Author: Dr Judith Orloff MD

Books by Dr Judith Orloff

Recommended Books on Narcissism in Relationships

If I had a dollar for every time a client called their spouse a narcisstist, I’d be a very rich woman already! The word narcissist is thrown around like a woman’s handbag. Betrayed clients describing their cheating partners as sociopaths, narcissists, sex-addicts, monsters – and the list of adjectives goes on.

Sometimes, the description is correct! However the spouse of a narcissist lives a life of confusion, depression, stress, full of guilt, uncertainty, anxiety and for most part, is not aware that they under the spell of a manipulating spouse. They defend their cheating partners character. In our couples sessions together, the betrayed spouse of the cheating narcissist, is quick to tell me of how she (or he) contributed to the demise of the marriage, and how they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track.

A narcissistic cheater will not end the relationship with the lover, and in fact will continue the love affair during marriage counselling. The narcissistic cheater, must be really to begin individual counselling to work on the family of origin issues/attachment style problems.

Does your spouse have narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has:

  • An excessive sense of self-importance
  • An extreme preoccupation with themselves
  • A lack of empathy for others

Personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or  psychiatrist.

Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment.

There are no laboratory, blood or genetic tests that are used to diagnose personality disorder. There is some new research to suggest people with narcissistic personality disorder have neurobiological abnormalities.

See link to this new research “Gray matter abnormalities in patients with narcissistic personality disorder”

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following  symptoms:

  • Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • Requires excessive admiration
  • Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
  • Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  • Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  • Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and is thought to occur in up to 6.2 percent of the general population.Video: Dealing With A Narcissist: Emotional Freedom in Action

  • Dr Judith Orloff MD
  • Time: 4:14

Dr. Orloff’ – As a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA, Dr. Orloff draws upon her own intuitive abilities to help her patients and workshop participants. Dr. Orloff’s latest national bestseller “The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life” (Harmony Books, 2014) describes the power of letting go in everyday life, health, and wellness–an enlivening and sane alternative to pushing, forcing, and over controlling people and situations.

What treatment is available for NPD?

Many people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t seek out treatment. Remember, narcissists do not believe that they have the problem. They believe that you, or something/ someone else is the problem.

Narcissists do not remain in therapy for reasons such as, “The therapist obviously doesn’t know what she/ he is talking about,” or “Did you see the university/college that therapist attended! How can they ever be in practice!”

People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person’s life. This most often happens when a person’s coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events. They may over indulge in drugs or alcohol, and require medical care.

“LETTER: A narcissist falls in love with a narcissist”

