How long does it take to recover from infidelity? One month? Three months? One year? Three years? The standard industry answer is that it takes around 18 months to recover from an affair. Noticed that I said it’s the industry answer meaning that the assumption is you are working on your affair recovery. If the affair is ignored, and the couple attempts to “just get on with it” the betrayed partner may never recover. Still, the question of how long it takes to recover is a little more complex and we will discuss what other factors can be drawn upon to determine the affair recovery timeline.
The Infidelity recovery Institute categorises infidelity into 7 Affair Types. Most situations will fit into one of these affair types. There are many variables and nuances within each affair type. But it is the emotional triggers within each of these affair types which can determine if the relationship can survive betrayal. For example, should the person have an addiction, the addiction needs to be worked on extensively by the individual. Then, the couple needs to work on setting boundaries. This process can take a long time before the betrayed partner can feel safe as she or he understands the nature of their partners’ afflictions. The one-night stand affair type generally has a faster recovery timeline, once the betrayed partner understands the reasons behind why their partner strayed.
Download Dr. Huizenga’s 7 Types Cheat Sheet
There are some more considerations that affect the affair recovery timeline. Affair recovery can be tough and a much longer process for an individual who has been hurt by many people in their life. This individual will find forgiveness very difficult. Perhaps the unfaithful partner has felt neglected and used by their faithful spouse, throughout their entire marriage. Forgiveness would be difficult as they don’t believe their spouse will meet their emotional needs. Therefore, affair recovery takes much longer, as the faithful spouse demonstrates they too want to fight for the relationship and have a closer relationship than in the past.
Some betrayed partners, have felt betrayed by their parents or siblings, previous relationships, or by a close friend or relative, and have not been able to forgive for these past hurts. As this individual has not learned how to forgive, there is no foundation to understand what forgiveness means. You probably have heard of attachment style injuries? There is a large volume of knowledge and many great books on reviewing your attachment style, and how that affects the way you connect to your spouse.
Some aspects of affair recovery are embarrassing to even admit, let alone talk about and recover from. For example, what happens to your self-esteem when you’re other half turns to another individual to share love and affection. Some men report that it’s difficult to stop the imagery of the wife having sex with the other male. Unspoken concerns include a preoccupation with how large the lovers’ penis is in comparison to their own. Women will also feel insecure knowing their husband has explored another woman’s body and wonder if her husband secretly still desires the other woman’s breasts or vagina over her own. Talking about these very personal thoughts is extremely challenging. It’s difficult to ask the questions and arguably more difficult to hear the answer.
The Split Self Affair is a great example of when an individual who on the surface, appears to have a loving relationship with their spouse of many years, but then secretly finds affection with a younger individual. The issue of ageing is sensitive, and the concept of growing old together and ageing together is part of the reason people get married in the first place. In many circumstances, it is a man who finds a relationship with a younger woman (be it emotional or physical). The betrayed wife is shocked to discover their spouse not only desires lively communication with another person but their communication is romantic. Can a woman recover from her husband’s indiscretions without comparing herself to someone 10 or 20 years younger?
An individual’s personality type will ultimately decide the affair recovery timeline. How an individual internalizes the meaning behind the affair greatly affects their ability to work on a relationship moving forward. For example, we have found it quite common for philanderers to be quite narcissistic, and have histrionic personality disorder. The Philanderer Affair recovery time line may appear to recover extremely quickly. It won’t be long before the individual with a narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder begins gaslighting the betrayed spouse once again. One could argue that should the unfaithful partner not ultimately take full responsibility for their actions, can the betrayed partner truly recover from the affair?
Therefore, there is no standard answer to “How long does it take to recover from an affair.”
Stages:
These are “standard” phases of the affair recovery timeline.
Discovery – When you first “discover” the affair
- How you discovered the affair makes a difference to how you recover. While all scenarios are terrible, literally catching your partner having sex with another individual (in the marital bed) crosses many boundaries. It’s extremely difficult to undo what you see – not impossible. Just extremely difficult. The shock can create post-traumatic stress disorder like symptoms. When you discover infidelity via other means such as reading inappropriate messaging of rendezvous’s, it is still terrible but there is a buffer of time to process what you are reading.
- Is this the 1st time the relationship has been hit by infidelity
- Shattered assumptions – your shock/disgust/embarrassment to your partner having an affair, “What will others think!”
- Your ability to make sense of why your partner cheated. For example, if your relationship was built on a strong foundation of friendship and connection, you understand your partner, and what they need. You don’t agree with the affair, but you know why your partner cheated.
Grieving – “The emotional reaction to the change in the individuals’ world”
- Is the third person still in the picture?
- What other challenges is the couple dealing with right now? Health issues, children issues, loss of employment etc can greatly affect one’s motivation to fight for the marriage.
- Support network
- Access to professional help/ professional support
- Ability to communicate feelings
- Unfaithful Partner
- Depending on the affair time, the unfaithful partner will be mourning the loss of the affair relationship. Even if they do not wish to continue with the affair relationship, there is a void of an unmet need that the 3rd person was filling. The betrayed spouse cannot fill this void as yet, as the relationship is in crisis mode. This is a risky time in affair recovery, where the lover and the unfaithful partner reconnect to meet these emotional needs. Depression is common, and if not recognized and treated with urgency, depression can add years to the recovery process. **It is important to have a therapist, psychologist, or counselor who is experienced in infidelity and marriage counselling to manage your affair recovery process.
- Faithful partner – depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and post-traumatic stress disorder type symptoms, can make the grieving process a lengthy one. An individual who seeks professional help, and receives coping skills can fast track this stage significantly. For some individuals, medication may be needed, in order to participate in affair recovery programs/counselling.
Acceptance – “Ready to move forward from current position“
- Personality type/ disorders – narcissists or those who have a histrionic personality type, will use this opportunity to “make the spouse pay” for the infidelity. For example, a narcissist who has cheated will often blame their spouse for “making them cheat” leaving the betrayed spouse shamed and paralyzed.
- Many betrayed spouses are already to move on to stage when they understand the affair story, this cheating spouse shows genuine remorse, the third party is long gone, and the chance of a fresh new relationship is enticing.
- Some couples may now realize their relationship was never solid, and individual values and beliefs are significantly different from when they first met. Acceptance of the reality of what the relationship V what they thought it was, helps to process the pain, and stop couples from blaming and resenting each other.
Reconnection – Open to reconnecting as a “WE”
- has the individual done the work to understand who they are and what they need?
- Is there improvement in communication and conflict resolution skills?
- Does the couple understand each others emotional needs?
- Is their intimacy in the relationship now or does the couple have the new information and skills to develop intimacy immediately. (SEX is essential is any relationship. A difference in the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery program, is we work on Sex & Intimacy as a part of the recovery process. Breaking old negative bedroom patterns and beliefs can take time, but is 100% essential to the success of a marriage long term.)
Maintenance – Working on the new reality
- depending on the affair type, maintenance can take some time. For example, Type 7- The Sexual Addiction Affair, will require long term sex addiction treatment for the unfaithful partner, and individual treatment for the betrayed spouse (eg Co-dependency). Recovery takes longer for this couple, however, the marriage can be saved and the couple feeling closer than ever before.
While I did not go through all the positives and negatives which can effect affair recovery, I do hope you can now see that affair recovery is not an 18 month process.
Couples who never seek professional advice, do couples courses, and seek relationship enrichment may still stay married after an affair, but live miserable lives together. They face feeling trapped and lonely, feeling misunderstood and helpless. Forgiveness never comes to these couples, as one cannot forgive what one doesn’t understand. Therefore this couple, never recovers from the affair.
If you have any questions, please leave me a message below.
Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.
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No, not true. You can heal without couples therapy. You can come to understand why, and it can become a relationship better than it ever was.
Agree. For some people when they are in a state of trauma, it’s very difficult to find a path forward. That’s when you may need a neutral third party to help guide you.
I’ve been reading the book “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle. She also has a Podcast that I listen to when I walk our dog. I’ve been using the intimacy skills in the book to try and work through the aftermath and pain. I’ve been testing the skills and I’m seeing some changes.
