The 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Method

Step 7 – Moving Forward

Should you stay or should you go?

There are no guarantees in life. While you may have committed to a relationship with your partner in the past, you may not wish to commit to a relationship moving forward. People change over time.

Now that you understand why the affair happened, and you understand what each other needs in a relationship, decisions can be made about moving forward. Do you still want to be in a relationship with your partner?

Divorce is the best option for some couples – especially if there is no love, no respect, and no friendship. For some couples, the 7-Step Program provides a path towards closure. The affair issues and questions have been covered, and now can be closed. The couple has a clear understanding of why the relationship failed.

Perhaps the decision is – Committing to the next 3 months. For example, if the affair type was sexual addiction, then the after care program would include sex addiction programs or therapy. The betrayed spouse would set some boundaries around deciding on the future of the relationship, based on the unfaithful partners commitment to aftercare programs & ongoing treatment for sex addiction.

If you commit to moving forward in the relationship – then move forward with a plan. Plan for success. Know your relationship weaknesses. Be ready to share affection and intimacy.

Be ready to take ownership for your own healing and personal growth. For the unfaithful partner, make a plan to work on personal and family of origin issues that often contribute to infidelity. Though the information can be disconcerting, it is important for the ongoing building of trust.

Here are some considerations to help guide that decision:

Factors to Consider

Nature of the Infidelity
- Was it a one-time mistake or an ongoing affair? Understanding the context can help assess the severity and implications of the betrayal.
Feelings of Both Partners
- How do both partners feel? Are both willing to work on the relationship? Open and honest communication about feelings is crucial.
Trust and Transparency
- Can trust be rebuilt? Consider whether both partners are committed to restoring trust and being transparent moving forward.
Willingness to Heal
- Are both partners willing to put in the effort to heal? Healing from infidelity takes time and commitment from both sides.
Shared Goals and Future Vision
- Do you have common goals? Assess whether you can envision a future together and share similar aspirations.
Support Systems
- Do you have support from friends, family, or professionals? Seeking guidance can provide valuable perspectives and emotional support.
Personal Values and Boundaries
- What are your values regarding fidelity? Consider what boundaries are important to you and whether they can be respected moving forward.
Emotional Well-being
- How has the infidelity impacted your mental health? Your emotional well-being should be a priority. Consider whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you.
History of the Relationship
- What has the relationship been like overall? Reflect on the positive and negative aspects of your relationship history to inform your decision.

Steps to Take

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to understand your emotions and desires. Journaling or speaking with a trusted friend can help clarify your thoughts.
Communicate Openly: Have honest conversations with your partner about your feelings, expectations, and the future of the relationship.
Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy to navigate the complexities of rebuilding trust and communication.
Evaluate Your Options: Make a list of pros and cons for staying versus leaving. This can help clarify your feelings and options.
Trust Your Instincts: Ultimately, listen to your intuition. Consider what feels right for you in your unique situation.

The decision to stay or go after infidelity is complex and deeply personal. It requires careful consideration of emotions, values, and future aspirations. Taking the time to reflect, communicate, and seek support can help guide you toward the best decision for your well-being and happiness.

The effect of affair type on moving forward

Exit Affairs – If the exit affair type has made it to Step 7, the couple is either prepared for separation or at the start of a complete relationship overhaul.

The Avoidance affair types and especially the Mid-life crisis affair usually develop in a void or a deficiency within the marriage. It is this “missing piece” that must be identified and integrated into the marriage in order to create highest levels of security and satisfaction. This is a painful exercise and subject to misinterpretation. The faithful spouse must ask themself

“If you can’t do anything different because you did everything perfect, (and the affair still happened), then you will have very little influence on whether or not it will happen again. However, if you can make a number of different contributions to this marriage, then you will feel more secure in the outcome and be surer of your influence. Your voice will matter.”

Many times these changes have already taken place by Step 7. Nevertheless, it often requires a difficult review of all the marriage was not providing. The very first forgiveness letter completed in Step 2 – The Affair Story, often identified a number of those items, but it is common for a number of new ones to surface as communication improves.

Sex Addicts can move forward to have a wonderful marriage, once the couple understands the nature of addiction.

Philanderers and Entitlement Affairs can also move forward from infidelity – once the couple understands the true needs of the other person. A new acceptable definition of monogamy is agreed upon.

How To Stay Committed In Your Relationship

Create a commitment statement, similar to a business or organization mission statement. A commitment statement outlines the purpose and goals for the marriage. It may also include rules and boundaries that strengthen the marriage and keep it safe.

Greet each other personally and physically each day. Not only does hugging and kissing feel good, it is a special gesture to reinforce the commitment of spouses.

Talk and stay connected about hopes, dreams, and goals. These topics are future-oriented; talking about the future can strengthen the current commitment.

Spend both quality and quantity time together. Making time for each other, just to check in or to have a date, can strengthen the bond and reinforce spouses’ dedication to the marriage.

Be best friends with your spouse. Friendship is a commitment.

Recognize that memories and traditions expand commitment. Doing special things together develops and honors traditions that are important to building meaning and significance in the marriage.

Share spiritual or religious activities together to help promote individual and relationship connection. Sharing spiritual practices can help a couple grow closer and strengthen each spouse’s commitment.

Value doing small acts of kindness for your spouse. While it may be easy to take advantage of what your spouse provides for the benefit of the relationship, everyone desires to feel acknowledged. Doing a chore, bringing home a special gift, or sending a loving note are all simple but effective ways of showing respect and dedication to your spouse and the marriage.

Talk about how you met and the many reasons you fell in love and decided to marry. Reflecting on the reasons for committing to one another in the first place can renew desire to capture and preserve the relationship.