I’m am a male in my early 30’s and unfortunately this is me. In a sense, I have met my match! I’ve been a narcissist most of my life, and in my mutual disdain for myself and the world, have avoided romantic relationships (no one measures up, and I am not comfortable with anyone.) So, luckily, I haven’t dragged anyone through this as the agressor (except my family growing up… especially my sis.) Now I find myself over-seas and 13m into a relationship with one of the natives. And she is more messed up than I. Funny enough, the esperience of admiring her because “we are so much alike” is as powerfull for me (as a narcissist) as anyone. I wouldn’t say narcissist don’t fall in love, nor that we get upset and never actually loved, we really mean it when we say, “your too sensitive,” (for me to handle,) but it isn’t fair for anyone to have to put up with. In any case, being who I am, I jumped in both feet. And, experiencing her own matching exuberance, was great, like heaven. I maintain my “facade” with everyone, and am able to drop it (For the most part) with anyone. Being able to reveal my true(er) self is how I maintain my own happiness and grow as a person. But grooming and maintaining the superficial image is 90% of my life, and the image, being that of a scholarly sort, is held with everyone I meet. Everyone is manipulated, no one sees me wild or passionate, except for laughter (stopped acting out in high school.) She doesn’t have that problem. Unappologetic and ferocious with the slightest contradiction, 4 months into the relationship the honeymoon ended, and I faced constant confusing criticism. Being my own narcissistic self, I would do my own manipulative conversation with her, which she trumped wth balls to the walls ferocity. To be fair, in her culture, unlike the states, this is kind of expected by women, but I have been assured that she is an abuser of this tactic. Anyway, now, finishing the * month, I have long learned to bow my head and say “Sorry, its my fault” for the slightest thing. She has the icey glare that is a little scarry (I think I have it too, but not sure when I am doing it,) the angry walk off, the waterworks, and of course the mind bending critisisms and retelling of everything (even trying to retell the meanings of my own words, which I am largely immune to factually, it still, to my surprise, undermines my sense of self.) She is honest enough to be unapologetic about the degree of her selfishness, but can flip this when she feels vulverable (or wants to appear such) to rather describe how selfless, endeuring, and generous she is. I know how she feels (because I share the same psychological disease, even if I’m the dupe this time) to know that she is being completely sincere, in that moment. On the one hand, in attempting to exercise humility towards her, I’ve grown a lot, and gained a kind of empathy that, maybe is normal for most people, but is really special for me. I now cry at sad movies (really, still get surprised, I suddenly become really sad and start crying.) I can also feel more of the warmth of my friends and coworkers. This last week, I even achieved a state of real self love, at least, I think thats what it was. Like, wanting to nurture this person who is me. With that, came a sense of self respect, respect for her, and respect for what is happening, that is really calming. It is largely why it even occured to me to start researching narcissism and why I am now frantically typign into the void. Unfortunately, I also now have all of the negative symptoms described at the end of this article. A shadow of my former self, I am depressed, insecure, and not really sure what to do with myself or her. and I’m even going to HER for answers… of all the crazy stupid things to do. I’ve been near suicidal many many many times over this year. And I worry… can I keep the growth, and not this suffering, or will I basically revert, since so many of my copping mechanisms are narcissistic (basically I grew because she did everything bigger badder than me, and I am reflective *enough* to take it and hope for better and my own growth.) I can almost walk away (and I am confident a whole special kind of crazy will stem from that, probably for months/years to come.) I disagree with many commentaters and authors of several articles that narcissists don’t really love. Rather, it is dominated by a special kind of suffering, where anything that insults the ego is a kind of suffering. I responded to it largey with manipulating speech and social mechanations. She responds to it as if you really took a swing at her. The problem is, love requires accepting some abuse to the ego and is better with consistant expression of concern for other people’s. This is painfull/distressing and frustrating/exhausting respectively, and so is not sustainable to a narcissist, even if the relationship is. Basically, my own self love will devour shallow kiddie feelings of affection, eventually, and self loathing and other loathing will be left. Combined with a long term manipulative coping stratagey… you see the results. Of course this can eb and flow. In reflection, I chose her, in part because I saw her weaknesses clearly and thought, “gothca!” (I think I would have chosen her anyway, I felt something when I first met her, still do, always did, she only used her basic shopkeeper charm, mind you, highly developed *aside, I am totally attracted to how expert her superficial side is, totally frustrated when I see her suddenly use it in front of me, then turn back to me and resume her crazy coldness,* but it isn’t why I got her number or took her out on our first date) At the time, I didn’t think of it that way, that realization just came to me now(except perhaps in the deepest recesses of my mind.) At the time, I thought, “oh, she likes me, and I certainly like her, and I can really help her, she needs it!” And well, look at me, beaten up by a similar beast. Really fascinating! Is she lovely, yes. Is she totally cruel, yes. When she is happy, her generosity knows no limits, and when unhappy, her fury is the same. There is certainly a flavor of manic depressive to her happy unhappy, and she has become highly aware of it, even suggesting that I simply avoid her when she is like that (which has heavy limits, as we both are actually really greedy for the attention of the other, and get a bruised ego when declined.) These days, she is getting particularly cold, so I suppose I am at the discard phase. That part doesn’t bother me so much, as she becomes distant, I am getting back on my feet (yay?) and happy to take my growth with me. And she is responding to that with alternating furry (Which in my newfound self respect, I literally walk away from or simply apologize that she is angry and tell her I love her and .. nothing muhc more,) followed by trying to spend some nice time together. Unfortunately for us, her depression is severe enough, that even in an attempted good mood, it is like dating a porcupine. Getting a hug from her is a triumph these days. we haven’t kissed, even lightly in a week, and not a real kiss in about 6 weeks, similarly, no sex in that time. Of course, no sex with someone is ok for a while, but coupled with the constant assault of the cold shoulder and harsh conversations that are thinly veiled threats of, “make me happy or I go” the situation fills me with a sense of peace at ending it sooner rather than later. There isn’t actually anything to make her happy that I can do, I’m pretty sure of that, it isn’t a productive conversation, never has been, that said, she never has gone, but hasn’t been this cold before either, formerly she was so firey tempered.. now she is like “I don’t feel anything for you anymore” said coldly with an icy glare, often followed a day later with some apologetic gesture. Even her manipulations are kind of half assed these days, but we have had a fefew heart to hearts, and she knows that I know she is a deeply terrible and troubled person (though she seems to think I don’t know how troubled I am, and her berratements have a feel of trying to school me on the matter.) I still can’t say there is no love between us, but we are both at a point of deeply troubled and wondering, is this worth it. Our narcissism binds us to a degree, along with that, being something of romantics, and, really, in so many ways, getting along wonderfully. but I am reaching a point of wanting to find and focus on people who can love peacefully and with longevity, and I think she is reaching the end game of her cycle with me. I don’t think she realizes that, for her it is just a growing dissatisfaction, angst, and frustration. But it isn’t like I’ve started doing MORE things that she doesn’t like, rather, her dislike for the things that remain (as I’ve started doing a lot of things her way to avoid so many berratements,) has grown.

