Marriage, Painful Emotions
General Causes of Loneliness in Marriage
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Everyone needs a companion to interact with physically, socially, emotionally, and mentally. When you are single and happy, our society will say, “get married, and you will have a lifetime companion to share your success, joy, secrets, pains, and failures with.” But what if that companion suddenly becomes emotionally detached from you? That is why there are more unhappily married couples than happily married couples
There are times in our marriages when we feel lonely and unable to relate with our partners even while still living in the same apartment. According to the 2018 Pew Research Center Survey, over 28% of people confessed that they felt lonely and dissatisfied in their marriage. According to another study, there is a gender difference in loneliness among married people, with women experiencing it more than men.
How would you know if you are in a lonely marriage? Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a Certified Psychologist, says: “You can have a body right next to you, but if you feel that your deepest fears, thoughts, and needs are unseen, unheard, or unwanted by your partner, you’ll feel lonely.”
What causes loneliness in marriage?
Every marriage is unique. So if you and your partner feel lonely, you have to look for the cause of such feelings within the context of your marriage. When did you start feeling lonely? No one clearly walks into a lonely marriage, and most couples testified that during courtship, they enjoyed each other’s company. But few years into the marriage, they started feeling lonely. When you have been able to figure out when you started feeling lonely, the next thing to do is to identify the different changes that have occurred in your marriage that might have contributed to it. Stress, anxiety, health challenges, mental illness, loss of a loved one, etc., can make you develop lonely sensations.
It could also be a new job, the birth of a child, the change in lifestyle, living separately, or it could just be that the two of you have grown apart even while still living together. If you feel your spouse is the cause, it is possible that your spouse feels so about you too. Maybe, both of you have been so focused on other obligations that you aren’t making room for each other. Before concluding that you are being neglected, examine your attitudes and be willing to engage with your partner, rather than expecting them to make the first move.
Other causes of loneliness in marriage are:
Social media
Social media was designed to help people connect with one another but when abused, it could be the cause of loneliness in some marriages. For example, if a married man gives all his attention to social media, the other spouse would definitely feel lonely. Also, when you compare your relationship with what you see on social media, you would likely feel that your spouse isn’t doing much for you, and that feeling results in loneliness.
A 2017 study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that people who were spending more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to feel lonely than those who spent half an hour on those sites.
Work and distance:
When a spouse is not always physically present due to distance or work engagements, their spouses become lonely, especially when they have to stay alone at home all day. Such situation is not healthy. You might say technology has created different media that aid communication, but those media can’t completely replace the emotions felt during a face to face communication.
Lack of emotional intimacy:
Unlike men, women long for emotional intimacy more. They feel lonely when their spouse is not emotionally responsive. Understanding your partner’s emotional needs helps you in connecting with them appropriately. But some spouses choose to hide their emotions, thereby making it difficult for their partner to understand them. This usually happens when a partner isn’t completely in love with their spouse.
Abuse:
Emotional or domestic abuse makes the victim withdraw from the abusive spouse and when they don’t find someone to confide in, depression and loneliness set in.
Lack of physical intimacy:
The first few months after a wedding is usually filled with sexual exploration. Over time, the frequency of lovemaking drops. There are different reasons for this drop, but the primary reason is that; for some couples, they get used to their sexual routine and find nothing new and exciting about it.
Sex has a way of bonding two hearts together both physically and spiritually, so when one partner starts keeping away from sex, an unhealthy lonely void is created between them. You live as a couple, yet, when you think about it, you feel alone.
Effects of Loneliness in Marriage
It leads to Infidelity:
One thing about loneliness in marriage is; the lonely spouse might develop bitterness towards their partner. Then they might start looking for friendship and companionship in others. This creates an opportunity for infidelity as the friendship might cross over into an intimate emotional affair. You are supposed to be your partner’s best friend. Yes! Don’t let someone else take that position in your partner’s life.
Turns you into a workaholic:
Loneliness can make a person resort to being a workaholic. This is most common in men. A considerable percentage of workaholics wished they could ease off a little and have some fun. Most lonely wives turn out to be good mothers as they divert their attention to their children. They get companionship and love from their children.