I will never forget that my husband was emotionally involved with two women for over half of our marriage, one possibly physical. I still go “pain shopping” for evidence by checking his phone and laptop. He did give me his passwords. I know he can erase anything he wants. I also know that I can only control myself. Cheating is a choice, if he chooses to cheat I can choose to leave. As of now, I’m choosing my faith over my fear. You’re not alone. ((Hugs))
Thank you for what you shared. I too go pain shopping but didn’t have a word for it. I feel very alone in this process but your comments made me feel less so.
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I think my husband has been cheating on/off for years. I’ve found chat apps but he denies everything. My gut tells me differently, based on his behaviors. How do I find more solid evidence? Phone records, texts? Idk. Need to find out so I can move on with life and decide what’s best for me and my son.
My experience…if you suspect it and see the texts/chats, then he either is cheating or planning to cheat. I stuck my head in the sand and believed his dodges for about 24 months.
I have forgiven my husband. He has been faithful and very remorseful. He is totally trustworthy and loving. Our marriage is better than ever. My problem is the anger I have for the other woman. She pursued him and instigated the affair. My husband has encouraged me to blame him equally if not more. Any contact I have had with her results in her threatening me with a harassment lawsuit. I feel like the only way I can move on is to let her know how much pain she caused me. The affair was many years ago. I found out about it 3 years ago. He confessed. Will I ever stop hating her? I never see letters or comments about wives hating the other woman. It’s always the wife trying to forgive the husband.
I struggle with the same. I feel as if over the last two years I’ve taken the time to understand and forgive my husband for his role, but her I cannot forgive. She pursued him knowing I existed, she’d met me, she even knew I had just had a baby so my attention would be distracted. She told him awful things about me constantly and convinced him I never had and never could love him, even though she didn’t really know me, she’s smart, manipulative, and selfish. I know my husband is the one to blame, but it doesn’t stop the fact that this woman hurt me. She tried to steal my life, and had no remorse at all. I tried to speak to her once and she wouldn’t even look at me, she walked away with no acknowledgement. I wrote her a letter – I only told her how I felt, I did not attack her etc. I felt it was a very mature response considering, but instead of apologizing she threatened legal action (directly to my husband) if she ever heard from me again. How do I heal from that – when I feel like she hurt me on purpose and doesn’t care at all how it hurt my life? I take it one day at a time, try to understand from her side, but that hurt still remains. People say not to let her take anything more from me and to let it go, but I can’t figure out how to. I feel like my relationship is on much better footing and we are moving forward happily, fixing the pieces that were not working before the affair, but now I have an extra broken piece that cannot heal and I’m not sure what to do.
All that to say, you aren’t alone and I’m sorry you too are going through the pain that no one else seems to talk about.
Cheating is a choice. Remember, you have choices too! Unless this other woman was holding a gun to your husband’s head and forced him to cheat with her, he made the choice to do it. You did not take a Vow with the other woman, you took a Vow with your husband. In my case, my husband “tender groomed” the other woman to feel safe disrespecting me, our marriage, and our family. She broke the unspoken “girl code” that you don’t mess with another woman’s man no matter what their relationship status is. Remember she is a “low value” woman, and you are “high value” for keeping your moral compass on track. If she’s not making any effort to be friends with you, she’s up to no good.
Anything that is hidden from your partner is considered cheating! That’s pretty universal. That can include hidden relationships, money, big decisions, etc. If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. It sucks I know. Mine had two on the line at the same time that has lasted over half of our marriage. They were his “supply” girls. Backburner, safety nets, emotional airbags. His biggest fear is abandonment, so he needs a backup plan just in case I finally have enough of his shit and kick him to the curb he’ll have a backup plan. They can never be alone and they fear real love, so they self-sabotage meaningful loving relationships because they don’t trust it’s really real. I know it’s a lot of mindfucking, but it’s all true. Probably from abandonment issues in their childhood. We can’t fix that, only they can. They seek “supplies’ like putting bandaids on a broken arm. It doesn’t work like that. He needed them to feel good about himself because he’s insecure. The spouse is the main supply, but we become boring. The other supply is like junk food to them. Cheap yet satisfying. They get the job done and they know it’s bad for them. Like cheating on a diet. One donut won’t hurt, I’ll go back to eating healthy tomorrow…right?! Most men will even say that they are happy in their marriage. See how they think. It’s him, not you. These people attract each other and their relationships are all built on lies. If they are willing to cheat with each other, they will most likely cheat on each other too. They can never trust the other not to do that to them too. That sounds like a fun relationship…right?! They justify, lie, gaslight, project, deflect, etc… Like a toddler caught with their hand in the cookie jar. They need these “supplies” (other women) like an addict needs their drug. ((Hugs)) You are not alone.
It sounds like you haven’t really acknowledged that the affair was the result of issues in your marriage. Both of you, not just him which does not mean he should have handled the issues the way he did. Your spouse will lie to you to spare you additional pain but he was willingly in a relationship with another woman. You want to believe he is honest but he’s not and you create the narrative that works for you. She was not the issue and he will lie.. Move on. because you are blaming the wrong person. He lied to her and he lied to you.
You have to remember that no matter what the other woman did, it would make no difference if your husband said one simple word…..NO.
Can you give me advise on how to get soldi evidence? I suspect my husband has been cheating and probably for years. Where do I begin? Years of tracking phone records? Spying on his phone? He’s good at deleting and hiding. I just need proof bc my gut instinct is fired up.
Your cell phone carrier provides text and call logs. Those will give you the amount of time spent on one phone number. Quantity only not message. But that may be enough to confirm at the minimum an emotional affair which is most likely also physical. Confront him with the evidence of time spent with another and taken from you. Be gently. Be firm. Use I statements. “I see that you spend a lot of time texting and calling this number that belongs to>>>>” We haven’t been close in a while. I feel like I have lost you and you are not meeting my emotional needs” ” I don’t feel safe and respected when you spend so much time calling and texting this other person” “I need you to stop” If you are in an affair, I need you to be honest with me as I am being honest with you” “This pattern of behavior is not healthy for us or our marriage” BE GENTLE. Your instinct will be otherwise but if you make him feel safe to open up…he will.
Thank you, this is good advise. I doubt he’ll admit it even though I have the proof. Let’s hope he does so we can move past this…however that means
We have AT&T I was able to reverse check the phone numbers on his plan. It then allowed me to change the number to a name in our account. So anytime it showed her name instead of a random number. I also printed this list out. Our records went back 4 years. It was painful and shocking. You won’t be able to see what was being texted, but you will see the time and date of the texts. My husband kept his old Samsung/Android phone for a backup. I was able to guess his passcode and since he had never cleared it, it had all his old text and contacts on it. I also screenshot the text messages from his phone onto my own phone. I did not confront him for at least 3 months. I wanted to gather as much info. before I accused him of his emotional affair. He’s never told me the truth of why only telling me he thinks he did it because he was bored, but like a puzzle of a lighthouse that’s missing the actual top puzzle piece of the lighthouse. I still know it’s a lighthouse and that’s enough for me. When he said they were “just friends,” I said would he be okay if I had this same friendship with another man behind his back for half of our marriage… Of course not. Anything hidden is considered cheating. He knows it, she knew it, the whole world knows that. When you take a Vow to cherish only one person, you don’t get to have a cherished relationship with another behind your spouse’s back and think it’s cute, innocent, and harmless. That’s selfish and disrespectful. Insecure need this to make themselves feel better. A supply to feed their ego. It’s what they are lacking not you. I’m so sorry you are going through this, you are not alone.
I believe my husband is having an affair, probably one that has gone on for a long time. But I need more sold proof. How to I go about finding it?
I’m sorry this happened to you. Take from someone who is in your shoes. My spouse cheated on me multiple times over the last almost 27 years of marriage. The last time was 4 years ago on October 8, 2016. So still to this day I don’t trust him. I don’t know if I will ever trust him because I feel the hurt and betrayal every day. I don’t know what to do anymore about it.
During the time he was stepping out on me he was blaming me for everything. He moved in with our adult married daughter so he could go back and forth to work because his truck broke down. He was working with the girl he cheated on me with. So he was seeing her everyday at work and he would see her when not at work. He would use our daughters or her husbands and my vehicle to pick her up and hang out together. To this day I don’t understand how he could do that without feeling guilty. To this day I still feel like I’m not good enough for him.