Oh writting this has been enjoyable, and I hope you guys can make some sense of it, as I am leaving this rambling long and poorly edited.

The Mayo Clinic recommends psychotherapy – Learn More about psychotherapy for NPD

Psychotherapy

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy. Psychotherapy can help you:

  • Learn to relate better with others so your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding
  • Understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others

Because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy may take several years. Areas of change are directed at helping you accept responsibility and learning to:

  • Accept and maintain real personal relationships and collaboration with co-workers
  • Recognize and accept your actual competence and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures
  • Increase your ability to understand and regulate your feelings
  • Understand and tolerate the impact of issues related to your self-esteem
  • Release your desire for unattainable goals and ideal conditions and gain an acceptance of what’s attainable and what you can accomplish

* Source – Mayo Clinic

Causes
Narcissism is a pathological condition where the individual experiences great difficulties within his relationships as a direct result of deprivation suffered as a child.The narcissistic behaviours are the narcissist’s self-preservative attempts to protect himself from any further painful narcissistic insult as experienced as a child, through his hostile world and dysfunctional school and family system, his internal regulating system so to speak. Because the narcissist does not possess the internal structures necessary to combat their terrifying sense of fragmentation, anxiety and declining self-esteem, they turn to these external behaviors in their attempt to self-soothe.The narcissistic behaviour becomes an endless spiral that keeps looping back on itself in every situation, causing an endless stream of narcissistic victim abuse in its wake.

Life with the Narcissistic Spouse

The narcissist’s form of psychological abuse is to instill in their spouse an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion, to the point where the spouse  no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. In this state the betrayed spouse is truly a hostage.However, many “victims” manage to get the courage to break free, but this is usually after several painful attempts.
 
“A NOTE FOR THERAPISTS & PROFESSIONALS”
 
Your job is to not just do the recovery work with them, but also to educate them about the traits and effects of narcissistic abuse. That way you give them back their reality and power, and they will be in a position to be able to recognize the narcissist at work, and be equipt to guard themselves against further re-victimization. Don’t underestimate the power of recovery of these people; the fact that they have survived such extreme abuse is testament to their strength and determination. I never fail to be amazed at the resilience of the human spirit.[/learn_more]The betrayed spouse believes they are to blame for the relationship mess, as the narcissist takes no accountability.
 