Mental health disorders:
Loneliness is deadly and can lead to:
- · Depression
- · Anxiety
- · Low self-esteem
- · Suicide
- · Alcoholism and drug abuse
How to Overcome Loneliness in Marriage
If you are experiencing loneliness, then you must act fast before it destroys your marriage.
Change your mindset:
Marriage does not prevent loneliness. So don’t panic because there is nothing wrong with your marriage. Solitude is an integral part of the human condition. Marriage is a place where two human beings share this feeling of loneliness and, in this sharing, sometimes manage to curb it. Even though you love each other deeply, you will still go through seasons when you feel very much alone. In failing to realize this, you would feel your partner has not done the right thing to fill your inner void.
Identify your needs:
Take a journal and write down the things that you want your spouse to do for you. For example, you could say:
· Please spend more time with me.
· I want us to talk more often.
· I want you to always ask me how I am doing.
· I want you to tell me all your thoughts, dreams, and aspiration.
· I want us to be best friends, not just couples.
Whatever you need, write it down and if your partner isn’t able to give it to you, make a provision to get it yourself.
Communicate with your spouse:
Most lonely people die in silence instead of telling their spouses how they feel. If you wish to maintain a functional and strong marriage, then good communication is the key. Find the perfect time to talk to your spouse. Let them know what they are doing that is responsible for your lonely feelings. Sometimes, they might not even be aware that their actions are affecting you negatively.
During the conversation, don’t sound confrontation or blame them outrightly. Choose your words carefully. For example, you might say,
“I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. It seems like even when we’re together, we don’t really connect or talk about meaningful things anymore.”
Or,
“I miss spending time with you. It’s so hard to do anything fun together when our work schedules are so different.”
After you’ve said your piece, listen to what your spouse has to say. They likely have their own thoughts and suggestions about what might be contributing to the feelings you’re both experiencing.
Get closer to your partner:
If you feel your partner isn’t giving you enough attention, you can politely request that from them. Don’t give up on the situation; instead, revive the romance you once had during courtship. Even if you aren’t naturally affectionate, make an effort to spend quality time with your partner. Researchers have shown that being physically closer will lead to feeling emotionally closer.
Forgive past hurts:
Sometimes the reason why a couple stops connecting emotionally is because of past hurts and offenses. If you feel you have been hurt, address the issue with your partner and be willing to forgive . Also, if you have caused your partner pain, you should always be ready to apologize.
Love yourself and enjoy your company:
Do you love who you are? Can you be alone with yourself for a few hours and not feel lonely, bored, or even crazy? If you can’t be alone happily, you’ll always struggle with loneliness in your relationships. Your companionship and connection have to come from within because people can’t meet your spiritual or emotional yearnings. It’s impossible.
Self-love is one of the solutions to loneliness. You should love and make yourself your best companion. In life, there would be times that we would have to be without anyone, not even our partners. To avoid feeling lonely during such moments, you must rediscover the autonomy and joys of being self-sufficient. Discover what you like, what calms you down, and what gives you pleasure. The presence of your partner should only be an additional pleasure.
Focus on your career and hobby:
Get busy with work, socialize with colleagues and attend business meetings. Work hard but don’t turn into a workaholic. Many people get caught up in marital life and forget their hobbies. This is the best time to go back to them. Be it dancing, singing, swimming, writing, speaking, acting, or anything.
Consult a marriage counselor:
If you still feel disconnected from your spouse despite what he/she does for you, then you might need to go for marriage counseling. Do not wait until your relationship with your spouse gets sour before seeking help. A counselor can help in guiding you on strategies for reigniting your intimacy with your spouse.
Amy Waterman is a certified marriage counselor that has helped thousands of couples save their marriage from divorce. I can assure you that her courses are 100% efficient. Check them out by clicking the link below:
Sources:
- https://www.momjunction.com/articles/devastating-causes-of-loneliness-in-marriage-and-ways-to-deal-with-it_00415661/
- https://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/5-ways-to-overcome-loneliness-in-your-marriage.html
- https://time.com/5548386/feeling-lonely-in-relationship/
- https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Loneliness-in-Marriage
