Despite our best efforts and our fanciful dreams, it seems most relationships fail catastrophically or like a cancer, die painfully and quietly.
There are many barriers to a deep, connected love; poisons within our beliefs and communication that infect our relationships. It is imperative to look within ourselves and understand the barriers we have, ourselves, erected in our hearts. Becoming aware of our own barriers is step #1 to quickly and permanently removing them so we can connect easily and lovingly in the future.
Below are nine love killers that you need to watch out for:
– Self-Centeredness
– Lack of Observing Oneself
– Inability to Validate Another
– Playing Fair
– Emotional Detachment
– Control and Denial Separateness
– The Wish For Eden
– Parental Dynamics
– Lack of Boundaries
Self-Centeredness:
Self-Centeredness can be defined as a person who experiences life mostly in terms of his or her self. The self-centered person believes their life exists to make him happy. Others are there only as extensions of himself. The truly selfish person views any event in terms of how it affects himself alone. A self-centered person guarantees the failure of love or any sort of love-based attachment by denying the reality of anyone else; he can never adapt himself to another’s needs or wishes. He is narcissistic, with an inability to process shame or compassion, and is unable to sacrifice himself for the needs of another unless he gets something in return that better benefits him.
It often begins as manipulation. They get what they want and see only the reward without the sacrifice that others may have made to make it so. Soon, it becomes a habit, the expectation that this is the way the world works and it works around him alone. No meaningful relationship can endure based on one person.
The truly self-centered person can never have any sort of deep relationship, as the very concept implies two people, and from his or her point of view there is only the one.
Lack of Observing Oneself:
One of the most frustrating qualities one can have is the inability to see one’s self as others might, to look in the mirror and not see what looks back. Like the person who’s on the dance floor, “boogying down,” moon walking, and dancing so very fine, when in reality he’s just shaking a little and nodding his head. No one is perfect, and most people freely admit that, but the way towards fixing our problems and improving ourselves lies in our ability to clearly see our problems in the first place.
Someone in a relationship gets injured by some fault of the other, only the other sees no fault within himself, never apologizes, never sets things straight since there is nothing to correct. The relationship gets stuck. That bad dancer on the dance floor is never going to take dance lessons if he thinks his every move is like Fred Astaire. No conflict can be resolved until the one person admits to himself that he has a problem.
Take a good long look at yourself and be brutally honest. Are you really the best dancer on the floor? Are you really that cool dude with nothing to worry about? No one is perfect, no one without fault, and that includes you. Assume that you aren’t the Fred Astaire of relationships and there is room for improvement.
Only then can you truly groove to the beat of a great relationship.
Inability to Validate Another:
One of our deepest needs is to be understood and validated by others. We don’t necessarily have to be told that we’re right all the time, just see that someone understands how we feel and where we are coming from. When we are upset or feel a certain way, then we need to know others understand our needs. Emotional disaster can strike when we are dismissed out of hand. Being invalidated is like a child being told Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
When we get hurt, no one wants to hear, “Oh come on now, that didn’t hurt.” Isn’t it nicer to hear, “Hey, are you alright? That sounded like a difficult experience for you.” The latter builds connections between people, while the former breaks them.
A key component to validating someone is empathy. Don’t confuse sympathy with empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel how a person feels, listen to their words and hear the pain or joy behind them. Empathy creates a connection as it permits you to feel what is troubling the other person. When we can feel their emotions, an instant connection results. The antithesis, indifference is baffling. If you have ever heard, “You don’t get me, you never understood me?” The connection isn’t present and the empathetic feeling is missing.
There was a man at one of our seminars, Mike, and he was leaving the seminar early. When I asked why, he said he was going to see his wife’s art exhibit. He didn’t love art, in fact hated it, but he loved to see the way his wife looks when she’s doing what she loves to do; the look in her eyes, her body language. He loved to see her come alive at her art exhibits, and so he would attend as well. Rather than simply blowing it off as just “her thing”, he validated her in her choice of passion, and that only strengthened their love of one another.
Validation doesn’t even have to be dramatic. Is your partner a good cook? Tell them. Great with the kids? Say something. It could be anything from supporting their passion and life’s ambition to remarking on a recent achievement at work or home.
Another couple was attending a seminar together and the wife was supposed to drive to Palm Springs to pick up the kids then meet her hubby later. When he suggested this “driving separately” scenario, a panic attack bubbled up within her. She wondered if she’d find a gas station or get lost. Her husband instantly recognized her high state of anxiety and made the decision to go with her rearrange the kid/business pick up schedule. The relief that flooded through her was visible; she could breathe again. You may not always be able to adapt your schedule to meet the emotional needs of your partner, but acknowledging the need and offering a solution will get you more than half way there.
Sometimes all it takes is to say, “I understand,” and mean it.
Playing Fair:
We treat others as they treat us. If they are good to us, we are good to them. Does this also means that if they are bad to us then we are bad to them? No one is good all the time; there are times when there is poor behavior in a relationship. Do we return maliciously or inadvertently return more bad behavior?
That is why this “fairness” does not always work. We cannot sink to the worst possible behavior in a relationship, rather, we should rise above it gracefully in spite of any occasional slights. It’s like the difference between the Old and New Testaments; “eye for an eye” became “turn the other cheek.”
Don’t retaliate on bad behavior. Lead with good behavior. When you treat others the way you wish to be treated, you might not always get a reciprocal response, but you’ll certainly receive more good than bad. The golden rule works.