Here is an explanation to some common traits:
The Narcissists Intolerance to Shame: Because individuals with a true Narcissistic Personality Disorder are contemptuous and shameful of the less-than-perfect aspects of themselves, they cannot tolerate those same aspects in others.Any flaws that they see in another are likely to mirror back their own flaws, and that enrages them.  At this point their narcissism has ceased to be a source of healthy self-respect and self-esteem, but rather, it has become a defence of a false grandiose self that needs to be guarded against painful feelings of shame and low self-worth if it is to survive.  It is shame or humiliation that is always the underbelly or the driving force behind their narcissistic defenses. False-pride, inflated ego and grandiosity are viewed as defenses against feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.
 
Narcissist as pathological liar:Narcissists are apt to tell lies, as they think they are clever and superior.  They often use lies in order to manipulate people, and to set up people against each other.You may never catch them out in their grandiose lies, unless you work with them, or visit them in their home.  Then you will really see how much others do pull their weight, and carry the narcissist’s share as well.  You may also be very surprised to find that this wonderful fun loving individual is really a bully when at home (home being really anywhere they feel they are in control).Often their grandiosity will seep into religious ideology, where they believe that they have been specially chosen by God, therefore exempt from the rules that other plebs have to adhere to.  When they do pull on religion to gain control, you are likely to find out that the rules are much harsher for you than for them. 
 
For example, you will be the one to make the pilgrimage to the top of the mountain (physically or metaphorically speaking), while they wait at the bottom in a nice warm place while waiting for you’re return.  They always get others to do the lion’s share of the work, and their dirty work.
 
Cognitive Dissonance:Cognitive Dissonance Theory applies to everyone.  When we speak of cognitive dissonance, we are talking about the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding conflicting ideas simultaneously.  When this happens, the person has a motivational drive to reduce their dissonance, and this is achieved by changing their attitudes, beliefs and actions.When a narcissist is psychologically uncomfortable holding two contradictory thought simultaneously, they use cognitive dissonance as a means of relieving their discomfort and achieving their state of “self-justification”.  They are experts at lying to others, and self-justification allows them to lie to themselves by convince themselves that what they have said or done is not just the best thing that could be done in the circumstances, but the right thing.
 
That way they are totally free of any conscience, their self-justification allowing them to shift backward and forwards into any role they so desire without blinking an eye.  Unfortunately, the downside for us all is that they do not learn anything new from any encounter.The cognitive dissonance lends itself to any confirmation bias for them, confirming their preconceptions regardless of whether the information is true or not.  It is this confirmation biases that affirms the narcissists existing attitudes of always being right, which in turn contributes to their overconfidence in personal beliefs in the face of contrary evidence. 
 
For example.  The narcissist is not a fool, they are aware that things are wrong with them and their life, but they never would admit to that.  Rather, they use cognitive dissonance as a way to invent elaborate constructions to convince themselves that there is nothing wrong with them, that indeed everything is right with them.  That way they can lie to themselves in order to justify their behaviour, ideas, attitudes, beliefs and opinions.  They also get to maintain their delusion and manipulate their own thinking, the thinking that sees everybody else as being wrong, while they are always right. 
 
Once that is fixed and their dissonance is lowered, then they can sleep well at night, with no remorse or regret.George Orwel, in his book Nineteen Eighty-Four describes cognitive dissonance, or as he called it “Doublethink” as thus:
“The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them….To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies — all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth.”
 
Avoidance Behaviour as a form of protection:
 
