We all have our needs, and there are six core human needs that we all have to varying degrees. It is when these needs are not being met or not being communicated properly or listened to that causes conflicts to arise.
In any relationship, these needs should be kept in mind by both parties.
– Love/connection/belonging
– Significance/separateness
– Certainty/truth/comfort/safety
– Uncertainty/variety/mystery/adventure/ambiguity
– Growth- Relational, Spiritual, Emotional, Cognitive, & Physical
– Contribution- To others and from others
Which of these stand out for you?
We all have these needs, but we also manifest them in different areas of our lives. The manner in which we express them depends upon many factors. How does your background and sex play into the priority of these needs for you? Generally speaking, women need more connection/belonging, while men are in need of greater significance/independence. Deprive one partner in a relationship of one of their core needs and the seeds of dysfunction will have been planted, the rhythm of the dance disrupted. The computer program of your love will slow or freeze up.
If a man needs independence and a woman needs belonging, how can we possibly get along?
The answer is the question, “To what degree do you require each of these needs?” And, in what areas do you need to express them? As mentioned, we ALL have ALL of these needs. Each individual person has a varying degree of priority and association to these needs. Mr. “Independent” still has a need for certainty in his life. It is only that his need for certainty may manifest in a different area than his partner or spouse. Similarly, Ms. “Belonging” also has a need for uncertainty in her life! She may crave the security of a relationship, but also needs the uncertainty or surprise of flowers on her table or a weekend away to spice up her romance.
In the above example, a woman’s desire for uncertainty can be created inside the certainty of her solid relationship. Her man’s need for uncertainty (adventure) may be 100% isolated from his relationship. He may be comfortable expressing his need for adventure within the parameters of work or his hobby instead of the bedroom. The Secure Connected couple understands these needs and applies them in a healthy manner so as not to damage the relationship.
When our 6 core needs are examined and isolated from our actions and habits, it is easy to see what appears to be the problem is not the real problem at all. We all have conflict, but what we often don’t see very clearly is the core of the conflict is the disassociation of unmet needs. When this isn’t clear, confusion is the result.
Confusion of core needs and their improper allocation can spiral down into fear. Not fear in the sense of personal safety, but emotional fear that becomes our “buttons” that our partner can inadvertently push to aggravate us.
These fears are related to our core human needs, the fear that one of them could be taken away from us. For example, most women have a core fear related to disconnection, of not being heard or valued and somehow losing the love of another. For men, it is helplessness, or feeling controlled. They fear failing and getting used by others, of becoming “the little guy”.
When someone pushes your fear button, you react with unhealthy words or actions that try to get the other person to change and give you what you want. Your reaction, in turn, triggers the core fear of the other person, who then reacts much as you did, and thus the dance of fear begins. It is an angry and disconnected dance that threatens to crash the relationship server completely.
Everyone has their own needs, but there is a collection of needs that are common to all people, the core needs that spell out the definition of humanity. Know these needs, remember them, then see what might be missing from both sides of the relationship. Let’s list them first in brief then talk about them and how their absence can be the distance stretching between a couple.
These are the key needs to be happy, the needs we must contribute to fulfilling in our partner, one in the other. For instance, the couple needs to know that they are going to be safe and comfortable in the future; you can’t be happy if you are uncertain about things. To achieve this you must avoid risks and carefully plan for the future, be careful of each other, and take care of yourselves. But if you only seek after this certainty, you lose sight of the fact that the future is uncertain. Too much seeking for the absolutely certain may lead you to avoid other desires.
If you must be absolutely certain about someone before taking that first step, then you’ll never meet someone at all. You limit your experiences and have trouble falling in love, or have trouble connecting more closely to your partner for fear the effort will cause you more pain. This need for certainty can make some people too controlling, and the cost of it is a loss of spontaneity and life in the relationship. This can lead the spouse to withdraw their admirations and feel that she loves you but does not respect you.
How devastating is it to be loved yet not admired? Or the other way around, to be admired by your partner yet not loved? With only the first we might find we have simply married a “bed buddy” or someone that will love and look after us like a mother and not a wife, while the latter leads to, “Well, we can still be friends.” You need both in a relationship; that love and that significance. When you have that, then she feels the love and connection, the belonging, safety, and comfort, and is now motivated to return to him some kind of reward. He in turn then feels admired and motivated to love and connect the more. It becomes an energizing cycle of positive energy that pulls them closer quicker and quicker.
But leave out either the love or admiration and the cycle starts in reverse, pushing you farther and farther away. He is not motivated to admire because she is too controlling, so in the end there is loss of the other core needs.
– Without Love or Connection, there is no relationship.
– Without Significance, one partner becomes lost within the shadow of the other and the relationship is no longer a partnership.
– Without Truth and Certainty there is fear.
– Without Variety, the relationship becomes dull and grey.
– Without Growth, there is its opposite.
– And without Contribution there is a sense of lack of purpose and any reason for being in the relationship in the first place.
– Sometimes we didn’t get all of our core needs growing up, so we seek them more strongly as adults, sometimes to the detriment of the one we love by stepping on a few of her needs. We let the past intrude into our present, which makes it hard to focus on anything in the here and now.
We try to solve this in therapy by giving couples exercises that can teach them how to mediate problems, connect more, and meet one another’s core needs.
Let’s break it down.
The first step begins when you hurt, when you’re emotionally wounded. You feel emotions that range from bewilderment, sadness, and disconnection, to anger, frustration, and embarrassment. Naturally you want to feel better, and often that is the expectation that the other person will change to satisfy you, that they will follow your lead in this dance. That is your solution, to change them. (He may say, “Honey, you seem sad. Cheer up! Things could be worse, you know.”)
This conflict stirs powerful emotions within you, touching specific fears of connecting, perhaps not feeling attractive enough, of being accepted or simply not being good enough. Your fears reflect in your wants, so when they are touched upon you react. (She may think, why doesn’t he recognize why I am sad? I can’t cheer up…I need to express my sadness and he doesn’t allow me to do that! He doesn’t understand me at all. Why is he so distant?)
When someone pushes our fear buttons, we react to seize control. This reaction can take the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or any of the previously given signs of dysfunction. We start pushing their fear buttons and the dance takes another step backward. It begins a forward and back cycle that leaves a couple feeling confused, hurt, and angry, until they have left the dance floor in different directions.
The dance continues not simply because of our own fears, but how we react to them. When someone pushes our fear button, do we really need to push back? Or can we simply show a little love and respect and hope our partner changes his or her dance step? As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. It is important to understand and identify this vicious downward cycle for what it truly is. It is time to install some upgraded software in our relationship system and improve the communication and start dancing more effortlessly.
The exact steps of this dance are written by our attachment and love styles and how it interacts with that of our partner. Do we fear losing him, or fear getting too close? When they try to get closer, does that push our button; activating our fear of closeness? Or, if they seem to draw away does that touch upon another fear button? We may begin the dance by not even being aware we have pushed the other’s button, then become confused when they push back.
The phrase dysfunctional dance is incredibly appropriate.
For example, a pursuer trying to get the love of another may unknowingly be going after a withdrawer. The withdrawer, however, feels overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotion, and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. They then withdraw to find peace and calm, which causes the pursuer to feel hurt and rejected, and so she reacts by pursuing the chosen target even more vigorously or risk abandonment and loneliness. Mutual fear buttons have been pushed and the dance of fear begins.
This complex little tango can begin without either party being aware the other took the first step, but the cure is simple enough. Be aware and considerate of your partner’s emotional state and needs, show love and respect.