How Does Romantic Love Go Wrong?
Your romantic relationships will typically progress through two distinct phases —
- The “romantic phase”: you have an expectation of need fulfilment and a euphoric feeling of completeness when your partner supplies the lost parts of your self. Cupid shoots a dose of Phenylethylalamine directly into your brain. You feel like the darling child in an ideal family.
- The “power struggle”: you come to hate what you fell in love with — “You’re so exuberant and alive!” becomes, “Can’t we have a rational conversation without you getting hysterical?!” Your powerful expectations of need fulfilment are inevitably not met. The shift from romance to power struggle tends to begin when you make a firm commitment to the relationship. Your unarticulated expectation is — “now my partner will magically meet all of my needs and love me like my parents never did!” When this doesn’t happen, it seems as if your partner is deliberately withholding gratification, so you may have a natural impulse to retaliate.
A typical power struggle cycle might go like this —
- He is quiet; she experiences this as withdrawal.
- She tries to get a response; he experiences this as nagging.
- He walks away; she experiences this as abandonment.
- She explodes in rage; he experiences this as an attack.
- He fights back… and it all ends in tears and resentment.
The problem is not the rupture but the failure to reconnect. The conflict is not a fundamental threat to your relationship, the threat is your inability to repair the rupture and get back to an intimate connection.
What usually happens in the absence of vulnerability and empathy is you try to control your partner to get what you want. Have you ever used behaviours like threatening, withholding affection, being sarcastic, cold, criticising, attacking, moping, blaming, or shaming to punish and hurt your partner into loving you right? That can succeed in intimidating your partner into complying with your wishes (although it generally doesn’t work very well), but it’s hardly a loving and compassionate way to be.
You may be trying to get your partner to understand your pain by inflicting something similar on them.
This dramatically increases the amount of pain in your relationship, guaranteeing that you will get the opposite of what you want and need.
It is impossible to have a bad relationship if someone is meeting all your needs. If you can’t meet your challenges it is because you are not really committed to the plan, not committed to change. You may feel like it’s your partner’s fault alone and not your own, and in some cases maybe it is. However, since it is impossible to change another person, your only canvas is your own. Your only influence on your partner is how well you improve your “I”
Your Action Plan
A quick little step-by-step plan that can go a long way.
Step 1: Commit to Moving Towards.
Before you can understand each other’s needs, become self-aware and execute all the steps to creating secure attachments, you have to commit to the process. Don’t go after rebooting your relationship with a “let’s try and see what happens” attitude. Commit to proactive solutions.
Step 2: Understand the problem.
Becoming self-aware isn’t easy and it rarely happens in an instant. By consistently using the tools in this book and applying them on a daily basis, you’ll not only become a better person, but you’ll likely create a more approachable person within your partner. Understanding is freedom.
Step 3: Create a plan.
Discuss things open and honestly, then create a plan that will work. Don’t judge. Don’t attach emotion or feelings to the outcome or words. When you work as a team on what you both want, the synergy of the “We” comes to life. Follow the road to reconnecting on the dance floor of Life.
Step 4: Look at the emotional needs.
There is a significant amount of discussion regarding emotional needs because we begin our love through emotion. Identify which emotional needs have to be met, then work towards fulfilling those needs using the communication techniques and coping styles that are empowering to the both of you.
Seven Basic Principles
When you take a moment each day and apply these seven simple principles to your relationship, you’ll fend off the darker clouds heralded by the Four Horsemen. It is far easier to take the time to check the oil of your classic car on a regular basis than to wait until the entire engine needs replacing.
Trust:
All relationships are ultimately based on trust. To build trust you must simply keep your word, remain consistent, and be dependable in everything you say and do. Never say or do anything that can shake the trust the other put in you.
Respect:
Take the time to deliberately express your respect for what makes your partner unique, valuable, and important. Don’t expect your partner will automatically know that you still share that respect.
Communication:
The amount of time you take to invest in communication with your partner increases the value of the relationship. Listen attentively, calmly, and quietly, and give him or her your total attention, and they will return the favor. Show respect for one another in the way you converse.
Courtesy:
Saying “please” and “thank-you” on a regular basis will make them feel better about themselves and raise their self-esteem. This is especially important with people we care about the most.
Caring:
The greatest gift you can give one another is unconditional love and acceptance. Never condemn, criticize or complain. Look for ways to show that you care for that person, make them feel respected and loved.
Praise and Appreciation:
When you express your appreciation for something another person does, they feel better about it and will do more of it. The more you give, the more you’ll get. This is true of smiles, appreciation and gratitude.
Helpfulness:
The seventh principle for success in a relationship is to be helpful with those people whom you live with. Being willing to step in and assist with the little burdens.
Recommended Books on The Four Horsemen