Narcissists are highly anxious individuals, although they tend to hide the fact very well from others.  They are like the proverbial duck that seems calm on the surface, while below the surface they paddle like crazy.  They are extremely sensitive to any form of negative evaluation or criticism that may lead to further rejection by others.   This fear creates a form of social avoidance, and a very cautious behaviour while speaking to others.  This avoidance behaviour is their way of protecting themselves from further humiliation or hurt.  Abandonment and attachment issues from childhood lay the groundwork for the narcissists avoidance behaviour.  The pain of loss and rejection as a child was so painful to them, that as adults they will often choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.The avoidance behaviour is exhibited in symptoms like:
  • Their hypersensitivity to any form of criticism.
  • Their tendency to fantasize situations that they are likely to avoid in reality.
  • Their avoidance of intimate relationships, because it leaves them vulnerable to rejection.
  • Their avoidance to taking social risks, unless they are certain that they will be accepted.
  • Their inability to trust anybody.
  • Their feelings of inadequacy in unfamiliar surroundings, causing them to become extremely shy.
  • Their need for control in every area of their lives.
This avoidance behaviour creates many problems for the narcissist.It means that they are virtually unable to sustain any intimate relationships, because deep down they expect to be rejected and abandoned.  There lack of self-discipline and control makes it difficult for them to work alongside others in a professional setting, creating further feelings of rejection and isolation for them. They become pathological liars, as they use lies to help them to boost their self-esteem in uncomfortable or awkward situations.  Deep down they are extremely lonely.  Seeing others success is far too painful for them to witness, so often they will choose to stay away from gatherings.To compensate, the narcissist creates an artificial bubble when they become King or Queen of their own Kingdom, a place where they can become master of their own fantasy and delusion.  Here they feel safe, and they are happy surrounded by their endless source of narcissistic supply to serve their every need. 

The Top 3 Emotions of the Manipulated Spouse

Three stages the emotionally abused victim of the narcissistic spouse will go through are:
  1. Disbelief
  2. Defense
  3. Depression.

Disbelief:

Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse used by the narcissistic gaslighter to manipulate the innocent victim (gaslightee). The effects of gaslighting are so insidious, that they can lead to the victim losing all trust in their own judgment and reality. The victim’s initial reaction to the gaslighting behaviour is one of utter disbelief; they cannot believe the sudden change towards them, or indeed the fact that they are being gaslighted in the first place. All they know is that something terribly odd seems to be happening in the relationship, but they cannot figure out what it is that is happening. Of course, this is precisely what the abuser wants, after all, it would not work if the victim knew what was happening. The methods used by the narcissist in the initial idealization stage of the relationship progresses in such a way that it virtually guarantees that the victim will become hooked utterly and completely to their narcissistic abuser. Blinded by their love after been totally seduced, the victim naturally, trusts genuinely that their love is reciprocated, but of course, this is untrue, a total fabrication. Where once the abuser’s communication with the victim had been accessible and stayed within the relationship, it has now become blocking and diverting. All they know is that where the narcissist had once held them in “good heart”, they have now become highly critical of them. The sympathy and support that had been available has now turned to distain and antagonism. Whenever the victim (gaslightee) wants to reasonably discuss what is happening in the relationship, they are meet with silence, or worse, they find that everything that is being said is twisted or trivialized.It is important to realize that the gaslighting does not need to be severe in order to have severe consequences on the victim; it can be as subtle as being told that “you are so sensitive”, or that they should not do something because “you are not able to do it, leave it to me”. Even though the victim can rationalize that these statements are untrue, gradually their confidence is being eroded away to such an extent that they cannot trust themselves. Gaslighting strokes, such as moving items from place to place, and then the abuser denying that they had moved the item really creates huge confussion to the victim. Or saying something, then later denying that they had said such a thing. All of this psychological warfare has the effect of making the victim doubt their own memory or perception of events.Desperate for the gaslighter’s approval and reassurance that they are not going mad, the victim becomes very dependent on their narcissistic abuser for a sense of reality.

Defense:

At this stage the victim still has enough of their self to fight and defend themselves against the gaslighting manipulation. However, the narcissist’s “gaslighting” is beginning to do what it is intended to do, that is, to throw the victim off balance by creating self-doubt, angst, turmoil, and guilt. This emotional damage causes the victim, over time, to lose their sense of reality, and sense of self. Becoming lost, confused, and unable to trust their own instincts and memory, they tend to isolate themselves somewhat because of the shame they feel. Before long their psychic energy becomes depleted, and they are left unable to defend themselves from the horrendous gaslighting effect. At this stage the person’s whole system may feel that it is in danger of annihilation.From birth, nature builds in unconscious defense mechanisms and adaptive behaviours in order to protect the child from annihilation from early trauma, and these same defenses remain throughout life when ever we are vulnerable to highly stressful experiences that threaten us with annihilation. When the child starts life, they experience the world as a frightening place, so in order to reduce their fear they need to form an emotional bond with somebody in order to reduce their stress and anxiety. They identify and bond with their main caregiver (usually the Mother), and of course, they are very likely, at some time in the future, to experience her as their first aggressor. Mother can be experienced by the child as being both “threatening and kind”, and this seems to lead to the child turning to emotional bonding for survival. This psychological condition is known to-day as “Stockholm Syndrome”. It is found to happen universally in situations where people find themselves to be held captive and in fear of their lives; as in kidnapping, hostage situations, and narcissistic abuse. This phenomenon of trauma bonding with the narcissist aggressor can be found in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. In Stockholm Syndrome, the victim adapts to the traumatic situation by unconsciously going into an regressive mode, where they return to childish infantile patterns of behaviour (Regressed Infantilism), and bond with their captor as they did with their mother earlier in life as a defense against annihilation. In order to cope with the discomfort of living within such madness, the victims motivational drive provides a way that they can rationalize to reduce the dissonance they are experiencing (Cognitive Dissonance).[box] For the therapist to understand the dynamics of all these defense mechanisms, they will then be able to appreciate why victims stay in these narcissistic abusive relationships, as it is a clever, but complicated unconscious self survival strategy.[/box]

Depression:

By this stage the victim can hardly recognize themselves, they are quickly becoming a shadow of their former self. Living under tyranny within a war zone where they are controlled, physically and emotionally battered, unable to make decisions, subjected to constant rages, sucked dry, stripped of dignity and safety, they exist in a joyless life. They begin to feel that they can’t do anything right any more, they don’t feel that they can trust their own mind, and they withdraw with a skewed reality of what is really taking place. They escape into depression.Many victims will also go on to experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The diagnosis of PDSD can be made based on certain symptoms being present, and these symptoms fall into three categories:

1. Reliving: (Flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety etc) 2. Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places or thoughts, emotional numbing, lack of interest, hopelessness etc). 3. Arousal: (Difficulty concentrating, irritability, outbursts of anger, insomnia, hyper-vigilance etc).

In my work with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome I have noticed that the victims were brought to the place of annihilation and death on many levels of the self while experiencing gaslighting behaviour in their narcissistic relationships. When we take on the journey of recovery together, I take care and time to educate the individual as to what was happening to them as their story unfolds. I am always meet with an array of responses, from shock, disbelief, profound sadness, guilt, shame, anger, fear, reflection, loneliness and an array of physical symptoms (panic attacks, flashbacks, anxious negative thoughts, fatigue, eating disorders, dissociation, abreaction etc.), but they also express relief at finally knowing what had been going on in the relationship, and the amount of “losses” they were dealing with. I think many of the stages are very similar to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stages of grief, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. But still, I find that the individual holds the key to even more strategies for guarding the various levels of defense that I have mentioned here. I am always amazed at how surprisingly resilient these victims are. All our strategies for surviving are incredibly intelligent, and together (the client and I) welcome each and every one as a teacher for our learning and understanding. When this happens, it allows for all the fragmented parts of the soul to return home where they become like special guests at a glorious Banquet, one unifying whole sitting at the Table of Recovery. When a therapist experiences this work they will truly appreciate and understand the deep suffering these victims have gone through daily. The fact that these clients have survived the torturous effects of the disorganized narcissistic personality disorder is in itself a miracle, and a testament to the human spirit.

Signs of a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

If you have found his page looking for answers about your own relationship,  perhaps because of emotional abuse from your own spouse, the you have already taken the first step in reaching our for help. Awesome!Remember when you are reading this content, nobody is judging you, and we are certainly not asking you to take any action. This content is merely for your education and consideration.If your partner has had an affair, and he/she fits the category that we are talking about now, you may wish to review the affair type of entitlement affair or the Philander Affair Type. Both these affair types have spouses that are typically narcissistic, and they have attracted or trained their partners in life to be obedient and controlled.
 
