SESSION OVERVIEW
You may need 2 to 3 sessions to work through this very difficult step. No matter what the affair type, the betrayed spouse deserves the respect, to gain closure through being able to process the betrayal of the spouse.
- This is most probably the 2nd or 3rd session, and should be within a few days of the first session, at latest 1 week from 1st session.
- Individual sessions are maybe required at this time for both people. Both people need specific advice on their next steps.
Sometimes the affair story has not always been told to the betray spouse. Quite often the betrayed spouse has found an email or seen a text message from a 3rd party. Seeing this is devastating enough.
This may even be the reason why the couple first presents for therapy. The betrayed threatens to leave and the infidel reacts by seeking counseling. Neither one truly knows what they are doing. Everybody is just reacting.
So as an infidelity recovery coach our first role is to assess the “affair type”. And unless it is an exit affair we are quite confident we can overcome the challenge.
Time for an individual session?
Both people have personal pieces they would like to add to the story in private.
For example, some women who have put on a massive amount of weight over the years may feel uncomfortable talking about weight issues in front of their husband, but would like to privately confide about their insecurity in the bedroom. I note this down, so when we get into the exercises in sex and intimacy, I am sensitive around her body image issues. I will also look at their lifestyle and recreational activities, and factor this into my treatment plan.
But the main reason for an individual session with the infidel is to help them disclose the truth.
Everybody has a problem with honesty that is sitting in front of you!
The Affair Story Overview
Here we want the Infidel to disclose the affair to the spouse, at the level of detail the spouse needs (some people need all the details, and some only need the basics). In order to create a safe environment for the story to be shared, we teach the couple techniques in communication & conflict resolution.
Strategies such as “timed monologues”, or a written affair disclosure letter are used, to assist in the Infidel to explain what they did, so the couple can move forward. The betrayed spouse will feel that the “intrusive thoughts” over the details of the affair reduce after disclosure.
This can be a highly stressful time for the infidel, who feels they will hurt their spouse more with the details of the affair, however not knowing the details is more damaging to the relationship. ALWAYS, the infidel reports great person relief from the total disclosure.
It is a heavy weight for a person to live under such a lie. Remember that the unfaithful spouse is a person too! They often did not mean to be in the situation they are in right now. I am not asking for you to have pity on them, but your judgment and criticism will have them withdraw from treatment, and perhaps back to the lover!
After the betrayed spouse understands the affair story, the infidel writes the apology letter. This is not asking for forgiveness from the betrayed spouse.
We also help the couple look at their relationship environment – and continue to introduce new healthy rituals to facilitate communication and friendship, leading to intimacy.
Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which you can begin to rebuild the relationship.
To move forward, couples need to come to an understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of affair, the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. Peggy Vaughan in her e-‐book hypothesized: “A couple is more likely to stay married after the affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.”
In Peggy’s Survey of 1083 Betrayed Spouses:
o 55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together)
o 78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together)
o 86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together)
She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the partner was significantly associated with present marital status.
A second hypothesis stated: “a couple is more likely to stay married when the spouse answers their questions.”
- 59% of those refused to answer questions were still married (and living together)
- 81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together)
- 86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together)
She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status.
Research clearly supports the benefit of couples exploring what has happened. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions.
Betrayed partners usually ask the following things:
- Is this the first time that you were unfaithful? Was this time similar or different?
- How did you meet?
- Why did you feel the need to have an affair?
- Where did it happen?
- How did it happen?
- Did you feel guilty?
- How could it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong?
- Did you buy him/her gifts?
- Did you think about me at all?
- What does she / he know that I don’t? *
- What does she / he give you that I don’t? *
- Why is she/he more attractive then I am? *
- What did you like about yourself in the affair? Were you different?
- Did you have unprotected sex?
- Did you do this or that with him / her? *
- How much did you tell him / her about us?
- Did you talk about a future together?
Please note that comparison questions serve little or no benefit. They create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. However, they pop up all the time. As a coach, try not to insist on them!
PREPARING FOR DISCLOSURE – CLIENT ADVIC
Step two is the moment when the betraying partner has to tell the story of the affair.
The detail level should be exactly the level that the betrayed partner needs and accepts. Not less, not more. Understanding and knowing is necessary for forgiveness!
Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The hurt spouse might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, but questions comparing themselves to the affair partner serve little or no benefit. It is these comparison questions that ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process and getting through an affair.
ADVICE FOR YOUR CLIENT:
- I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often the story is told piecemeal, as the hurt spouse ask questions and the unfaithful spouse tries to answer. This leaves gaps in the timeline causing problems later.
- When you finish telling the story, please don’t say….. “that’s everything”. You’re far better off realizing that you’ve told everything you remember at that moment, but there’s always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light.
- Tell them you’re committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring not only what happened, but also why it happened.
THE AFFAIR STORY – Retelling the story of the affair
- You will need to put the story of the affair onto paper. The affair story should be written in as much detail as you feel there spouse can handle.
- You should tell your spouse that you are doing this task and will have it done within 24 to 72 hours.
o When complete, consider “the letter” as a first draft
- The letter is given to the betrayal spouse with respect, and without resentment or negative comment.
- The betrayed spouse will need time to process the letter and feel grieve the contents. The infidel should expect many questions to arise from this letter, and for a rewrite or edit of the letter.
- Monologues help greatly during this time, to express the feelings and pain arising from the submission, and for the couple to bond through “being there” during periods of great stress. Trust is being rebuilt during these
CHECK POINT
By this point you have done the following before proceeding to the apology:
Couple/Client has:
- Disclosed the affair (did the infidel complete the letters to the lover/s)
- Story of affair letter completed
- The story of the affair has been accepted by the betrayed spouse
- Has A same-‐sex friend who is in favor of the relationship
- Working daily on the rituals of love
- Learning to communicate without the 4 horsemen entering the conversation
| You have: | ||
| 1 | Determined Affair Type | |
| 2 | Introduced concepts of | |
| o | Quality Time | |
| o | Monologues | |
| o | Transparency | |
| o | Active listening | |
| o | The 4 Horsemen | |
You can now move the couple forward to the exercise of the “apology” – ONLY if appropriate.
The Apology
Depending on the Type of Affair, you can offer your client two options:
- Verbal Apology
- The 6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology
The “Apology” is simply that…an apology. We are not asking the betrayed partner for forgiveness at this stage and in fact we discourage it.
Often, the betrayed partner will say the infidel has not apologized as yet for what they have done. So a formal apology is required.
The apology is better accepted at this stage, after a week or two of communication exercises and monologues, so the couple has a chance to build empathy and listening skills.
As a therapist, you can talk with your client about how to give an effective apology. Sometimes, the client can view the 6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology and pick up a few ideas on how to apologize more effectively.
“6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology”
The Infidelity Recovery Institute has created “6 Steps to a Heart Felt Apology”.
These 6 steps are available as resources to you and your clients. Look under Step 2 – The Affair Story in your TOOLS.
You can use and adapt these steps as long as The Infidelity Recovery Institute is given credit in your references.
Summary:
- Affairs do not heal by themselves. They require explanation.
- Healing will not being, until the betrayed partner is able to process what happened.
- The betraying partner should tell the story of the affair exactly the way the betrayed partner wants to hear it.
- This is the only way for the betrayed partner to heal and let go of the intrusive thoughts.
- The story has to make sense, this is the only way for them to move forward!
- This is the solid foundation that they need in order to save the marriage.
- The simple truth is this: the more the partners discuss the affair, the more likely that they stay together. We have statistical data to prove it.
- Discussing the affair provides clarity even for those who have been unfaithful (increased self-understanding).
- The betraying partner should answer questions to their best ability
- Betraying partners should not lie about details, because that creates suspicion. If they are unsure about specific details, then say “I really have forgotten.” Do not make up a story to help the betrayed partner.
- All missing pieces should be accounted for (in detail, if necessary: phone calls, calendars etc.).
- All in all: you cannot be close to someone you lie to.
- The relationship cannot be rebuilt on a foundation of secrecy. The ongoing lies will compound overtime and effect the quality of the relationship in the future.
Forms:
WORKBOOK FOR COUPLES
– 07_WORKBOOK_THE AFFAIR STORY_FOR COUPLES
Forms:
WORKBOOK FOR COUPLES