So what I’m trying to say is maybe we could help each other with what we r feeling because everyone and everything I read says I should be over all this because of when it happened. So then why do I feel like he is going to do it again. I don’t know if you feel the same way. I just need someone who is going through the same issues to talk to. I love my husband and I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. I will be alone for the rest of my life if I have to be.
So I don’t know how this works but if u need someone to talk to also get in touch with me and we will go from there.
I am writing for a friend of mine, Carlton. I am very worried about both him and his wife, Charlotte. Carlton resently left Charlotte, recently meaning the last 3 months or so for another woman. We live in a small town and I fear that once it becomes public about his affair he will face terrible shame. It is a surprise to the few of us who know of the affair. His wife, Charlotte adored her husband, Carlton. It is my understanding divorce papers have been filed. I do not know which of them filed for divorce. I feel this couple, my friends got off track and need to realize what all they have together. I worry about my friend, Carlton. The shame, humiliation and shunning he will face from cheating on Charlotte will be astronomical. I would like for him to rethink what he has done by bringing this affair between him and Charlotte. Carlton could not possibly love anyone more than he loves Charlotte. I fear he got wrapped up in the affair and lost sight of what he has in Charlotte. He will face terrible embarrassment, I wish to save my friend from this embarrassment. How can I help him to see what he has done is wrong? How can I help my friends? This woman who came between Carlton and Charlotte needs to go on about her business and leave Carlton alone. Carlton needs to remember the love and care he has for Charlotte. I hate, I mean hate to see Carlton and Charlotte to divorce. Please help them, help me to help them. Please help me to know how to bring my friends back together, to save Carlton from the shame and the hurt he will bring his family. Concerned friend.
Sorry I know this is long but this is my pain.
I came across this site because my wife and I have had a very tough time over the past almost three years. Tonight I believe that it may be at the end. Before the infidelity, I thought our relationship was going well. We had a nice home and we had just welcomed our our rainbow baby as a second child. We were in a bit of debt, so I was working a lot to try and do the things a man should do and provide and protect.
I found out on June 15 of 2017 from the other mans wife that my spouse had sent naked photos to him. I instantly went into denial while looking at these photos thinking that this can’t be true, someone has hacked her account and is trying to get money out of this. I felt like that until she told me who her husband was. Once hearing that it was a prior boyfriend I lost it at that moment. While sitting there ,in utter disbelief I began to think about what had happened before I went home after dropping someone off after a wedding we all attended that day. Of all days it would be on a wedding day. A day that reminded me of the vows we took, the broom we jumped over and the never ending circle of trust with our rings, love, faithfulness, and until death do us part. I couldn’t believe it; I just sat there crying for a little while. When I got home she was already aware of what I knew because this man reached out to her to tell her that his wife sent me the pictures and that he was sorry. I can recall telling myself, before I got home, that she was just recently saying I wasn’t paying enough attention to her and that I needed to give her more words of affirmation. That I simply needed to “see” her, and tell her how beautiful I thought she was. I can say yes, during that time I was on auto pilot. Simply because I was trying to keep the ship afloat. I was more concerned with being able to “provide” what I thought she wanted instead of what she was missing. On my way home I began to get angry because during her telling me I wasn’t paying enough attention or providing her the words she needed I decided, a month prior in May, to take her to Las Vegas for mother’s day, to show her my appreciation for her. I gave her everything on this trip, first class flights, one of the best suites overlooking the Fountains of Bellagio. I got tickets to a show that she wanted to see forever, and we missed the show because she got too drunk. So 800 dollar tickets went down the drain, but somehow that ended up being my fault, but I’ll take it.
The next day on this trip I noticed he commented on one of the photos on her Instagram. Now a little backstory on this, she had herself and I get off Facebook around March because we “needed a social media break”. I didn’t get back on Facebook until June 15th, the day I found out. After I saw this picture I then said why are you friends with him? Not more than two months prior she was on me about having a female friend on my Facebook account and her saying something in my messenger that my wife believed was inappropriate. She saw the comment that was sent, on the same day I received it, that same day she saw it she stated I don’t like this, and said remove her. Sitting here tonight reflecting over our latest argument, that’s something new for me this year, this was not the person she was talking about tonight because I actually remember who it was now. The young lady she was referring to has a name that starts with a T, the other her name was Sherronda. She was a prior girlfriend from the 6th grade. I felt being I hadn’t had any contact or anything out of the ordinary I saw nothing wrong with the conversation as it still doesn’t stick out in my mind to this day. However, she didn’t like it so I did what she asked because she was important to me and didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t loved when she recently had our second child that year.
I then told her that night when I got home after dropping someone else off and receiving this message from the other lady showing me the pictures, ones that she even sent me and asked what I thought about them; that I was going to divorce her. She begged me not to and being that I believed in our vows I decided to move forward. This is where the problems started for the both of us. I found out later that she had been hiding Valacyclovir prescriptions from me. Not only did she go to the doctor they in fact prescribed her this medication. She then got the test results back and continued to take the prescription for 6 months thereafter. She constantly tells me that nothing sexual happened but this has always been a sticking point for me. why take a medication you’ve never taken before but now need 6 months of? it didn’t add up. She went so far as to get this proscription at another location so that when I would pick up any other medications I wouldn’t be made aware that this prescription was ready. She went to the doctor on May 22nd we returned from out of town on May 14th. So In my head there was only two ways this could have happen. Either she was exposed to this before we went out of town or within two to three days after. After researching Herpes the incubation period is 4 days. and symptoms can show up anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks after exposure. However When looking at call logs trying to figure out what was going on she was calling around to several places trying to get in to see a planned parenthood or a gyno, on the 21st. So the latest it could have been would have either been on Monday the 15th through the 17th that same week to land on the 21st. She says I make up all of this in my head but I’ve never heard of a doctor prescribing medication for half a year without reason. To make me think this even more when I recall seeing in the pictures, in one of the comments my wife sent back to him, stated you are probably the one that gave me an std also.
Now after saying I would move forward and I wanted it to be on my terms she agreed. I began looking a call logs, making sure she had location services on and having access to her social media. everything seemed like it may be moving in the right directions but I was not able to forgive her. As this article stated I fell directly into one of these categories. The section starts “or some betrayed partners, they have felt betrayal by their parents or siblings….there is no foundation to understand what forgiveness means. Affair recovery takes much longer…..” This for me is primarily true based off the relationships my mother brought into the home, the relationships I saw my sisters in growing up and the one thing that no one should ever endure is being sexually assaulted as a young boy by your older brother who turned out to be gay in his young and adult life.
After her dealing with my antics, lies at trying to uncover what I thought was more to the story she eventually started to push back. I used sexual toys with her back in the day and she never said anything about them. I’ve used sleeves, vibrators, anything that she was willing to try because I was trying to make sure I spiced things up. Her and I did start to drink heavily which I think was a bad idea because its a depressant and we started to have more issues. She started to feel like I preferred sexual toys specifically the penis sleeve over having sex with her without the use of toys. I never thought of it that way but I kind of understand how she could have felt that way. For me it was like telling her that she doesn’t have to seek anything outside of us I can provide any type of sexual need she had. Not that I’m a bad lay by any means this was just one of those things that made me feel powerful again. I read in a book that for men infidelity is all about penis, for women its all about emotional tanks being filled. I know after tonight I’ve been failing.