Take a look through this list of some of the warning signs & effects of “Gaslighting” or manipulation:
 
  • • Second-guessing: Because a victim has had their confidence eroded by the constant gaslighting, they live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making their situation even more dangerous for themselves. They invariably find themselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess themselves. This often effects how they problem-solve, and make decisions in their life.
  • • Asking “Am I too sensitive?”: Projection and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting, and the victim become hyper-sensitive to the constant humiliation of their abuser. They hear countless times that they are “too sensitive”, that they soon begin to believe the lies. As a result they look for approval before doing anything, fearful that they will make more mistakes that will end in more humiliation. This form of gaslighting makes the victim doubt everything about themselves, so they constantly ask, “Am I being too sensitive”.
  • • Apologizing: Living with the narcissistic Dr. Jekyll and Mr/s Hyde, the victim finds themselves always apologizing for “never doing things right”, they even apologize for their very existence; it is a way of avoiding more conflict with their aggressor. Apology is not just something the victim does to be polite; it is a powerful strategy for staying safe while in the war zone, and a means to disarm the anger of the gaslighter. Most importantly, the power of apology is that it can take the shame off the narcissist and redirect it towards the victim, therefore avoiding some of the narcissists rage.
  • • Lack joy and happiness in life (melancholy): If one lives under the constant tyranny of the gaslighting narcissist, they can expect extremes of lethal hostility. Many victims go through physical and mental torture that can cause them to suffer a personality change, leaving them feeling confused, lonely, frightened and unhappy. Often they continue to carry this melancholy even after they escape from the abuser.
  • • Withholding information from others: Victims experience great shame about their situation; they get tired of trying to cover up their abuse as they go along. When well meaning friends and family members tell them they are being abused, they avoid the subject, and soon they learn to withhold giving more information in order to avoid further conflict. The importance of shame in narcissistic abuse is a difficult issue, but I don’t think it is too difficult to accept that the crimes of the gaslighting narcissist stigmatize the victim to their very core. Their shame is a normal response to the social failure they so often feel as a result of their abuse (i.e. the shame of being unable to protect themselves from their abuse). This shame can be seen as defensiveness and withdrawal by others. The relationship between shame and social supports is too complex to deal with here.
  • • Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what: The goal of gaslighting is to control and influence the reality of the gaslightee. It only works when the victim is unaware of what is really happening. The more the victim doubts their own reality or competence, the more dependent they become of the abuser. It is a vicious circle of events that is totally confusing to the victim, and that is exactly what the gaslighter wants.
  • • Trouble making simple decisions: To be caught in the narcissistic web of deception and illusion is the equivalent to being a fly trapped in the spider’s web. When entering the web, does the victim know that it is about to be bound up and eaten alive any more than the fly? The answer is “no”. However, the narcissistic web is akin to the disintegration of the self; the victim, under the threat of continual danger, forms a psychic bond with the abuser in order to avoid fragmentation of the self. In forming that bond they are compelled to organize themselves around their idealized abuser’s desires, and surrender their authentic potential: Having to ask permission to do anything, not being aloud to have their own opinion, never allowed to win the argument, constantly being chastised and humiliated, compromising their own thoughts, values, needs, and belief. Understandably, caught in this web they lose all autonomy, even their ability to make decisions for their own self.•
  •  You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed: In order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the “the narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing. This becomes part of their way of being, a great “pleaser” with everybody. Unless this unconscious dance is exposed in therapy, and the victim educated about narcissistic behavior, they are actually left vulnerable to becoming Narcissistic Supply yet again. The reason is that they are conditioned (like Pavlov’s dogs) in a way that makes them a target for other hungry narcissists, who are always on the hunt for new supply, and are quick to spot those primed already.
  • • You feel hopeless and joyless: What had once seemed like heaven has now turned into a hell. There is no peace or joy in this place, just fear and suppression. Life loses all hope, as if the light has been turned off. All that remains is the deep black cloud of depression. And the victim is forced to live in a state of acquiescence in order to survive. Their perceptions of reality are continually undermined by the gaslighting sham, so they end up losing confidence in their intuition, memory, or reasoning powers. They are spun lies, lies that tell them that they are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, over-reacting, and that they have no right to be upset. Hearing this time and time again, their reality is turned inside out, and they begin to believe that this may all be true.
 
