“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

In my years living as a control freak searching for the secret to happiness, I have discovered one thing that always rings true. Life seems to get so much better when I give up control.

I have spent my entire life trying to predict, prevent and PLAN every single outcome. As a Parent I am SO much more intent on the three P’s and I can spend excessive amount of energy on trying to force the future to become the one that I am planning for.

I know that I am not alone because i constantly meet and work with people, who just like me, spend a lot of time weighing in on other peoples business rather than focussing on their own.

In the past I have enjoyed giving other people advice, but what I have discovered is that when we give unsolicited advice or tell others how things should or shouldn’t be, when we stick our nose into other people business we are trying to complete our own need for control.

When we feel qualified to give advice, we think that we know better than the other person and we are in effect, taking CONTROL too far.

When we are are focused outwardly, when we are not focused internally, that is, minding our own business and following our own advice and living truthfully, we aren’t able to help others. Essentially we are are doing others, the world and ourselves a disservice.

On todays Science of Happiness video we are going to talk about letting go of control to gain happiness. If you want to end the pain of wanting to change things outside of your control, you have to look inside yourself,  to see why you do it in the first place.

Here are three things about trying to control things that all RECOVERING control freaks need to be mindful of.

1. The reason why we try to control things that are happening around us is because of Fear.  

We try to control things because we fear what might happen if we don’t. The irony of this is that when we exist in a state of fear, we are easily controlled. Look at how advertising works. The very premise is fear. Fear that we are not good enough or fear that we don’t have what it takes to be accepted by others or to be happy in ourselves. In every case,  the solution is provided by the product being sold. The dream car, the beauty cream, the perfect vacation, the cool looking clothes the, the weight loss product, or the solution to make us feel more complete.

The second reason that we try to control things around us and other people is because of expectation of lack of faith and Belief in ourselves.

2. Control and the pain associated with control is a direct result of being attached to a specific desired and required outcome.

When we have faith and trust that we will be okay no matter what circumstances unfold, the need to micro-manage everything disappears.

In situations where we open ourselves up to all the possibilities that aren’t obvious or present when we stop trying to control the outcomes, is when we become truely happy.

It is like driving in the dark when we can only see the road ahead that is illuminated by the headlights of the car, yet we still have faith that the road ahead exists in front of us and is taking us on our safe journey.

The third important understanding about control is to recognise and appreciate

 3. The energetic possibilities of surrender are so much greater than the wasteful energetic expenditure of Control.

Think about what happens to you physically when you are in a state of or a need for control or when you experience fear, or loss of control.

Your heart race increases, adrenaline is pumping your mind is racing, from the past to the present to the future and back again, your concentration is limited and your memory is poor, and you lack all ability to remain in the present moment.

When we surrender, we feel a sense of calm and peace, and an ability to see the bigger picture and enjoy the ability to remain aware of the present.

The irony here is that when we attempt to control things we actually feel LESS in control than when we learn to let go.

The Art of Surrender

When we Surrender we Stop fighting the universe and we stop fighting our need to control and we allow the natural flow of things to progress.

Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well, even without my input.

It’s not about sitting around and being a sitting duck, it is simply about stopping the fight resistance and allowing the ease of flow. In essence we learn to take control or action from a place of allowing or surrender.

Letting go of control not only feels better, but it actually produce better results.

To take action we need to notice when we are in a place of resistance or in control mode, and make a conscious decision to shift our energy into surrender or allowing. zester Hicks refers to this process as the Art of Allowing.

For me this starts with developing conscious breathing. I take a big deep breath in and close my eyes, and i tighten my fist tight tight tight holding on to the control, and then I slowly and deeply breathe out and slowly unclench and open my hand releasing all the stress, resistance and control, when I breath out.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the shift from control to surrender.

Here are 3 things to help you shift into a state of allowing.

1. identify what the fear is. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control? Question the validity of the fear and and ask yourself is it really true?
2. Who’s business am I concerned with? IF the issue is really not your own business then your attempts to control it are fruitless and the outcome is never going to be to your own satisfaction. If its none of your own business then you have to move on to feel happy content.
3. Would letting go of the thoughts and feelings give you a sense of freedom? If so then allow yourself to let that feeling of freedom guide you towards the direction of happiness. Perhaps you might want to use a visualization of flow  that allows you to let go and enjoy the thoughts of an alternative yet desirable outcome.

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

To be truely happy we need to believe in a friendly universe.

The art of Allowing things to happen is a skill that can be developed. It helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details.

We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. That is essentially what the art of surrender or the art of allowing is all about. To make the choice of ease rather than resistance. To allow our thoughts to be dominated by peace, allowing and surrender rather than resistance. Allowing this to become a habit, will assist you in giving up control

I’m Drew Lesser. If you have enjoyed this video please give it a thumbs up and share it with others who you feel may really benefit from it.

I look forward to sharing more incredible techniques with you next time on the Science of Happiness.

Drew Lesser

Find out more: http://www.drewlesser.com