Negative Emotions

Negative Emotion #1: Jealousy

This ugly green monster is real trouble. It is also perfectly natural, which is one of the things that makes it so hard to deal with and so hard to overcome. When you are faced with the reality that the person you love most in the world has been spending time and showing affection to another, you are bound to feel jealous: jealous over the affection not shown to you, jealous of the time they spent together, even jealous of the idea that the other person might be a better lover than you. There is a vast literature in western civilization that shows jealousy to be a monstrous and unhelpful emotion, particularly if you get so tangled in its web that it compels you to action against your better judgment. If you see this green monster rear its ugly head, keep the following things in mind:

1. Do not act rashly on your jealous feelings.

Like any other emotion, jealousy can be hurtful or helpful, depending on how it is felt and expressed. In small doses, for example, it can serve as a motivation to make yourself more attractive to your partner, be more attentive to their needs, or be more forthright with your feelings. However, if you allow yourself to become consumed by jealousy and allow your actions to be motivated solely by this monster you are in for big trouble. This is a surefire way to create more pain for yourself and cause more damage to your relationship. People can do some really extreme things when they are driven by jealousy. These extremes are almost always unhealthy. Don’t let this happen to you. If you feel the desire to act on your jealousy, take a moment to step back and think about what you are planning to do. You know, even when you take a medication that is supposed to be good for you, there are potential side effects. So consider the potential side effects of your planned actions. If the probable benefit outweighs the possible side effects, it could be the right action to take. However, if you take a good, hard, honest look at what your jealousy is asking you to do and you see that the risks are high, perhaps you should refrain from acting at this time and look for an alternative way to handle your feelings.

2. Talk to someone about it.

This is actually a piece of advice that you should act on any time you feel overwhelmed by your emotions. Take advantage of the resources you have. You probably have people around you who love you, want to help you, and will lend an ear. Talk to them rather than letting your feelings of jealousy consume you. However, you should be careful who you talk to. Make sure that the person you are thinking of sharing your troubles with will positively support you and your efforts to rebuild your relationship. Many well-meaning friends may not support you in ways that will assist you in your healing process. Excessive negativity can leave you feeling even more frustrated and upset than when you started the conversation. [box] If you are considering talking to someone that you are pretty sure will tell you to “leave the bastard,” you are probably better off not talking with them[/box] One major risk of talking to a loved one is that they could be angry at your partner well after you have forgiven him or her, and they could refuse to let them back into your family or your circle of friends, even if you do mend your relationship. You should talk to your loved ones if that is your choice, but think it through before you do it. If it looks like they are going to be negative about what you have to say, consider other alternatives. You might think about talking with a clergy person or a counselor or even calling your local hotline, where you can talk with someone and remain completely anonymous.

3. Journal.

One thing you can do as a distraction technique, if you feel yourself filling up with jealousy, is journal. Journaling is one of the best practices you should begin every night. Journalling will help you release the obsessive thoughts, and allow you to get a much better night sleep.

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Negative Emotion #2: Uncertainty

The truth is that at this early stage you can’t be quite sure how things will work out. That much is true. But then, could you ever be truly certain? Life is uncertain. It can change dramatically in the course of a single evening. Unfortunately, you have learned this the hard way. The uncertainty that’s inherent in this life can be overwhelming at times and even scary for some. However, there are ways you can handle those emotions and move forward in a positive way. You are going to face uncertain times, but that doesn’t mean that you will never have a feeling of stability again. It can and will come back. Even the passage of time will help because time does heal many hurts and typically returns you to where things were. If you follow my 7-Step Infidelity Recovery program and move forward step-by-step, you will regain your footing and find a solid ground again. In the meantime, if you are getting wrapped up in overwhelming feelings of uncertainty, I recommend the following exercises:

• Remember all the things in your life that are certain. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, there are things in your life that are certain: the sun will rise tomorrow; you will have air to breath. And there are those things that are almost certain: you will eat another meal; you will sleep in a bed. Take out your journal, and make a list of all the things in your life that are certain. When you feel uncertain, open it up and read the list. Meditate on it.

• Think about the interesting journey life takes you on. It may sound trite to say so right now, in the face of what has happened to you, but life is an amazing ride. Think about where you were ten or twenty years ago. Did you ever think life would lead you down the path you have followed? This uncertainty is in some way a beautiful thing. After all, if most of your life is not truly certain, then perhaps your worries that you can never get past this painful time aren’t certain either.

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Negative Emotion #3: Shame

Many people feel deeply ashamed when they are injured by an affair. They might get attached to the idea that it happened because they weren’t a good enough partner or they worry that someone else will find out about the affair and they will be humiliated. When these two concerns are taken together, you might feel ashamed because you are worried that everyone will think you weren’t a good enough partner. If there is one thing I can’t reiterate enough it is that this is not your fault. The cheater is responsible for the affair. You didn’t choose to have this happen, and it isn’t your fault that it did. You probably handled some things imperfectly in your relationship, but everyone does – that does not give your partner the right to violate your trust. Affairs are a taboo in this society, but they happen all the time. We don’t talk about them because they are so inappropriate that they seem wrong to talk about. As such, a lot of shame comes up around the idea of someone else finding out about the affair. But with the statistics as they are, even if someone does find out that you were injured by an affair, it is more likely that they will empathize with you than condemn you. Nonetheless, if you get bogged down in the shame trap, you might try carrying a note with you. I often recommend that clients keep notes or note cards in their wallet or purse. Here are some examples of what you could write on your notes:

• It (the affair) wasn’t my fault.
• I’m going to get through this. (You might add the word “too” at the end of this sentence, if it applies here.)
• He (or she) did this (the affair) without my permission, encouragement, consent, or knowledge.
• Just because he (or she) acted like a dishonest creep doesn’t mean I have to lower myself to his (or her) standards.
• I am a good person worthy of being treated well.

When you feel yourself getting sucked into a spiral of shame, pull out the card and read it to yourself. This can help you remember the fact that the affair was not your fault, that you are a good person, and that you have no reason to feel ashamed about the affair.

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Negative Emotion #4: Loss of Hope

In some way this is the worst of the four roadblocks. If hopelessness really sets in, you can’t get anywhere. There is always hope if you and your partner are mutually dedicated to rebuilding your relationship. It takes two people working together to make a successful relationship – it takes only one to tear it apart. You can have a wonderful, trusting, loving, needs-fulfilled relationship with your partner again. If you had a loving, passion-filled relationship, you can get it back.

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Hypnosis