To continue on we move into 2018 and she starts to get into treating her legs and getting facial injections. during this time I couldn’t pin point what was going on but almost like clock work each time she went to see the doctor within one month she was back at urgent care getting a panel done form BV or a Pap and a full work up and then the third time getting checked for STDs. I didnt know what to think. was she cheating with the doctor? was she cheating with this guys photo she saved on Instagram ? were my actions pushing her away again. During this time after the third tiem going to the doctor she went and then say a psychiatrist that gave her depression medication. This was on the same day she had all of her test done and was prescribed metronidazole again, I started to remember back when going through this that I sometimes during that year would have pain or a swelling sensation in my testicles. I thought it was just some phantom pains from having a vasectomy. But I later learned that it could have been Trich. Trich in men can typically clear up in ten days on its own. So if I did have it I would have never know. one other thing that made me concerned was when everything started to fall apart for us recently I noticed she looked into my call logs from march of 2019 what happened then? When all of this was happening I should have said something to her instead I just continued to punish her believing she was a horrible person. Continuing to make up lies and bringing up the incident because I believed there was more and that she would eventually tell me. Well to this day nothing more has come of it
Fast forward through the beginning of 2019 up until the summer we were still having our arguments and she would tell me that once we moved to our new home that it all would have to stop. During this time about mid 2019 and on we were still not in a good place. I was telling myself that I loved her and I really do. I saw that she was texting the guy again and started to have issues and makes things worse. When she was actually trying to find out about my lies. During October she was also having inappropriate conversations with a man that in the previous year inboxes her on new years eve and said your so hot. I knew this man and he was an old friend of hers from high school and I told him I got this I just need to tell her more. I remember then she got enraged with me about that and I thought it to be odd because I would remove anyone she wanted. So when I saw the conversation this time around I thought to myself so this is the person from last year? Then we had a huge blowout on October 10th. it was a physical altercation. She tries to blame me for it all however not more than 5 days later when she came back to my home after I was trying to get her to come back and realize that she was up to no good. I took out her phone while she was sleep which is the primary reason the fight got so bad is because she didn’t want me to see her phone because of what had been going on in conversations between her, the old guy from the pics, and this new guy. I opened it up and saw what I needed to see. I knew something was going on before hand. Because each time something like this was happening she would go see a psychic so each time I was tipped off that something was amiss. She tells me that shes told me the truth about everything. but for me this is how it seems.
By the next month on December 7 of last year I found out that she slept with the second guy and contracted Trich. Her response was after the fight she didn’t know if we were going to be together. She didn’t know if we were going to make it because she moved back with her mom and she then decided to get an apartment finally got her to come back but I continue to want to know more. After all of the above I do I let go and finally love her the way i need to so she doesn’t leave me for good and I show her the things she needs to make her not step out.
Hi. I’m currently the betrayer in the relationship and as a woman in this situation currently trying to heal and earn forgiveness I can confidently say she’s not giving you the respect, accountability or maturity to be able to recover. I know I’m just a stranger, but take it from me, she’s proven she doesn’t want it to work and you should leave her. IMO she has something more than depression. Since she’s not truly acknowledged her wrong doings and fully empathize your hurt she’ll continue to play victim and never learn from her actions which leads to the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater”
I know I can’t fully know your situation and may be wrong about the type of person she is, but this is just my opinion based on the info provided. Always know your worth and that forgiving doesn’t mean all is healed. I hope you’re doing well whatever the outcome has been.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Take from someone who is in your shoes. My spouse cheated on me multiple times over the last almost 27 years of marriage. The last time was 4 years ago on October 8, 2016. So still to this day I don’t trust him. I don’t know if I will ever trust him because I feel the hurt and betrayal every day. I don’t know what to do anymore about it.
During the time he was stepping out on me he was blaming me for everything. He moved in with our adult married daughter so he could go back and forth to work because his truck broke down. He was working with the girl he cheated on me with. So he was seeing her everyday at work and he would see her when not at work. He would use our daughters or her husbands and my vehicle to pick her up and hang out together. To this day I don’t understand how he could do that without feeling guilty. To this day I still feel like I’m not good enough for him.
So what I’m trying to say is maybe we could help each other with what we r feeling because everyone and everything I read says I should be over all this because of when it happened. So then why do I feel like he is going to do it again. I don’t know if you feel the same way. I just need someone who is going through the same issues to talk to. I love my husband and I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. I will be alone for the rest of my life if I have to be.
So I don’t know how this works but if u need someone to talk to also get in touch with me and we will go from there.
Hi Sharla. I would love to connect with you about your situation. I find myself in a situation somewhat similar and would love to chat.
Social media is killing marriages everywhere. Most affair partners re-connect online or use online activity to have the affair. Mine was with his old high school crush and with a co-worker. There may be others, but those are the most recent that I found evidence on. Social media can be used now in a court of law. Screenshot, print or save what you can. Don’t forget there are “Chats” in games like “Words with Friends”. They have so many “innocent” ways to stay in contact. Check it all. Even on Reddit, Twitter, Pinterest, etc… anywhere there is chat or DM (private messaging). Even people have found cheating on Indeed or Glassdoor (professional job searches). It’s everywhere! Cheating is a choice. Anything you hide from your spouse is considered cheating. If they wouldn’t like it if you did it to them, that’s why they are hiding it.
So I just don’t know what to do right now as this is still happening as we speak. My wife of 18 years came to me out of no where telling me she wasn’t happy anymore. She said we grew apart and aren’t as close as we once were. We had a big talk about the situation and it just turned into everything wrong in our relationship was mainly my fault. I’d take a bullet for her and would do ANYTHING for her and she just shows almost no emotion during all of this. I found out because I straight up asked her if she was seeing someone due to her all of a sudden going out every weekend and staying out all night along with the weekdays also seeing “friends”. She just got back from an overnight trip with a friend that she’s not even friends with anymore. When I asked her if she was seeing someone she said yes but it wasn’t “serious”. She wants to move out and find another place and I’ll be still in our house with our two teenage kids. She shows absolutely no remorse for what’s going on. Like she doesn’t feel bad at all. I’m not going to lie, if it wasn’t for our kids being here needing a father I’m not sure what would of happened. I’ve had not so good thoughts about myself and I still do now. The kids being here truthfully is the only reason I’m still here. She was my best friend of over 18 years. I haven’t hurt this bad since my mother cheated on my dad and passed away two years after. The only reason I’m remotely holding it together right now if these kids need a father and a nice roof over their heads.
I know you’ve written a while ago, but I’ve been through the exact same thing. My husband said the same in November 2019, but I was naive enough to believe him when he said that he had only a “non-serious” new friend. He was spending the weekends away, etc. He bought a house, wanting to live alone to “reconnect” with himself. With the pandemic, I was finally able to identify the “other woman”. A pure “emotional affair” as described by Dr Bob Huizenga (his writings help me a lot). So, a year later, he broke off for good with the other woman last week (he tried this summer, but it was not a serious move-he wanted to stay friends)… Keep working on yourself-be the best man you can be (dignity, respect, consistency) (and take good care of your kids ’cause she’s probably not doing it), read from Dr Huizenga… Not an easy road, but I am not as depressed as I was before.
What’s the of this book you speak about?
Dr. Huizenga Coaching Page is here : https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/Drhcoach/savvy71/
First Steps to Surviving Infidelity https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/surviveinfidelity/savvy71/
Marriage Building Course https://lv130.isrefer.com/go/MBOC/savvy71/
Does anyone ever cheat with someone “better” than their significant other? In my experience and what I’ve seen those around me go through, it appears the third person is always lacking in something or many things the significant other isn’t. To me, if you’re going to cheat why wouldn’t you “upgrade”? I feel like I could move on faster if the other woman was more intelligent, rich and looked like a super model… I feel like I could understand that.
My husband of 20 years is having an affair since I found out he has not seen her but they still talk he said he doesn’t know what he wants it’s been 4 months and it hurts a lot still I love him but not sure if I should still fight or let him go
Let him go, if he can’t just choose you instantly you need to walk and not look back. Let him regret it for the rest of his long cheater life!
I feel this 100%.
My ex-husband told me that he wanted to feel better about himself and chose women over whom he felt some superiority. After marriage, he discovered that although he admired me, he felt deeply insecure next to me. His affair partners, he said, were “takers” whom he said he knew were using him as much as he was using them, unable to commit, and had no problems with lying or infidelity. He said these women made him feel better about himself. Yeah, sure. You felt so bad about yourself you felt better about yourself while being used?
