The conflict between the needs of the “I” versus the “We” become a dance of their own. We fight for connection, for closeness, but we also seek to protect our hearts from being hurt and devalued. When we focus on our own needs without regard to our partners needs simultaneously, we often fall into a rhythm of getting closer and backing away, a cycle through pain and pleasure. Sooner or later one person in this dance cannot stand it anymore and the relationship becomes more detached. We long for closeness and create separation.
Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way that couples relate, but one that often leaves them removed from one another. In their attempt to be seen and understood by their partner, many couples become stuck in this cycle. One partner pursues and the other withdraws, and the more one pursues the more the other withdraws. Finally, the withdrawer shuts down completely. The dance of dysfunction moves off of the dance floor because they are unable to share what is in their hearts; they are only able to share their anger and frustration. The pursuer feels the loss of the other’s attention and so seeks it through a growing haze of anger and frustration, feeling that if he or she does not pursue then the other will go away.
It is quite common for women to be the pursuer. A woman’s high level of emotional communication can be perceived as nagging by her man who is often less communicative. Without an answer to a woman’s inquiry, she doubles down on her pursuit. Emotions overtake the content and the withdrawer is overwhelmed by the pursuer’s frustration. They both end up feeling devalued and disrespected.
Men are known to use 30 to 50 percent fewer words in a day than women. What is seen by a woman as withdrawing is often a man’s frugal use of his vocabulary
The cycle accelerates as her increased frustration does nothing to help him open up and share more. The pursuer pursues more and the withdrawer withdraws in kind.
When one is busy either pursuing or withdrawing, he or she does not have the energy left to see the partner’s perspective and needs. They see one another as inconsiderate and uncaring, that the other does not understand them.
What usually triggers this dance cycle is when something happens that suddenly puts your spouse into a different light. You see them as no longer kind or thoughtful, not the loving person that you married, and so you withdraw or pursue. It might not have been what your spouse meant it to seem, but that is the way that you saw it.
When such a difference becomes a threat, the other person is seen as an enemy instead of a companion. The irony is most of the time it was the difference between you two that pulled you together in the first place. It is only the perception of these differences that shifts from positive to negative. Our fear of talking openly where our opinions and feelings are subject to criticism, blame, and defensiveness become roadblocks to the secure connection we actually want.
The way out of this dangerous dance is non-judgmental communication; communication that involves the sharing of your needs, hurts, and feelings in an open, honest and non-emotional fashion. When we speak calmly, with no yelling, it is easier to capture a person’s intent, meaning, and feelings. Regardless if you are a withdrawer or a pursuer, expressing your needs and longings will have its difficulties.
Depending on if you are the Withdrawer or the Pursuer, there are a few things that you should keep in mind when communicating.
Withdrawer:
The withdrawer must learn to openly share his feelings and not assume that the other can read their thoughts or emotional states. Your interactions should revolve around your longings and fears, not anger and disappointment. If you don’t know what to do, try the following:
– Admit that you do not know what to do.
– Ask your spouse what they need from you.
– If you don’t know what you are supposed to do with your spouse’s emotions, listen with an empathic attitude.
Even if you can’t find a solution to whatever their challenge is, be there for them. Most of the time, a solution isn’t the answer. Listening is.
Pursuer:
The pursuer, on the other hand, must learn to express their heart without anger and without being attached to the response of the withdrawer. Try the following:
– Learn to relax
– Breathe
– Allow the withdrawer to take the time and space they need to effectively communicate their feelings without an instant response.
– Count to 10 and ask clarifying questions before offering any answers or solutions.
If you catch yourself trying to “fix” the situation, understand that many withdrawers may simply need to express a frustration or feeling, not necessarily have it “repaired.” Sometimes the nod of your head or an affirming “I see” is enough to make the withdrawer comfortable to share more.
When you are first coming out of this withdraw and pursue cycle, it is important to emotionally reconnect as soon as you can. Do not simply sweep the incident under the rug and forget about it, or it may return again later as an unresolved hurt.
When trying to reconnect after being hurt, remember these three things:
1) Acknowledge what happened: your own role as well as your spouse’s role. Admit your part in the conflict.
2) Share your hurts and needs, not your anger and frustration.
3) When all is said and done, touch and Talk. Soft encouraging tones, a simple soothing touch, can be very powerful.
If you want to avoid this dance in the first place, there are three things you can do:
1) First, believe in the best intentions of your spouse; don’t assume he or she is out to get you.
2) Second, risk doing things differently; open your heart and learn how to relate in ways that draw you together.
3) And finally, decide what it is about your spouse that you love, makes you feel loved and understood by him or her, then tell them.
This simple system is a key ingredient to build a closer emotional attachment bond that will weather the pains and pressures of life and marriage, and make of your relationship a safe place to keep your heart.