Monogamy
Questions about Monogamy
Jul
- Is monogamy a myth?
- Is monogamy out-dated?
- Is monogamy an unrealistic goal for most marriages?
- Is there a hypocrisy when people talk about affairs?
- How is society as a whole being affected by affairs?
- What are we as a society really doing about monogamy?
Is monogamy a myth?
No, monogamy itself is NOT a myth.
But there are many beliefs about monogamy that are myths.
I call this “set of beliefs” The Monogamy Myth.
Below are some of these myths about monogamy:
MYTH: Most people are monogamous.
Due to a strong intention/desire for monogamy, there is a general belief that “most people are monogamous.” Despite the media attention to celebrity affairs, this is still a very hidden/taboo subject with a lot of secrecy when it comes to disclosure by “real people.” So it’s almost impossible to get reliable statistics on just how many people have affairs. Also, the various studies are so totally contradictory as to be unreliable. I’m convinced that the numbers (whatever they are) are much higher than most people think. People are very resistant to acknowledging the prevalence of affairs – because they desperately want to believe that “most people are monogamous.” This way of thinking only provides a “false” sense of security. But we can’t begin to address the problem until we more accurately define it.
One of the most damaging effects of believing that most marriages are monogamous is that if an affair happens, it’s seen strictly as a personal failure of you, your spouse, and your marriage. This belief (myth) is particularly damaging because it leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation. (Understanding the prevalence of affairs does not excuse those who have affairs; it just helps relieve the sense of shame and inadequacy felt by their mates.) Since they keep their experience hidden, they seldom get enough perspective to completely recover from these feelings, regardless of whether they stay married or get a divorce. Surviving this experience if it has happened (or avoiding it if it hasn’t) is best accomplished by dealing with reality, not holding on to a myth.
MYTH: Society as a whole “supports” monogamy.
While we as a society give “lip service” to monogamy, we contribute to some significant societal factors that actually support and encourage affairs. This is not to say that all the blame should be placed on society. That would be just as shortsighted as blaming only the particular people involved. But if we’re to understand and more effectively deal with this issue, it’s essential that we look at the social context within which affairs take place.
Here are some of the SOCIETAL FACTORS that contribute to affairs:
–the overall fascination with affairs (and the titillation that goes with it)
–the glorification of affairs in movies, TV, romance novels, etc.
–our sex-saturated culture that uses sex to sell almost everything
–a “code of secrecy” that protects those having affairs from dealing with the consequences
–the lack of honest discussions of sex by parents when raising their children.
(Since children recognize they can’t talk to their parents about sex, they learn that “sex and secrecy” go hand in hand. So they learn to lie to their parents when they become teenagers, and they use this same learned pattern of deception in marriage when it comes to affairs.)
MYTH: You can just “assume” monogamy when you get married.
Unfortunately, there is a magical belief that just taking the vows guarantees monogamy for the duration of the marriage. Also, the belief that society as a whole is supportive of monogamy (and of people’s efforts to remain monogamous) leads people to expect to have a monogamous marriage. This false sense of security serves to prevent couples from doing the kind of talking on an ongoing basis that is essential in order for monogamy to be a reality for a lifetime. Preventing affairs is not like having a one-time inoculation – or even getting occasional booster shots. It’s more like taking a pill every day for the rest of your life.
Is monogamy out-dated?
No, monogamy is not outdated; the problem is that we no longer have real support for monogamy in our society. Monogamy is still something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn’t prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. What’s needed is more understanding about what’s involved in preventing affairs and much more responsible honesty (both between couples and in the larger society) that allows people to sustain their initial intention to be monogamous.
A strange (sad) footnote: It’s possible that there will be more monogamy in the future (even without better educating the public about the reality of affairs) – only due to the fact that marriages are lasting a shorter and shorter time period and people may be better able to maintain monogamy for those shorter periods.
Is monogamy an unrealistic goal for most marriages?
Under the current system of simply “assuming” monogamy, it’s an unrealistic goal for most marriages. But it’s possible for any marriage to be monogamous IF they recognize the need to deliberately work together to continuously reinforce their commitment through honest discussions about everything – including their attractions to others (which are natural and inevitable) and more importantly, how they will deal with those attractions or temptations. (People tend to think it’s too risky to discuss such things, but the greater risk is in NOT discussing them, which leaves the fantasies to grow without any offsetting focus on the potential consequences of acting on them.) And, of course, in order to make monogamy a realistic goal, a couple needs to be informed about the myths (mentioned above) that can undermine their intention and desire to remain monogamous.
Is there a hypocrisy when people talk about affairs?
In other words, people say how horrible it is, yet may also be having affairs.
Yes, there is a hypocrisy, but even those being hypocritical don’t always recognize it. Since most genuinely “believe in” monogamy, even those who have had affairs may talk disparagingly about others similarly engaged. That’s because almost everyone involved in affairs uses a great deal of denial and rationalization in understanding/explaining their OWN situation. There is also a great hypocrisy among those who have NOT been the ones having affairs. They say affairs are horrible, but inadvertently support affairs through their participation in all of the “societal factors” that I wrote about in response to the first question.
NOTE: Even the most pure, religious, “good” people (who might say they don’t contribute to any of the “societal factors” mentioned above) have inevitably made a huge contribution to undermining monogamy by virtue of their failure as parents to talk openly and honestly with their children about sex as they were growing up. Due to this lack, kids learn that “sex and secrecy” go hand-in-hand. They learn to be deceptive and to hide their sexual activities from their parents. Then as adults, when they’re married and tempted to have affairs, they simply continue the pattern of deception learned while growing up. They act on their desires and pretend to their spouse (just as they did to their parents) that they’re not. So no one is exempt from the responsibility for contributing to affairs.
How is society as a whole being affected by affairs?
Frankly, as a society we are “sick” when it comes to affairs; we’re positively schizophrenic. We condemn affairs on the one hand – while at the same time relishing every fascinating tidbit of the latest scandal or piece of gossip around the office or the neighborhood. While we condemn any “real person” who has an affair, we devour all the movies about affairs, often “rooting for” the one having an affair (especially when it’s a woman like in “Bridges of Madison County”).
Affairs are often seen as entertainment or fodder for gossip – until it happens to you! When it becomes real, it’s a very different matter. And if it doesn’t happen to you, it will certainly happen to someone close to you. The fact is that no one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about. Affairs happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life. Frankly, the prevalence of affairs and the pain caused by affairs affects everyone in some way, so it’s time to think more seriously about the role we all play in society’s adolescent way of dealing with affairs.
What are we as a society really doing about monogamy?
—On a societal basis, we’re giving a lot of lip service to monogamy, but we’re undermining it at every turn. (See the “societal factors” included in my response to the first question above.) But we’re doing virtually nothing positive to reinforce monogamy.
—On a couple basis, the primary way most couples approach monogamy is to “assume” it when they marry and take the vows. They do virtually nothing positive to sustain their commitment to monogamy.
—On an individual basis throughout society, the traditional approach (unless it touches us personally) is dealing with it by simply ignoring it, denying it, or condemning it. Unfortunately, this does nothing either to help deter affairs or to deal with their consequences. If we’re to be the kind of caring, compassionate society of people that we aspire to be, we can’t turn our backs on the countless people who are suffering alone.
Bottom line:
It’s everybody’s business to understand more about monogamy and affairs – and to take steps to avoid contributing to the “societal factors” that undermine monogamy. We need to make a commitment to face the reality of affairs and address the issue in a more responsible way, both individually and as a society.
By Peggy Vaughan
Copyright by Peggy Vaughan.