My ex-husband said that he chose women over whom he felt some superiority and made him feel better about himself. After our marriage, he said that although he admired me, he felt very insecure next to me. And my devotion to him made him feel guilty. His affair partners, he said, were “takers”, whom he knew were just using him just as he was using them; had no problems with lying or cheating or hurting his marriage. He had little respect for them because he thought they were shady. But they boosted his ego and that was the whole point. As my current therapist said, “Ice Man Cometh”-
I’m in the process of recovering from my husband’s affair. I was shocked to find how different from me the other woman is – in appearance and interests. I’m a little baffled by it to be honest. Since I’m still working through the understanding process, Im not sure at what point- if any- I’ll understand. I think that she provided him comfort and maybe lonely enough to not care that she was sleeping with a married man with a pregnant wife. I’ll probably never understand though.
Same here.
The other woman is so different. I have a pretty good job-well paid, diplomas, good looking, slim, good housekeeper- mother of a baby, quiet, a bit shy, anxious…you see the picture. The other woman is single, overweight, working in a garage, she loves to drink, to party, is described as loud and intense… That feels so weird. In a way, I understand that it’s something pretty different. He told me things that are a bit like Mary Li describes : I can be myself with her. I respect you too much and I cannot do, with you, the bad things that I do with with her. I never want to hurt you, so I ” watch” myself when I am with you… In a way I understand his point, but it’s still very painful.
My husband is cheating and left me in June on our 16 anniversary for my best friend 15 years older than him. She is a fat, and an obnoxious person. She has varicose veins and cankles. It was fine when she was just a friend. Now I can’t understand why she would do this me. Both are selfish. he is with just another sugar mamma. It has taken me from Feb to now thru pandemic and isolation to stop crying and grieving.
I agree. When I found out about my husbands affair I was angry and hurt but when I saw the mistress I was shocked and lost. When I saw and listened to her all I could think is there is no way he would have ever taken this woman to his mom or around his friends. He just used her and she was one sad individual and I was sorry for her until she became the Glen Close character from the “Fatal Attraction” movie. This person went after me like I did something to her and left my husband alone.
I’m 2 years out of divorce. I found out my wife was cheating on me during our marriage, about 6 months after our divorce was finalized. She had the audacity to tell me she was tired of all the lies during the divorce proceedings. Until the guy that claimed to be my friend told me that he had the affair with my then wife, I couldn’t understand why she kept talking about lies. The kicker of all this is they were both pastors at the same church. The whole ordeal has made it hard for me to let anyone new into my life.
Husband had a six year adultry. After his class he said he got sex and went home. My kids found naked photos tuns and videos oh her in sex act. They showed me the photos. I told husband to get out but he said he was sorry went totherapy he said it was over. Then he started treating me bad neglected me and was secrecy. I found out he went back to his adulteress and he said it was over that he manipulated him. I couldn’t trust no, I went to night school to get a job and found out again he was paying for her and more naked photos of her in a hotel room she’s 64. I called her and she said nothing. How do even said that she was a drunk any help so he went to her to help they spent the night in hotel but there was no sex. I was told to give him another chance I was very hurt and I felt many times I just want to kill myself. He said it was over but then I found out he was calling her and she was calling him he said they were just friends and I told him to stop all communications with her I called her family and told him what she was doing for these 10 years often on. My husband says we’re getting better but it’s been five years since he is had any sexual contact with me. I have moved out of the house to my friends and I am now planning on dating again I do not believe anything he says this is been hell and I think enough is enough and we need to divorce.
I became ill and the doctors thought I would die and that gave my husband the excuse to get his old girlfriends he told her I was dying I slowly in a adult living hospital and that he took our kids to see me once a week. He had a nanny living at the house. He was teaching long distance after class he had sex with her and came home for six yeRs this happend till my kids seen naked photos videos of his whore. He promised he broke it off went to therapy but he treated me bad. I called his whore up and she just said nothing.
He broke it off. Then he started treating me the same again. I got a hacker and found out he was talking to her all the time. We lived together but not. I took night classes to get a job. I told him we are like separated just tell me when he’s messing with her and we go different ways. Again he’s with her taking naked photos in hotel she 64 knows he has a family. He said he felt sorry for her she’s a drunk and innocent and they had no sex just slept together. So again we went to therapy distant ourselves. He promised family he wouldn’t see or contact her. Then later I found out he was calling and facebooking her, they where friends so it wasn’t adultry. Then she got mad at him for using her and stoped seeing calling her she said. I called her family and told them everything. Now my husband says it’s over. He says he’s trying to get us to a better place. He has not had any sexual contact with me at all in five years. I am now at my friends house and want to start dating other decent men. Husband says he wNts me back but he refuses to give me keys to his car his office his man cave cell number and codes to iPads. He says she was great in bed cooked good and she was a fun drunk. Yes he loves her and me. He doesn’t want a divorce because of money. He likes me to work at his office cook clean rub his feet and that’s about it. He treats me neglecte and hides money. Why won’t he go live with the whore and devorce me. The two of them brake up and then get together. He loves her unconditionally .
I became ill and the doctors thought I would die and that gave my husband the excuse to get his old girlfriends he told her I was dying I slowly in a adult living hospital and that he took our kids to see me once a week. He had a nanny living at the house. He was teaching long distance after class he had sex with her and came home for six yeRs this happend till my kids seen naked photos videos of his whore. He promised he broke it off went to therapy but he treated me bad. I called his whore up and she just said nothing.
He broke it off. Then he started treating me the same again. I got a hacker and found out he was talking to her all the time. We lived together but not. I took night classes to get a job. I told him we are like separated just tell me when he’s messing with her and we go different ways. Again he’s with her taking naked photos in hotel she 64 knows he has a family. He said he felt sorry for her she’s a drunk and innocent and they had no sex just slept together. So again we went to therapy distant ourselves. He promised family he wouldn’t see or contact her. Then later I found out he was calling and facebooking her, they where friends so it wasn’t adultry. Then she got mad at him for using her and stoped seeing calling her she said. I called her family and told them everything. Now my husband says it’s over. He says he’s trying to get us to a better place. He has not had any sexual contact with me at all in five years. I am now at my friends house and want to start dating other decent men. Husband says he wNts me back but he refuses to give me keys to his car his office his man cave cell number and codes to iPads. He says she was great in bed cooked good and she was a fun drunk. Yes he loves her and me. He doesn’t want a divorce because of money. He likes me to work at his office cook clean rub his feet and that’s about it. He treats me neglecte and hides money. Why won’t he go live with the whore and devorce me. The two of them brake up and then get together. He loves her unconditionally . I asked him how can he fight with her then make up have sex but me he won’t touch.
Hi,
I’d like to say that it’s almost 3 years for me since D-day. Some days are good and others are bad since my husband’s affair. I can tell he wants to unload his guilt and at the same time the shame holds him back and with that he pulls away from getting closer if we are connecting. This happened this last weekend and I had some answers and yet he closed up again. I know that my anger blinded me with many things in the first 2 years and I tried to destroy him and used our kids as weapons towards him which I regret deeply because it only placed more distrust between us and know that it was wrong to do. I’m not sure how a person is suppose to react when they discover a 15 year affair and feel like their life is a lie, and the grief they experience is unreal. It’s more painful when your young children discover it and hold those secrets you. It places a burden on them and causes trauma that only as time unravels and I know because my son now is in a treatment center for attempting suicide 4 times in the last year. I’m still trying to for a understand in my mind how someone can’t fully take responsibility for their poor decisions try to be accountable which I feel he isn’t showing that he is at this time.
The thing he doesn’t understand is that in the last 3 years I have gone through my own awakening because I have been working with a trauma therapist and I see many things with a different perspective. I’m not angry at the affair. I really love my husband and am sad that I feel we are still both strangers to each other.
I wish I felt that he had remorse and maybe there are things that I am needing and haven’t gotten them yet from him. This is the thing, you can’t justify the affair completely because any answer still comes down to being selfish.
Just this last weekend I had some answers from him that were never discussed before. It was nice to have the discussions about the affair sex (not in details) and work though some of my questions that were spinning in my head for months. There was a closeness felt and then he backed off in a self sabotage which is see is shame and fear of closeness which is his own insecurity.
We are at a point where divorce is on the table and has been discussed due to the hospitalizations of our teenage son and yet we are still working on the marriage in my opinion because the word divorce hasn’t been mentioned again in over 2 months now.
