Nobody Tells You What Betrayal Does to Your Head

Kenneth Hisle is an independent author who has lived through relationship betrayal himself. In this Reader’s Story he writes, raw and unfiltered, about what discovery does to your head: the replaying, the distrust that spreads to everyone, the anger that covers the hurt, and why “just move on” never works the way people say it should.

You know, there’s something nobody really tells you about being betrayed by somebody you love. Everybody’s got advice. Move on. Forget about it. You’ll find somebody better. Time heals everything. Yeah, well, that’s easy to say when you’re not the one going through it. When your whole damn life gets turned upside down, the last thing you want to hear is somebody telling you to move on. Hell, half the time you don’t even know what you’re supposed to do next.

And that’s the thing about betrayal. It’s not just about losing somebody you love. It’s about losing trust in somebody you never thought you’d have to question in the first place. It screws with your head. It makes you question things you never questioned before, and sometimes it makes you question yourself. I know because I’ve been through it, and I can tell you there’s a hell of a lot more to it than just getting your heart broken.

Your Mind Won’t Shut the Hell Up

One of the worst things about betrayal is what happens inside your head afterward. You start thinking about everything. Every conversation, every excuse, every time something seemed a little strange but you didn’t think much of it. Then suddenly you’re remembering something from six months ago and thinking, wait a damn minute. Was that a lie, too? You start wondering how long things were going on, what else you didn’t know, and whether anything you believed was actually true.

Then you start questioning yourself. How the hell did I not see this? Was I really that stupid? Were the signs right in front of me the whole time? Believe me, you can drive yourself absolutely crazy doing that shit. I did. I thought if I could just figure everything out, maybe I’d feel better. Maybe if I knew exactly what happened and why, I’d finally be able to put it behind me. But here’s what I learned. Sometimes you’re never going to get all the answers, and sometimes the answers you do get just piss you off even more.

You can spend months trying to put together a puzzle when half the damn pieces are missing. At some point, you’ve got to decide whether you’re going to keep driving yourself crazy over things you might never know. And that’s not easy. Not even close.

Now You Don’t Trust a Damn Soul

Here’s something I never really thought about until it happened to me. When somebody you love betrays you, it doesn’t necessarily stop with that person. It starts affecting how you look at everybody. Somebody doesn’t answer their phone, and suddenly you’re wondering what they’re doing. Somebody tells you something that doesn’t quite make sense, and now you’re sitting there trying to figure out whether they’re lying. And the crazy part is, they might not have done a damn thing wrong. You’re just so used to being lied to that your mind starts expecting it.

I’ve done it. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t. And the worst part is realizing you’re questioning somebody who hasn’t given you a single reason not to trust them. That’s when you’ve got to start looking at yourself, because just because one person screwed you over doesn’t mean everybody else is going to. I know that sounds pretty damn obvious, but knowing something and actually getting your head to believe it are two completely different things. You can’t keep making everybody else pay for what somebody did to you. That’s not fair to them, and it sure as hell isn’t fair to yourself.

Sometimes Being Pissed Off Is Easier

Now here’s something I learned about myself. Sometimes it’s a whole hell of a lot easier to be pissed off than it is to admit you’re hurting. Think about it. When you’re mad, you’ve got somebody to blame. You’ve got a reason to be upset. You can sit there and tell yourself you don’t give a shit anymore. Screw them. I’m done. I don’t need them anyway. And for a little while, you might actually believe it.

But then the anger wears off, and there you are, sitting there with the same pain you were trying not to feel in the first place. And that shit sucks. I’ve been angry. I’ve been so pissed off I couldn’t think straight, and sometimes I had every reason to be. But I also started realizing something. The person you’re mad at might be out having a perfectly good day. They’re going to work, spending time with friends, laughing, doing whatever the hell they want. Meanwhile, you’re sitting at home still pissed off about something that happened months ago. They’re living their life, and you’re still letting what happened run yours.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry. Hell, sometimes you’ve got every right to be. But at what point does that anger stop hurting them and start hurting you? That’s something I had to ask myself, because eventually you get tired of being pissed off all the damn time. You get tired of thinking about it, tired of talking about it, and tired of letting it ruin a perfectly good day. You start realizing that maybe it’s time to do something different. Not for them, but for you.