Make intimacy a positive time for connection. This ultimate expression of commitment should be a special time that both spouses can look forward to.

Creating shared goals and visions

A way to make commitment possible is to begin to share your goals and visions as a couple. Creating shared goals and visions after a relationship experiences infidelity is important for several reasons:

1. Fostering Unity and Collaboration

Strengthening Bond: Working together towards common goals fosters a sense of partnership, reinforcing the bond between both partners.
Shared Purpose: Having a mutual direction can help both individuals feel more connected and aligned, which is crucial for rekindling love.

2. Rebuilding Trust and Commitment

Demonstrating Commitment: Engaging in shared goals signifies a commitment to the relationship and to each other, helping to rebuild trust that may have been shaken.
Encouraging Transparency: Collaborating on goals requires open communication, which can restore trust and create a safe space for both partners.

3. Encouraging Open Communication

Promoting Honest Dialogue: Discussing and setting shared goals fosters an environment where both partners can express their feelings and desires, enhancing understanding.
Clarifying Expectations: It helps clarify what each partner wants from the relationship moving forward, reducing misunderstandings and aligning aspirations.

4. Facilitating Healing and Growth

Addressing Underlying Issues: Working on shared goals can help identify and address the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity, promoting healing.
Personal and Relational Growth: Pursuing goals together encourages both partners to grow individually and as a couple, strengthening their connection.

5. Creating Positive Experiences

Building New Memories: Achieving shared goals can lead to positive experiences that help replace negative memories associated with infidelity, allowing for healing.
Fostering Joy and Connection: Shared successes can reignite feelings of love and joy, helping both partners reconnect emotionally.

6. Enhancing Emotional Intimacy

Deepening Connection: Working towards common goals often requires vulnerability and openness, which can deepen emotional intimacy and foster love.
Reinforcing Support: As partners support each other in achieving goals, they cultivate a sense of teamwork and connection that can enhance feelings of love.

7. Providing a Sense of Direction

Establishing a Vision for the Future: Shared goals give the relationship a sense of direction and purpose, helping both partners see a positive future together.
Encouraging Forward Movement: Focusing on goals can help couples move forward rather than dwell on past mistakes, facilitating a fresh start.

Creating shared goals and visions after infidelity is essential for rebuilding trust, fostering unity, and enhancing emotional intimacy. It encourages open communication, facilitates healing, and allows couples to focus on a positive future together. By working collaboratively, partners can strengthen their bond and rekindle feelings of love, ultimately leading to a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.

Trust

Yes, re-establishing trust in a relationship is crucial before falling back in love, and here’s why:

1. Foundation of Love

Trust as a Cornerstone: Love thrives in an environment of trust. Without it, emotional intimacy can be compromised, making genuine feelings of love difficult to foster.

2. Emotional Safety

Creating a Safe Space: Trust provides a sense of safety, allowing both partners to be vulnerable and open with each other. This vulnerability is essential for rekindling love.
Reducing Anxiety: When trust is re-established, partners can feel more secure in expressing their feelings, reducing anxiety and fear of betrayal.

3. Healing from Pain

Addressing Past Hurts: Trust must be rebuilt to address the emotional pain caused by infidelity or conflict. Without healing, lingering resentment can hinder the resurgence of love.
Facilitating Forgiveness: Trust helps in the forgiveness process, allowing both partners to move forward without the weight of past grievances.

4. Encouraging Open Communication

Promoting Honest Dialogue: Trust enables open and honest communication, which is essential for discussing feelings, needs, and expectations. This communication is key to falling back in love.
Clarifying Intentions: When partners trust each other, they can express their intentions and desires clearly, fostering a deeper emotional connection.

5. Strengthening the Relationship

Building Resilience: A relationship with a strong foundation of trust is more resilient to future challenges. This strength can reignite feelings of love and commitment.
Encouraging Mutual Growth: Re-establishing trust often involves both partners committing to personal and relational growth, creating a healthier dynamic that supports love.

6. Reinforcing Commitment

Demonstrating Dedication: Rebuilding trust shows a commitment to the relationship and to each other, reinforcing the desire to reconnect on a deeper level.
Fostering Loyalty: When trust is present, partners feel more loyal to each other, which can reignite feelings of love and affection.

Re-establishing trust is vital for falling back in love after a breach, as it creates a safe emotional space, facilitates healing, and promotes open communication. Without trust, love can be overshadowed by doubt and insecurity, making it difficult for the relationship to flourish. By focusing on rebuilding trust, couples can create a strong foundation for renewed love and connection.

Relationship benefits in completing the 7-Step program?

• A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective.
• They can learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools provided by the therapist or infidelity recovery coach.
• Partners can improve communication that may have eroded the quality of their interactions. It’s common for couples to reach an impasse and lose the ability to be vulnerable and trusting of one another.
• It can provide “neutral territory” to help couples work through tough issues or to put aside “baggage” that prevents the couple from moving on.
• Couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment, or clarify the reasons why they need to separate or end the marriage.

In sum, for affair recovery counseling to be effective, the affair story must be told. After the processing of the betrayal, both partners need to be willing to take responsibility for their part in the problems, to accept each other’s faults, and to be motivated to repair the relationship. It’s important for couples to have realistic expectations because it takes more than a few sessions to shed light on the dynamics and to begin the process of change. Commitment to the program is paramount.

The entire 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Program is designed around the rebuilding of trust by the commitment to working on the relationship; creating space for friendship & intimacy; setting new rituals; and changing the communication patterns.

Hopefully, the unfaithful partner has completed all exercises to end the affair and create transparency for the betrayed partner to feel “safe” and respected.

Trust will happen in time. Trust is built in the small moments – by the making and keeping of promises and commitments.

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