Affairs are damaging to everyone and not just the betrayed spouse. My children have deep issues now that are more expensive and emotionally exhausting.
Everyone gets hurt by selfish acts and redefining the marriage again is extremely difficult and frustrating. Yes, I am glad I know now about the affair, rather than live my life with the blinders on. Yet the pain some days is unbearable because there is my own insecurity, and the lack of remorse and trust that still exists between the 2 of us. We are trying to be friends and I hope that working on a friendship more brings us closer together.
As of the depression, just recently in the last few months I started taking an anxiety medication and it helped lift some of my emotional fog. However, I feel lost some days and have deep sadness and loneliness. Being friends with someone and working on a marriage doesn’t mean that the closeness is there because the heart is still broken and the fear of letting him back in is overwhelming most days. My opinions are that I wasn’t the one that had a choice in the selfish decisions and kept the stupidity and lies going on. Remorse is not the same as having regret and I can only hope that time is our friend and that I find the strength to see what happiness is along the way.
I just found out two weeks ago my wife has been having affair for three years!! We have been married 8 ! She seems remorseful and willing to work on our marriage but honestly I want to believe her but I can’t! When I first found out she seemed to be telling the truth about the affair that it was short lived and along time ago! Because of me still trying to find out who the person was I discovered it was much longer three years and was still going on when I found out! She says she doesn’t know why and it’s not about us! She says it was just about sex nothing else. But she was purchasing lingerie and taking photos of herself for him which she never did for me! Since then I don’t know if she is hold more and doesn’t want to to know or if this time she is being truthful! She says she loves me and never wanted to hurt me or lose me !
hi Jm. is there any chance your
wife was sexually abused as a child?
If you do not have children I would leave ASAP. I wish I would have listened to that advise because the trust after 4 and a half years has still not come fully back and I don’t think it ever will. My last child just started college this year so I think it’s time for me to move on because it’s very difficult living with someone you don’t fully trust. I now really understand when people say without trust their is not a true relationship.
My wife left the house over a year ago. Her reason was that I sometimes would drink to much and that I should not be drinking at all. She truly had a point, when drinking I was never abusive and we did not fight a lot but if I was honest with my self which I was, that I was not totally present as I should have been, along way from it. So I was determined to do what it took to get done what needed to be done, I loved her. Over the course of that year we spent time together visiting grand children, me helping her with different things that I had always helped out with. I was hoping we could get back together again. One day I had been talking to my brother and thru our conversation he stated the obvious, ” after a year don’t you think you would have gotten back together by now”. Wow talk about stating the obvious. So I decided I needed to figure out once and for all .It took me 2 weeks on this christmas day that she had been cheating on me for 4 years.With who I don’t know, maybe more than one, I just do not know. This is a woman I have been married to for 35 years and when I finally figured it all out I felt like I would puke Ifelt ill and I literally felt like some one kicked me in the gut. I still feel like I am hyperventilating and cant catch my breadth, anytime during the day a thought of her or the kids or a date in time will send waves of sadness of what cannot be undone and it tears my heart out to know it will never be the same. But I will do what I have to do to be the person I want to be living with out my wife. I believe she would like to be together but that is not an option for me, Iwill always love her, but I don’t truly know who this person is any more. Never in my wildest dreams could I believe she was capable of this in this way. My true thoughts are that this could have been going on for quite some time and that maybe there is something wrong. I may never know the whole truth and I am not sure I want to. Does not say a lot for me and my awareness as a husband so I have some work to do. I want the best for her and I hope she is ok, it breaks my heart. She was aware that this is the one thing that Icould never accept and that our marriage would be over. Not because I am better but because I would be miserable and she would to. I will always love her and hope that she is ok.
I found out that my partner of 5 years cheated on me with his friend today. It happened a year and a half ago.
I had gone into his email to reset a password, and I saw a message from the friend, that we haven’t seen in 6 months, that mentioned the affair. I don’t know how I feel. I feel empty, angry, shame, regret for whatever I did or didn’t do that drove him to this, I feel love for him and so much pain.
I’m angry that it happened, angry that after it happened he still invited his friend over for dinner 2 or 3 days out of the week every week, had me cook for the two of them. I’m angry that he let his friend treat me like trash, like his friend was the one in the relationship with him and I was the mistress. I’m angry that I suspected that something was going on and I just thought that I was losing my god damned mind and kept my mouth shut. I’m angry that I was in the other room sleeping while it happened. I’m angry that he crawled back into bed with me after he did what he did. I’m angry I kissed him the morning after. I’m angry that wasn’t the last time. I’m angry that I still feel he is keeping the extent of the affair hidden from me. I’m angry that it is the 23rd of December and I have to pretend to be okay for Christmas and I am most certainly not okay.
We have just started talking about this, just started to talk about healing. I know it will take time and effort on both of our parts. I just hope we can get through this.
I discovered my wife was having sex with another man about 25 years ago, 18 years into our marriage. It nearly destroyed me and I developed major depression which is still being treated. During this time I have been detained in two mental institutions to protect myself, and after trying to hang myself in one I was treated with electroshock therapy. I think I still love my wife but whenever we had sex there was always the other man present, so now I have given up sex. Is 25 years too long to recover, or rather not recover, I don’t know, but there it is. I have enough pain medication saved to kill myself, but what stops me is the love of my four grandchildren, so I continue to survive for them. But maybe there will be a night when the pain of the affair is stronger than the love. This is probably not a comforting message, but this is how my life has become.
Tony, I’m so sorry for your pain and grief. My husband had multiple affairs over a 10-year period. We were separated for four years. We’ve been back together for 3.5 years and have an amazing marriage. In my recovery, I discovered my spouse’s affairs weren’t our root problem; it was where we sought our identity and personal value. Even though I have a faith in God, I was still looking to my spouse for my identity and to affirm me. Once this was exposed, and we both pursued our own individual healing through an intimate relationships with God and a safe circle of others, our marriage healed and blossomed. I share my story to give others hope: https://hopeforspouses.com/into-the-light
Has your wife tried to earn back your trust? Marriage involves two people. My husband cheated on me in 1975. I still have bad moments over 40 years later. I almost committed suicide in 75 but something stopped me. I have over the years saved my sister from injury or death 3 times. I saved one of my dogs from a fatal illness. Recently, my now quick-thinking and decisiveness helped me save a cat who had lost his owner to cancer. We are all here on the earth for a purpose. Right now, yours is to keep loving your grandchildren. Mine is to help others when I can. I have 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren. I help them in several ways. Forgiveness does not necessarily move into reconciliation. God bless you.
My boyfriend betrayed me by sleeping with other women behind my back almost 4 years ago. I found out by gun throwing it in my face during an argument. It was one of the most hurtful and traumatic things I’ve had to go through. I went through depression for over a year. We saw a therapist for a few months, but it was my therapist and we also saw her together so it started feeling like a conflict of interest for me so I stopped therapy with him. Is it uncommon to still feel insecure and jealous for this long after? He has done everything in his power to be good and honest and transparent. I have never fully been able to trust him again and it scares me that we will not make it sometimes. Other times things are great and I know we will be together forever and it feels right. Every now and then I will catch him looking at a girl or when he goes out of town for work I will feel anxious and worry he will be unfaithful again. It’s been a traumatic experience for me. I don’t know how to communicate with him about these things without it turning into a blow up fight. I dont feel that he is doing everything in those moments to comfort me, he gets defensive and tells me I’m just making this up and being selfish, but it doesn’t feel like he fully understands what he has put me through and forgets his promises that he will do what’s er it takes to make it right between us. We both love each other and want to be together and make it work, but sometimes I can not help but feel betrayed all over again when I see him look at another woman or when he’s out of town for work and feel anxious that he will do it again. It feels like a switch I can’t turn off sometimes. It’s been almost 4 years, is the relationship doomed for life? We each have two kids from previous relationships and we live together the kids live w us and we have a dog etc etc. Us breaking up and going our separate ways seems unthinkable, but are we beating a dead horse?
