For I never felt love, until he held me

Reader Stories

By Guest Blogger: Michael Danes  

From experience when you’re young, and you endure a great deal of loss and change one of two things happen, you either deal with feelings of apathy or amorousness. Whether this loss or change is as big as we make it to be or not; we will experience these feelings and we will adapt to cope with them internally; our minds will try to make sense of what our hearts are feeling.

I chose apathy for a long time. I shut-down losing all interest in love, connection, and simply just good vibes. But, in the crossroads of my life, I did what I’m sure most people do these days, I went online. I went there out of curiosity and for a secret escape.

WOW! I felt like such a fool not knowing what to look for, or even understanding what I was doing online. Most of my findings were repugnant. However, I gave my online searches time. And eventually, I found something that allowed me to be honest with myself and gave others a more forthright view of me. Thereafter, I really started making my escape. I began to feel comfortable, but I was still closeted and super nervous. So, I was very excited when I would get a message, thinking that “someone is interested in me, YEAH!” Soon I made a really great friend. Things began to change. I was lucky to find such an amazing friend, who taught me so much about life and myself. His name is Mark.

In our time spent here, people come and go; some are family, some are friends and a few are lovers. At this point in time, I can recall almost all the people in my life who’ve come and gone. The saying goes, “you meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime” which I truly agree with. All the genres of experiences you go through while having relationships allow you to learn about yourself and you begin to understand love. There’s always a label on generations about how different things are and how it was then; but the fact still remains, we all need family, we all need friends and we all want to feel worthy of someone’s love on an intimate level.

Like me, those of you reading this might have experienced many different forms of love with passing individuals, you maybe even have thought that they were truly in love with you and nothing would ever change that. I can recall a few one night stands that were only lust, I can recall a few short-term relationships that felt great, and I’ll always remember the first time I thought I was in love and felt loved. I can go into detail about how I was young and tried vulnerability with the girl whom I once would lay down with every night for many years, or I could even go into detail of the nights I would lay with strangers or friends just thankful that I wasn’t sleeping alone. However, those moments don’t carry any weight.

Going into adult hood, I was super lost. I struggled to sleep at night constantly in a panic when I closed my eyes. At that time, I was in a relationship that started in my early teens. But it was a relationship with a lot of hidden secrets, maybe even resentment at times because we were so young and I never really ventured within myself.

Before Mark, I thought I had felt everything that I was ever going to feel and I was no longer emotionally interested; because I wouldn’t feel anything new. Mark changed that, he saved my life. He allowed me to forgive myself and accept the change I was trying to make in my own life; he showed me how to forget my past and the time I had spent on regrets. Mark and I talked every day, we would even meet up and just enjoy each other’s company. It was such a fantasy because it was really happening on my phone, in my mind and where ever I happened to be in the world at that time; but to everyone back home it wasn’t happening. I was just on one of my adventures, me living my life to the fullest.

The problem with this situation was that I was becoming happy, I was becoming free; but I was not being honest. I began to love the life I was living, the person I was becoming and how I felt in my own skin. However, reality can be painful and truthfully rattling. I didn’t want to love nor did I want to be with this amazing man who was opening my mind to all the possibilities of life, and showing me the amazing life I would have once I just let it go; if I had to hide him.

After our time together was over, going back to my life without him; it only took a matter of days before regret set in with each passing moment. After being away from Mark, someone who I connected with on a much deeper level than anyone I ever met before. Mark showed me something that I was missing: emotions, feelings, vulnerability and truth. He became a person who just grooved my soul and made me feel like a real person for a moment in my life and I was tired of it being only for a moment. I felt so lost without him near me.

For the first time, I think, in my whole life I thought about someone throughout the day. This was huge and definitely something I needed to fix. He knew I was shy and he was okay with me being so. He accepted my attempt at growth and his acceptance began to really pick at my brain and made me question myself; like no one else ever had. In just weeks, I could feel myself slowly letting go and the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying away from him. I didn’t want to hurt my family by leaving and I didn’t want to destroy what I had with Mark. I wanted to just sneak out the backdoor and run, just run all the way back to the man who leveled me.

From my time spent with Mark, I have come to realize how powerful love is and the effect it can have on you, my life is organically different; for I never felt love, until he held me.

By Guest Blogger: Michael Danes  
Read original post here