Let’s Be Honest. You Weren’t Perfect Either.

Now here’s something that might piss a few people off. Just because somebody betrayed you doesn’t mean you were some perfect little angel. I sure as hell wasn’t. I’ve screwed up plenty of times in my life. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said, handled situations like an asshole, and made decisions that, looking back, were pretty damn stupid. I’m not proud of all of it, but I’m not going to lie about it either.

I think that’s something people need to understand. You can be hurt by somebody and still admit you weren’t perfect yourself. Those two things can both be true. But here’s where I draw the line. Just because you made mistakes doesn’t mean you deserved to be betrayed. You can take responsibility for your own bullshit without taking responsibility for somebody else’s, and there’s a big difference.

Sometimes people get so caught up in being the one who got hurt that they forget to look at themselves. Other times, people blame themselves for everything, even things they had absolutely no control over. Neither one makes much sense. You’ve got to be willing to admit where you screwed up, learn something from it, and try not to make the same mistakes again. Because if you walk away from everything thinking you did absolutely nothing wrong, you’re probably not learning a whole hell of a lot. And if you walk away thinking everything was your fault, you’re just beating yourself up for no damn reason.

Moving On Isn’t That Simple

People love telling you to move on, like it’s some kind of switch you can flip. Well, shit. If somebody figures out where that switch is, let me know, because I sure as hell haven’t found it. Some days you’re doing great. You’re laughing, enjoying yourself, making plans, and actually starting to feel like life might be getting better. Then something happens. A song comes on, you drive past somewhere you used to go, or somebody says something that reminds you of the past. Just like that, your mind goes right back to everything you were trying to forget.

I’ve had days where I thought I was doing pretty damn good, only to have something completely stupid bring everything back. Sometimes you don’t even know why it bothers you. It just does. But here’s what I’ve started to figure out. Just because something still hurts doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. You’re going to have bad days. Hell, I still have them. But you can’t let every bad day convince you that you’re right back where you started.

For me, keeping myself busy has helped. Going to work, spending time with people I care about, working on different projects, writing, and trying to build something for myself. Does it fix everything? Hell no. But it gives me something to think about besides everything that went wrong. Slowly, you start noticing things. Maybe you went a whole afternoon without thinking about it. Maybe you actually enjoyed yourself without feeling guilty. Maybe you’re starting to look forward to something again. Those might not sound like big accomplishments to somebody who’s never been through it, but when you’ve spent months feeling like your whole life is falling apart, they’re pretty damn important.

You’ve Still Got a Life to Live

Here’s the thing. You can spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why somebody hurt you. You can sit there asking the same questions over and over, replay every conversation, and keep wondering what you could’ve done differently. Believe me, I understand. I’ve done plenty of that shit myself. But eventually you’ve got to realize something. Your life didn’t end because somebody betrayed you.

I know sometimes it feels like it did. There were times when I honestly didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do next. Everything I thought my life was going to be had changed, and I was left trying to figure out where to go from there. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve got everything figured out now, because I don’t. I’m in my forties, and there are still days when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m still trying to figure out what I want out of life. I’m still making mistakes, still learning things about myself, and still trying to build something better.

Some days I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. Other days, I feel like I’m just trying to survive another damn day. But you know what? I’m still trying, and that’s really the point. You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be happy. You don’t have to forgive somebody just because everybody thinks you should. But you do have to eventually decide what you’re going to do with the life you’ve got left.

Whether you like it or not, time keeps moving. You can either spend that time looking backward at everything that went wrong, or you can start figuring out what you want your future to look like. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not even saying I’m particularly good at it yet. But I’m trying, and if you’ve been through something like this, I hope you keep trying, too.

Because you’ve already lost enough to what happened. Don’t let it take the rest of your life.

---

About the Author

Kenneth Hisle is an independent author who writes about betrayal, broken trust, relationships, and trying to figure out how to move forward when life goes completely sideways. After going through some pretty difficult experiences himself, he decided to put what he’d learned into a book. Not because he’s an expert or has all the answers, but because he knows what it’s like to be the person desperately looking for them.

His book, What It Leaves Behind: Betrayal, Broken Trust, and Finding Your Way Forward, is available on Amazon.

As an Amazon Associate, the Infidelity Recovery Institute earns from qualifying purchases.