Curiosity is the difference between merely wanting to hang out with someone else but not really caring where you are, and being motivated to know more about that person and what makes him tick. This is the first step you took when courting your spouse or partner.
Flash forward a few years and what don’t you know? Her favourite music used to turn you on. Now it’s a mundane conversation about the 80’s. You used to be fascinated by his business travels, now you’ve been to so many places, you don’t even get excited about your next trip.
How can we keep our excited, curious natures thriving if we ‘know’ everything about our partners?
Everyone changes over time, depending on what goals they have reached and on the experiences they have had. What changes them inside? What new experiences have shaped their opinions? What were your dreams fifteen years ago and what are they now? What cereal did you like then and which one now? Maybe after fifteen years she got sick of chocolate covered raisins only you didn’t realize that and so thought she was trying to insult you by refusing them. Don’t assume; get curious.
Even if you can finish each other’s sentences, you cannot know how they may have changed over the years unless you keep in communication. The mystery will always be there, ever changing and evolving. If you don’t stay in communication, you will start to feel detached.
She was a stranger when you first courted, so court her again.
Get curious enough to know who she or he has become over the years. Don’t make assumptions based on what you used to know about your partner, don’t feed the frustration with ignorance or apathy. That is a solid road to disconnection.
If you aren’t sure where to start or even how, there is a powerful technique called Mind Mapping, or for our specific relational subset, Love Mapping.
Mind Mapping (Love Mapping)
What is a love map? John Gottman, author of The Relationship Cure, describes the love map as the part of your brain where you store important information about your spouse. It’s a mental notebook where you store unique traits of your spouse. It includes your spouse’s dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. Your husband’s favorite breakfast cereal or the name of your wife’s best friend are important “points” on the map.
Unfortunately, most of our internal love maps keep us a bit lost. Without properly organizing a “legend” and a visual connection of your fears, joys, etc. our internal love maps remain a mystery to most. Why are thorough love maps so important? When you have a clear picture of one another’s love maps, it strengthens a relationship. Couples with clear love maps remember important dates and events, and they are aware of their partner’s changing needs. They constantly seek updates on what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking. Being known in this way is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and satisfaction. It also helps couples be better prepared to cope with marital conflict.
In one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. The other 33% did not see such a drop, and many felt their marriages improved. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps. “The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go…,” says Gottman. “These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval.”
Couples who established a habit of finding out about each other’s thoughts and feelings were likely to continue doing so at a time of change. Their deep knowledge about each other and their practice of staying in touch protected their relationships from being thrown off course. We have a blast creating love maps in our WE3 workshops. They are fun, interactive and get created in a very playful manner.
Start by creating your love map by asking each other some questions:
Family: Which of my parents do I think I’m most like? Why?
Friends: Name two of my best friends and how I met them.
Work: How do I feel about my boss? What would I change about my job?
Hobbies: What are my three favorite things to do in my spare time?
Dreams: What is one of my unrealized dreams?
Favorites: What is my favorite dessert? TV show? Sports team?
Feelings: What makes me feel stressed? When do I feel confident?
Answer these questions about your spouse:
- He/she’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
- You’re out to eat, what kind of dressing does he/she get on his salad?
- What’s one food he/she doesn’t like?
- You go out to eat what kind of drink would he/she have?
- Where did he/she go to high school?
- What size shoe does he/she wear?
- If he/she was to collect anything, what would it be?
- What is his/her favorite type of sandwich?
- What would this person eat every day if he/she could?
- What is his favorite cereal?
- What would s/he never wear?
- What is his/her favorite sports team?
- Who did he/she vote for? The one who actually had experience.
- Who is his/her best friend?
- What is something you do that he/she wishes you wouldn’t do?
- What is his/her heritage?
- You bake him/her a cake for his/her birthday.
- Did he/she play sports in high school?
- What could he/she spend hours doing?
From Savannah:
There was one couple that used mind mapping to find out where their problem were in their sex life. They would watch separate televisions at night. He would access porn while she would be watching a late night talk show. In therapy, she became uncomfortable with how explicit he was about his sexual fantasies. It was an uncomfortable experience for her, but she finally listened to what he was saying.
As it turns out, his fantasy was MILF porn. I simply pointed out that his wife is also the mother of his children, and rather good-looking, which makes her a MILF. It was an epiphany for them both. His eyes widened as he realized, “My wife IS a MILF,” and he suddenly looked at her like he wanted to devour her, while she was thunderstruck with the thought, “Oh my God, I’m a MILF.” Suddenly their relationship was aligned in a direction they hadn’t explored before.
Regardless of your challenge, mind mapping can be a great coping tool.
Recommended Books on Love Mapping
Recommended Books on Love Mapping
Hypnotherapy suggestions