Constriction

Inhibiting thoughts, feelings, and activities that are associated with the traumatic event are signs of constriction. Some traumatized individuals describe feeling numb, show no interest in normal activities, and are detached from other people.

Many betrayed individuals vacillate between intrusive thoughts and excessive emotionality on the one hand and constrictive symptoms of avoidance and withdrawal on the other. Although constriction is more prevalent during the early period of suspicion, when the cues that something is wrong are denied, it can definitely occur after the infidelity has been exposed.

Exhaustion caused by preoccupation with the betrayal can lead to a state of not wanting to think about it, hear about it, or talk about it. After all the high drama, emotional constriction sounds like a relief: not to feel anything, not to care. But this is usually a temporary state.

I tell people, “First you get numb, and then you bleed.”

When Adam learned about Amy’s two-year affair with another man, he reacted with almost no perceptible emotion. He was inexplicably calm and uninterested. He didn’t want to hear anything about it; he didn’t want to confront the evidence that his wife had had other sexual liaisons, including one on the Internet. In addition to avoiding direct knowledge of the infidelity, Adam exhibited another sign of constriction by gradually pulling away from other people in his life. He stopped playing golf with his buddies, withdrew from his children, and made excuses not to socialize with people he used to enjoy. Even those who didn’t know him very well noticed that he seemed out of it. He didn’t laugh much or express enthusiasm for the things that once gave him pleasure. He was an empty shell, like a war refugee.

Betrayed spouses who appear inexplicably calm after disclosure, who express no feelings, ask no questions, and display almost no emotion are probably numb. This may be a protective coping strategy for events that are too intense or painful to bear, but recovery from infidelity depends on the active involvement of the betrayed partner. During the recovery process, the emotionally constricted betrayed partner gradually thaws out and heats up as the details of the betrayal are integrated into a new reality. This process of emotional integration hurts in the same way that frozen hands ache unbearably as they warm.

Numbing is an adaptive mechanism to survive unbearable pain. Knowing that it usually doesn’t last is reassuring. The antidote to numbing is allowing yourself to feel and to verbalize your feelings because feeling the feelings is the first step in trauma recovery. Accepting your partner’s feelings is another necessary step for the relationship to flourish. It’s not hard to understand why the involved partner may be reluctant to hasten this warming process. However, attempting to freeze the betrayed partner’s feelings will shortcut the natural and painful process of healing.

Through individual and couple’s counseling, Adam and Amy came to understand why he shut down at first and why it was important for him to start revving up again. At first, he even objected to the word “trauma” and denied that his wife’s sexual relationship with another man was really so painful. But as he reclaimed his feelings and acknowledged his hurt, he began to understand why he needed to be more involved in what had happened. He began to ask more questions about who his wife was and why she was unfaithful. Both he and Amy agreed that he needed to stop hiding his head in the sand for their marriage to survive.

The wife of a sex addict became physically ill and refused to listen when her husband started to discuss his actions. His recovery from his addiction was impaired until she was able to accompany him on his journey toward inhibiting his impulses. They became closer than ever, and he was successful in remaining abstinent from promiscuous sex.