Emotional Unattachment:
Uncontrolled empathy can affect the receiver negatively if done without unattachment. A highly empathetic person often absorbs a person’s plight and sadness to the point where they cannot separate their feelings from their partner. When you are be empathetic, but unattached from their energy, you can connect with them while protecting yourself. Being detached from emotions can come off as a bit frosty; even cold. Without an empathetic underpinning, emotional detachment will not work. Being unattached from an outcome (or from the result of being honest) however, is a different manner. You can love unconditionally, be fully present, empathetic and still be unattached from the outcome. Being unattached is different than being detached.
– When you are unattached, you are open, honest and loving, but not committed to an outcome (which you may have no control of anyway).
– When you are detached, you are aloof and uncaring.
Control and Denial Separateness:
Freedom is important especially with married couples. Sure, you two are “one”, but to deny them their freedom to also be an individual, and they may decide to separate emotionally, physically or completely. Some people see their partners solely as extensions of themselves. The reality, however, is when there is a “We” there are always two “I’s.” Those who attempt to control the freedom of the one they love may only be loving themselves and will end up with just themselves.
This is a dangerous program that needs a delicate balance.
Love can only exist where there is freedom. When someone says “No,” one must learn to respect the statement, for that is showing how you respect the person. And if you didn’t really respect your partner, then your relationship may not be built on solid ground. If your partner needs his space, give it, because only then will you know he will always return and be there for you.
While we’ve mentioned the coins as deposits, Love itself is not a currency that can be taken and “saved.” Love only works when it is given freely. It has been said in many ways before, that the tighter you try to grip something, the more it will slip through your fingers. Love is something gentle that can be crushed by not enough care and also lost to too tight a grip. The old saying about letting a butterfly go and having it come back if it loves you is cute…and true.
The Wish For Eden:
We live in an imperfect world. We may strive for perfection, but perfection is a goal, not a reality. People have flaws that cannot always be “fixed.” Some people have a perfect image in their minds of either who they want to be with or the person they are with right now. When that perfect image clashes with the reality of the occasional flaw here and there, trouble ensues. People change. People grow. New patterns emerge.
There is no 100% ideal, perfect match.
Referring back to wabi-sabi love and embrace the little imperfections in your love instead of becoming annoyed by them. If you keep focusing on the flaws, they will become bigger and more pronounced in your eyes until they become unbearable. Like looking at life through a magnifying lens, that which we focus on becomes larger. That distant crack becomes a valley, and that odd way she sets the table becomes a National news item. The bigger a deal you make of a small imperfection, the more the other person will defend it, until the gulf that separates you becomes insurmountable.
Parental Dynamics:
The parent-child dynamic should never be emulated between a loving couple. Adults are supposed to know better than the child, and adult communication should be give and take, as opposed to “Do as I say.”
This need for domineering control, to have the other be subject to them, bears less a resemblance to a loving relationship and more a resemblance to teaching a toddler basic manners. There is no gender bias on Parental Dynamics. Husbands and wives are equally guilty of talking down to their partners.
In either case, one person feels like a victim.
Truth is, there is no one holding a gun to your head, no legal document that says you have no will of your own. Tell your partner how you feel and why. Realize in the end you are always your own person. You are only under another’s control when you allow the other person to control you. Only an unattached, non-judgmental and honest discussion will empower both parties to become equal partners.
Be truthful and transparent. Be honest with your partner so they do not feel the need to control every aspect around themselves. If one “insists” that you be home by a certain time, calmly say, “I have a business meeting tonight; it should be done by eight.” Then it’s up to the other person to listen and understand. Conversely, if there is a way you can reschedule the meeting to meet your partner’s needs and be home at a certain time-do it.
A disempowering coping strategy is the silent treatment. It doesn’t work with children, and is certainly not going to work with adults. Neither will the threat of withholding sex. All any of that will do is make matters worse, engendering feelings of alienation and anger. Any method of attempting to control behavior as opposed to encouraging behavior will fail, long-term.
There is only one method of influence that works.
Unconditional love.
When you love, cherish, accept and are unattached from the outcome of any disagreements, your partner will eventually follow that pattern.
You both win.
Lack Of Boundaries:
Our last love killer is boundaries, or a lack thereof. A Lack of Boundaries example would be when someone says “No” and you fail to have the proper reaction to it. Boundary problems arise from an inability to either say or hear the word “No”. If we allow someone to walk over us in a way that destroys respect, or we walk all over him without caring, a boundary is crossed. True love respects boundaries; we need to respect it when we hear that word “no”, and learn to say it when we need to.
A boundary may be physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, or relational. Your personal boundaries may need to be discussed openly with your partner. Oftentimes, they may not be aware of what’s going on in your head. If you step on someone’s toes on the dance floor too often and you may lose your dance partner. If you fail to explain your boundaries, “Hey, you’re stepping on my feet,” you’ll soon have sore feet.
Too much treading upon another’s boundaries also creates a feeling of loss of self, and this can lead to distraction and a breakdown in the relationship. The person whose boundaries are being violated might employ a negative coping strategy, such as drinking.
Love means respect, and respect means listening. When you hear, “I love you, but I still have to say no,” you’ve opened your heart, but kept your boundaries. A balanced relationship never suffers from this style of communication.
Sometimes a boundary lies not within yourself, but something very destructive within your partner. An extreme example would be a drug addiction. Presenting this boundary in a way that points out the problem without bringing offense will help allow the person to save face. “I love you and it hurts me so much to see you abuse yourself. Can we talk about getting you help, please?”
Even a small boundary may grow into a larger issue, so be clear and open, but take action. Hesitation and hoping the boundary will change rarely works. Take care to erect your boundaries against not only whatever would threaten your own individuality, but your relationship.
The slope from Love to Lack is slippery, that dance floor beneath your feet waxed to a fine polish. It takes some work to keep your footing, an eye open for the stumbling blocks that may lie in your path, but in the end the dance is well worth the effort.