new spirit you are growing to empower you to resist your defenses. You may want to note them on a card to keep track of them and counter them.
Become Comfortable with Anger
Often, people avoid attachment because they fear their anger at the one whom they need and love. As a result, anger leads them into isolation to protect the loved one. It is natural to feel angry toward people you need. The more you can feel comfortable with angry feelings toward “good” people, the more you can integrate those feelings into the relationship and not spoil it. The angry self is an aspect of personhood that many people prefer to leave “un-bonded.” They believe that it is the unlovable aspect of who they are.
Reflect and Pray and Meditate
If you are religious consider that in Psalm 139:23-24, David asked God to reveal who he was at a deep level:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Pray David’s prayer along with him, and God will reveal the true state of being in your heart. Ask God to unravel the problems in your ability to attach. Abiding is God’s highest value for you so you can be assured of His desire to help you reach this goal. As David says in Psalm 51:6, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”
If you are not religious consider a regular time of reflection each day to see where you can find areas of improvement in yourself and in your relationships. It is important to focus on you and what you can make better in you, not on others. While we can influence others it is our ability to change that is so powerful. Let me add that you should expect that these techniques take time to develop and I would like you to to offer to yourself what you want others to offer to you. That is Grace (be forgiving to yourself), Truth (see what went well and what can be improved) and Time.
Be Empathic
Empathy is the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Empathizing with others’ needs, identifying with their hurt, softens your own heart. Many hardened people have melted by getting close to the hurts of others. I’m not implying a “give-to-get” or a “get-your-mind-off-yourself” strategy. I’m talking about identifying with the struggler in order to get in touch with your own hurt and loneliness.
Say “Yes” to Life
The task of bonding to others is one of saying, “yes” to life. It is saying, “yes” to others’ invitation to connect with them. People who struggle with isolation say “no” to relationship in many ways.
When you hide behind defense mechanisms, you are saying “no.” When you avoid intimacy, you are saying “no.” When you make excuses, you are saying “no.” Connection requires that you begin to say “yes” to love when it presents itself. This may mean accepting invitations to be with people instead of always withdrawing. It may mean giving a different answer in safe contexts when you are asked, “How are you doing?” It may mean empathizing with another’s hurt. Whatever the opportunity it means saying, “yes” to relationship.