D day was barely 2 days ago. I don’t know what to do. I woke up to him talking about suicide and in trying to figure out why he lets loose with (to keep it simple I’ll summarize) I cheated on you with a transgender prostitute. Now he’s on a psych hold and I need help
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It’s been five years since I found out my husband had an affair I found out through an email that the old W sent to his email explicit photos he was telling her I love you she was calling him on his lunch breaks he claimed that was his god sister I continue to stay with the marriage because I had three young children at the time to which were disabled and it just felt safe for me to stay with him I suffer still time to time I still cry I still scream I still feel rage I feel like I want to hurt someone but then the feeling past when I see my children I had a dark. Where I would just stay in my room and cry I wouldn’t eat I wouldn’t talk I didn’t want to get out of bed but I eventually got over it I start living life again and I’ve been with this pressure for 13 years and the Fair happened 5 years ago
I see all the responses have been from hurt individuals. I am a spouse that made a “big mistake”. First, let me say that no matter the circumstance (lost job, low self esteem, dwindling affection and respect from your spouse, etc.) there is no excuse/reason to cheat on your spouse. I should have been strong enough to stop….period. If the marriage wasn’t there, I should have made moves to leave. I am accountable for my actions. Having said this, the topic here is recovery time. I have gone to counseling on and off for two years with my wife. We have read six books along with various articles like this. I cheated for a few months with one person, however, we were physical one time. This was four years ago. I have not done anything like this again and never will. I’ve apologized numerous times. Supported any decision she needs to make, and I listen to her anger and accusations every week to this day. Part of our counseling is her going through anger management because it has become a normal part of coping for her. I share this so all can hopefully use this in some way to make good decisions for themselves. While I am certainly accountable for this, just know, that years of backlash and aggression will take it’s toll on any relationship. Calluses “will” form, and the relationship could be irreversible. It’s better to make the hard decision, end the marriage, and move on, rather than go through the pain and bitterness for “years” with little progress. I’m probably going to receive a flurry of anger from this. However, the topic is about duration and I’m trying to pass along experience for both sides to seek happiness again.
Thanks for sharing. I really only dislike that you talked about the backlash from her anger will take its toll. It’s a struggle because I never wanted to have backlash or anger. I never asked for this. It’s unfortunate that before making the decision to have an affair you didn’t think about the backlash and anger from your spouse. Maybe if you had you wouldn’t have the callouses! If you think for one second any spouse wants the scars left behind… your wrong. My heart is broken. It’s been 7 years. My husband was my
Best friend. He had a great time with his little secrets. The pain is all on me. The forgiveness is all on me. The responsibility to keep the marriage is all on me. Sorry that you had backlash. Maybe you thought she could just pick a date and get over it! Unfortunately… you were the one that got to make all the decisions and we are left holding all of the broken pieces.
I agree with what you are saying. It will take its toll. It’s good to hear the other side. It’s been four years and I’m doing better but the intrinsic trust I had in him seems very damaged still to this day. I still want to snoop even though it makes me feel anxious and then bad about myself. He deals by not talking about it. And I guess four years out there should be no talk???? I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want reassurance a lot. That we are ok. Initially he was very remorseful. We talked a lot. Then he seemed to need to close the book. I think the way he deals is he compartmentalizes things and if I say anything that hints at my insecurity due to what he did he puts up a wall. I think he has to block himself from thinking about what he did and my talking makes him feel things he doesn’t want to feel about himself. I just wonder if I am just the kind of person who can’t get over this kind of thing. Is it normal? Then I was doing good not snooping and now I started again. It’s obsessive behavior. My gut tells me he is honestly not doing anything. But I’m compelled to want to find things to prove that is so. Or find things he did (I’ve found lots in the past). Or find things that shows he didn’t stop when he said. Nuts. Right? I could leave but I don’t think I’d trust anyone after this anyway.
What a loser you are. You say your wife needs anger management. What she needs is a real man in her life. Sweep her if her feet and show her a good time
I agree
It’s a question of loyalty. Some people value the edict of loyalty, understand the value of it- and choose it, when all the benefits of abandoning it are seducing them. Other’s don’t give a damn, and do what thrills them, and get the credit for conning their partner that is loyal to them, to believe they are loyal as well and reap all the benefits of it.
I have a huge problem with the whole, there might be a void that 3rd person was filling.
Bullshit! I had a void… All those nights he wasn’t home. All those days I wasn’t included in going with him for the day.
I don’t give a fuck what his void was. I was home everyday, taking care of his kids! While he was out filling someone else’s void. Fuck that!
OMG I love your response.My wife cheated on me for five years same bullshit excuse.”He was filling a void “FUCK that…
Yes. All of this. Exactly this.
Me too 🙁
So sad
Teresa – you’re my fucking hero. I’ve been screaming these exact words for 2 months. Oh, you felt lonely because our relationship was going through a rough patch, your self esteem was low? Poor baby! Maybe banging some random trash will validate you. Because you were the only one feeling lonely? I was home alone every night , feeling fantastic and fulfilled?
Agreed 100÷, the void thing is a bullshit flimsy excuse. We all have “voids”, yet not all of us are selfish/childish enough to use that as an attempt to justify infidelity.
If you lack the self control to be in a commited monogamous relationship, then don’t be in one. Period. Once you’re flirting with the idea of sleeping with someone other than your spouse/partner, then it’s time to fucking LEAVE.
It’s been 45 days since I found out. Same shit story, “I needed someone to talk to” yeah ok. Very heartbroken and disappointed. A cheater always a cheater. The bullshit void is an excuse to betray the person that really loves them. There is “NO” excuse!!!!
Amen sister
That’s exactly what I said. The counselor said that an affair is like a triangle. Sometimes the third person is needed to hold up the permanent relationship. What the fuck? Bullshit on bullshit. These are poor and selfish choices, plain and simple. If you’re not happy, say something or get out. Don’t use us up while you have your little pity party.
Yes!!!!!
Same here. Thank you.
I agree 100 percent. Fuck these cheating as assholes. My d day was 5 months ago. Been married 23 years to this man and Here comes some new vagina and he decides to throw our life away, it turns out she was the town whore.
Yes!! Thank you, that’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m so sorry you had to break up with your mistress? No. His void is nothing compared to mine.
I can’t help but agree.
my comment was posted for VIRAA
Oh Wow! I am in the same exact boat as you are. Were you two able to work things out? Did he truly stop being dishonest behind your back? Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated to no end. Thank you
I’m doomed 15 years and still can’t get no closure or do I need validation??or maybe a straitjacket??
I’m on year 3 & feel the same. It’s horrible. I’m so sorry your having such a hard time! 😩
It’s been almost 13 years and it still bothers me I still cringe when he touches me , some days are worse than other though but I’m not allowed to talk to him about it .
Unless he cares enough to listen to how you feel and accept the pain he caused you will continue to feel he does not really care. He wants to forget about it because looking at how selfish you were and realize how ugh destruction you have caused is painful.
My husband had an affair over 30 years ago. Unfortunately this woman chose to write to my husband recently. He destroyed the letter – good move on his part. However, he has chosen now to unload his guilt and give me details of this sexual affair, which quite frankly I didn’t want to know. I feel like my head is back some 30 years ago and remembering things that went on. I will add I didn’t have a bad mariage. Sex was always great and still is. His pathetic excuse for his behavior was that I started a new full time job.
I’m in the same boat you are in but it’s only been 1 year he cheated on me for 8 months with one lady and we been together for 8 years I can’t stop thinking about it all every day.
I found out 4 and a half years ago and I still have not been able to get over it. Maybe it’s because a child was produced from the affair. My husbands does not like talking about it either but sometimes I still just get so angry especially when he basically telling me to let it go and stop reliving the past. That would be easier said than done if every paycheck my husband gets does not remind me about the affair that basically destroyed my family, my son refuses to do anything with his dad. My daughter has finally started college and I had planned to start the separation process but this pandemic threw a wrench in my plans
16 years later and I still have triggers that put me back to the night I found out. Doesn’t matter how much stronger and loving this marriage is. I don’t think that pain can ever be healed. I understand you completely.