Another technique used by my Ex was dismissal of “proof” as irrelevant. A somewhat silly example: facebook. During the devaluation phase, my Ex accused me of having manipulated things to become “friends” on facebook so I could spy and eventually convinced me that I had done that. During an early part of our relationship we were geographically separated and used email and chat a lot. I was going through some of those old emails looking for a password to an account that I knew I sent my Ex and I found an email from my Ex telling me not to worry about the privacy concerns I had articulated but send mr ex a “friend” request. The exact opposite of what I had been convinced to believe.Excited at the prospect of at least partly redeeming myself (clearly we had both just mis-remembered!) I showed the email to my Ex who, with a wave of the hand said: “All that’s in the past. Why do you think so much about the past? I only care about now.” And refused to discuss it further.This was a silly example but I heard that “All In The Past” speech so many times – whenever I had a clear memory or some other indication that the “acceptable” version of events was wrong.

Treatment for the Abused Spouse

  • EFT – Emotion Focused Therapy
  • Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to help them overcome their guilt, shame, fear and anxiety.
  • Psychotherapy – perhaps your issues dig deeper into your childhood?
Are you planning to leave? Here are some thoughts or a game plan to consider…
  1. You are going to need a lot of support if you are planning to leave. Is there any possibility of reconnecting with your family of origin, and your friends.
  2. You also need to find out what other help is available where you live, for example, a National Domestic Violence Helpline, or Woman’s Aid. You can also check your local phone book or community services directory for the refuge and counseling services closest to you.
  3. Is there a relative, friend or neighbor you trust? If so, think about telling them what is going on as you may need to go to them in an emergency.
  4. You may also need to talk to your GP (doctor)to let him know what is happening.
  5. You might also report the abuse to your local police station if you are afraid that he is going to kill you, who may advise taking out a baring order against him.
  6. You may also have a need to get some legal advice somewhere along the line, especially if you want to live in the property with your child.
  7. Make a safety plan.
Safety Plan Guidelines as laid down by The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence.
 
  • Prepare a bag for you, and any children you may have, with an extra set of house and car keys, money, a list of phone numbers you may need and a set of clothes each. Leave this bag with someone you trust. 
  • Keep your mobile phone with you at all times. Find somewhere you can quickly and easily use a phone if you don’t have access to a mobile. This could be a public payphone, or one at a neighbour’s, friend’s or relative’s house. 
  • Write out a list of numbers you might need in an emergency. Include friends, relatives, local police, GP, Women’s Aid, your nearest refuge. Remember, even if you have numbers stored in your mobile you may not be able to access or use it, so copy out all numbers you might need. Keep this list with you at all times. 
  • Keep a small amount of money with you at all times for phone calls and/or taxi, train or bus fares etc. 
  • If your children are old enough to understand, explain that you might have to leave in a hurry and make sure they know what to do if that happens. You could consider arranging a meeting point should you get separated from them.
  • Teach your children to dial 999 if there is an emergency. Make sure they know what they will need to say: name, address and telephone number. 
  • If you think your partner is about to attack you, try to stay out of the kitchen or garage where there may be knives and/or other weapons. Try to stay away from small rooms such as the bathroom where you may find it difficult to escape an attack. If you are thinking about leaving your partner contact Women’s Aid.
 
This information is just giving you ideas for getting safety measures put in place for yourself and/or child before you attempt to leave…… without good support it is going to be so much harder to get away from him.

Recommended Books on Narcissism in Relationships

1 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Relationship

  1. Ryker S says:

    I can relate to this. Navigating life with a narcissistic spouse can often feel like trying to harmonize with a melody that constantly changes its tune. From personal experience, I’ve found that strategic avoidance isn’t just about dodging conflict, but about preserving your inner peace. It’s like carefully stepping around the cracks on a fragile ice pond; it requires awareness and delicate maneuvering. By choosing when and how to engage, I protect not just my peace, but my spirit, keeping it intact and vibrant amidst the chaos.

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