Does an affair mean the end of your marriage?

When you find out your partner has had an affair, it can feel like the end of the relationship. You’re likely to be shocked, angry and hurt. All your family and friends will naturally take your side against your partner and tell you to leave, because they want to protect you from someone who has hurt you.

But what if you still love them and can’t imagine being with anyone else? What if you have children and a house and joint assets together? What will you be leaving behind if you walk away? You might feel ashamed, embarrassed or even stupid to consider staying with a person who has betrayed you in such a terrible way, but does an affair really have to be the end?

What causes affairs?

To be honest, before I started training and working as a infidelity therapist, I would have said an affair is absolutely the end and there’s no coming back from one. But these days, I know it can be more complicated.

Often times there’s something much deeper and more pervasive running through the relationship – and the affair is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself. Even if you do leave, one risk is that you may end up repeating the same relational patterns with someone else and find yourself in the same situation again.

Sometimes an affair can serve as a wake up call and an opportunity to look at what’s been going wrong. If a couple have been avoiding talking about issues or been drifting apart over time it can force them to re-evaluate the relationship and any problems with it.

Maybe there were arguments that created a sense of disconnection and lack of intimacy. Maybe the couple had become too busy with the kids or work to pay proper attention to each other. Maybe the things had just became monotonous and routine.

Whatever the reason, something wasn’t working prior to the affair. So yes, the relationship as you knew it had to end – but that doesn’t necessarily mean leaving your partner. It can mean leaving behind what wasn’t working and accepting the possibility of creating something new and better.

What next?

I believe that, with the right support, it is possible make it past an affair. In my own work with couples, I’ve seen people begin to heal and recover – and find ways to really grow and learn together.

It will take some hard work and commitment from both members of the couple to really look at what’s been going wrong, but the pain caused and suffered by an affair – on both sides usually – is a huge motivation to never get back to this place again.

The first thing to do is seek help. Search for your nearest affair recovery specialist and book an appointment.