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The 13 Core Skills for Effective Listening in Love Relationships
When working with couples one of the critical skills (basic core skills) is listening, understanding, and validating (LUV Talk). Just because you hear something doesn’t mean you’re listening.
Listening isn’t just a skill, it’s one of the keys to wisdom. It requires a calm and genuine curiosity to truly ‘understand’ something or someone for the first time. Understanding isn’t just saying, “I understand.” The other person must ‘feel felt’ and/or ‘get gotten’ by you and understand that you understand. That may mean suspending judgment, ‘leaning in’ and staying with the conversation 2-5 minutes longer than you think. End with, “Am I getting you?”
For core listening skills — read on:
- Reframe listening- First, let’s reframe this whole listening business, mostly because many people think they listen well and most are missing the point. Instead of “listening,” I like to use the term “getting her world!” Getting her world means I’m invested in knowing all of her and deeply understanding who she is and what makes her tick. When she feels “gotten” by me, she feels seen, understood and known by me. New things can happen from this place. So, learn to “get her world.” And, getting her world is a very active process.
- Self-connection. This seems to be the foundation. The more I’m connected to me, my body, and my heart, the more available I am to her and to really hearing her.
When I’m disconnected, I’m less and less available to her, my kids, my friends and then life tends to feel drab and dull. If I’m not connected to me, I can’t connect to her. - Heart Desire—Desire is my genuine interest in knowing her. My heart has to be online first, then “care” and interest naturally follow. Sure, desire comes and goes, but when desire is there, my capacity and interest to listen is directly reflected and she feels like I’m “with her.” Most folks listen with the mind only. Adding the heart takes listening to the next level.
- Cultivate your other senses- When I’m really deeply listening to her, I’m using other senses. My body, my intuition, my gut, my toes, my hands. More is going on than I can imagine. Feel yourself and her as you listen.
- Use your co-dependency to your advantage. A lot of men are way more sensitive and tuned into their woman than they think. This is annoying when a man can’t learn to capitalize on his sensitivity and he’s just neurotically tracking her like a hurt boy. If you are going to be tracking her that much, then learn to track her in a non-hurt little boy-hypervigilant kind of way. Instead, use your sensitivity to your advantage and really hear her.
- Get skills—I have plenty, but when used without the other suggestions, they are exceedingly limited. Get some skills. Learn how to get her world, validate and share impact (all of which I cover in my classes).
- Drop your agenda. If you are a man, this will be hard. Let go of where you think it’s going and what you want for her. Problem solving isn’t what she wants, unless she asks you directly for that
- Be okay with any emotion. If you struggle to be with strong emotion, this will be hard. So, you’ll need to get comfortable with yourself and your inner terrain. You’ll also need to move toward what’s uncomfortable. I learned this one early in my career as a psychotherapist. I will unconsciously block someone from where they want to go if I’m “scared” to go there in myself. Likewise, women who feel their man shut down, check out, or get uncomfortable with their full range will retract, not share, shut down, and trust you less over time.
- Clear out baggage with “the feminine” or mom. Many men struggle to really listen to their woman because they are still angry at Mom, x-girlfriends, etc. It’s often buried under denial, but it’s probably in there.
- See your relationship with her as a path to know yourself more clearly. The more you clear out your baggage, the more you can see others for who they actually are.
- Not taking her for granted. When we live with someone day in and day out for many many years, I’m seeing that I can take my woman for granted. That’s painful to see, but it’s true. It happens. So, if you are in a long-term partnership, you are at greater risk of this one. Staying inspired and in your heart is the way to avoid this one.
- Check in and get feedback. Does she feel heard, understood and known by me? If not, I’m not getting her no matter how hard I try. Just ask. Trust her answer and go back and try again.
- Remember that she is an ocean. Her depths will never truly be explored in this lifetime, so I can relax, knowing that she is truly a mystery. Settle in and plan on never fully knowing her. Be an explorer of a never-ending Universe. How exciting!
When we humans feel heard, we soften, we relax. We come out of fight/flight/freeze. We feel safe. We open. We are now available for love, sex, and deeper layers of relating and connecting.
There’s so many layers to listening to her. The more I’m truly there with all of my being, the more her flower petals open. When she opens like a flower, my love grows and my heart expands.
What a beautiful and fascinating ride we are on.
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT. Author, Psychotherapy and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Find Joe on Facebook. [/author_info] [/author]