Agree, 10 years for me. Our children were 2, 5 and 7 at the time and his excuse was I wasn’t showing him enough attention. FFS I was just a tad busy. What really pisses me off is that I have always been a loyal and honest wife. Trust is crucial in a relationship. Our relationship atm is boring, meh and he is still selfish. I have learned that the only person that can change is yourself. My eldest is off to uni next year and the other two will be done and dusted in the blink of an eye. So I’m planning my transition. I’m getting my life in order, taking stock of what’s important to me. My kids are my top priority. I have set some goals and have started to achieve them and feel good about myself. I have inner calm for the first time since finding out about his affair. I’m moving forward with or without him. Life is way too short to be miserable. The sad thing is he will realise this but it will be a little too late.
p.s. I have discovered running and it has been the best ‘drug’ for getting my thoughts on track and staying focused. I deserve happiness, calm and to be loved unconditionally.
I discovered about 18 m9nths ago the first evidence of my husband’s infidelities, but tha5 was only the tip of the iceberg. Over the past 18 months I discovered that he has been cheating, repeatedly, mainly with prostitutes, of male, female and mixed genders. But also with other people he would meet on sex sites. I would say that he has been unfaithful and addicted to sex for the entire duration of our marriage. I was interested by what yo7 say- that it is possible to get over such horrors but one needs help. We consulted with an ordinary couple therapist, who never mentionned his activities/addictions and in the end I stopped going as the sessions seemed to be missing the point completely. What type of professional should one consult? Is it still possible to patch things up? How? Any advice welcome. It has been a terribly tough road….
Viraa,
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know your pain; for I have lived through it as well and I can confidently say that I am a better person for having gone through that. Despite the past, if your partner is very very open and willing to reconcile, it can most definitely be done. It takes a lot of work, but if it’s worth it to you and you feel that in your heart – not your head – you can do it! You need to heal yourself first though and for that I recommend a life coach rather than a counselor or therapist. A life coach is, in most cases, someone that you can reach out to at any point in time where a therapist will not usually even accept emails. When healing yourself, you need someone very near walking you through almost each and every step until you are strong enough to start healing the relationship. I feel that it’s imperative to heal yourself by staying clear of the cheater for at least 21 days and there’s many reasons why this is the case. I am in the process of revamping my life coach business to focus solely on infidelity survivors. Unfortunately, it is a very common theme and people don’t know how to handle it, especially on their own (without the person with which they used to run everything by). I hope you are doing better now since it’s been a few months since you posted this.
In Love and Light,
Melissa
Melissa, I am also a life coach, and 10 weeks out from D day. I am 70 years old (he’s 68 and just ended a 4year affair, totally out of character) and I have HUGE questions about what to do now. I was fortunate to find a trauma therapist around my age to work with. I’m happy you’re doing well and taking your coaching in this direction!
I am sorry but when it comes to trans gender and gay sex….gay is gay. And if youre not a man and thats what he wants…well time to let him go, regardless of what you have together. And to repeatedly have sex with them, im sorry but you got to be bent if youre even considering staying. Sorry girl but thats too damn much. Treat yourself better you deserve it.
Our story is so similar. My husband finally found and completed a Celebrate Recovery step study for sex addiction. It was life changing and really worked. It took him a year to complete but there were so many changes along that journey that I needed to see. I highly suggest Celebrate Recovery specifically the step study
Viraa, I totally understand the rough road you are on, and hope that by now you are finding some kind of peace. I am 2 1/2 months out from D day and am seeing a trauma therapist who is wonderful. She thinks that I need to heal my own childhood abuse and loss issues before I’ll be able to work with my husband’s infidelity of the past 4 years. In the meantime, I am living in a total hell, and he hates himself. Good luck to you!
Please see a sex addition therapist and affair recovery. Do NOT waste your time on a standard marriage counselor. They are likely to make it worse. You need a specialist. I am so sorry for your pain.
Viraa make sure you get a good counselor!!!!!
Better to know if they believe in marriage as a covenant or believe in an individual’s “HAPPINESS” (AT all costs). What I mean is my wife started an affair with this guy at the swimming pool no less, that involved lots of texting and secret hour long phone calls while ‘shopping’ etc. Locked her phone and deleted texts…
My counselor was great and helped me through the worst Christmas of my life and was inline with numerous articles I have read on this horrible subject.
Her counselor on the other hand at first seemed to help. BUT shortly in I noticed my wife getting worse after every visit. Found out instead of confronting my wife on the bullshit of her breaking marital vows, the counselor was exploring my wife’s ‘needs’ and I gathered there was talk of being in a “toxic relationship’ (see blame the relationship), because I was so upset and devastated. The counselor had my wife keep track of every one of my outbursts and was apparently helping her build a case as to why she needed out of the marriage of 34 years. So she has an emotional affair (at least) (she still has not confessed to it!) andam made out to be the person in the wrong!
She was also getting advice from her parents along the same lines as the case was building against me. (I feel betrayed in more than one front.)
Finally she decided to cut off seeing this “counselor”. I asked her what was the net- etc of seeing get-together at she was a lady. I asked if seeing this lady counselor gave her hope to rebuild our relationship or the opposite. She didn’t answer
BUT her conversations with her mom have subsided greatly and we are doing much better without BAD council!
See Psalm 1 ( blessed is he who does NOT walk IN the council of the Ungodly…) BTW ungodly does not mean immoral necessarily but that a person does not have the Lord in their lives…
Some counselos have a free evaluation where you can assess where they stand.
Hope you are healing. There is hop
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What exactly is “true remorse”?
You’ll know it when you see it.
The ” true remorse” is when you as a cheater feel the same way as I felt when you decided to “kill” me … Remorse is when you will feel the same pain, the same humiliation when you realize that you are NOT present, you are IGNORED, you don’t mean anything, you DO NOT count, your work does NOT matter, your life has been thrown in the deep, dark, maddy grave, when you are aware and know you die slowly and painful every day while you are alive, when you been told as you told me ” you have feelings” for the OW and you are afraid to break up with her because you don’t want to hurt her, you have ” NO reason” to end the relation with OW… When you realize you are NOTHING, you are just piece of SHIT … when NO one see you lose weight and die ….when you cried and begged me to let you go to the OW to FUCK her while I was alone in bed , praying and crying…. and had has great time fucking her and spending time with her…When you took her on vacations and lied to me that you needed to ” find out” if you will stay with her or with me ….when you feel the pain that I felt when you are eating tacos at midnight at the Taco truck next the Matrix Casino then you took her to hotel to fuck her again, again….while I was working night shift in the hospital to make money for her flowers, hotels, restaurants, gifts, vacation, ATV cars, etc….
You will NEVER understand “REMORSE’ because you were never taught LOVE and RESPECT… because you grew up in a loveless family…
Bottom line it is too late, too much water under bridge for you to understand remorse after you cheated, lied and killed me, the woman that I was ready give away my life to save yours..
And you did it to experience a new sexual fantasy, to have a new pussy, acctally for a whore who wanted your money and for you ONLY that pussy counted….
But this is who you are and I believe you NEVER change because you don’t know better
Soooooo Sad….
Wow, I feel you! I hope you are young enough to be able to just drop this relationship and save yourself. I’m 70 and don’t know yet what I’ll do about my marriage. You don’t deserve this, neither did I.
I think it’s when lies, excuses, secrets and arrogance are released.
I just found out that my fiancé was cheating with a coworker for the last 2 years. Early in our relationship he lost his job and had to become more financially dependent on me because his new job doesn’t pay as much. He has two kids from a previous marriage and gets hit pretty hard with child support. He is a great dad and we have the kids all holidays and summer. His relationship with his ex wife wasn’t too great, she actually cheated on him with their next door neighbor and ended up marrying him. She also uses his kids as pawns to try and control him. His relationship after his divorce was pretty tragic too. When we got together things were great except for his ex-wife not allowing him to see his kids just because he was with someone new even though they had divorced over 10 years ago and he has dated since then. She was ok with the relationship before me because his ex didn’t treat him well. When I came along and she saw him happy she did anything she could to destroy it but we stuck together and eventually she stopped keeping the kids away. I have a great relationship with them and the youngest wanted to move in with us. We were great until the job loss. He became depressed and his self-esteem was non-existent. At the same time I started having health issues but he felt so low about himself that in the beginning he thought I was making up not feeling well because I didn’t want him and he didn’t measure up to people from my past. I tried to reassure him over and over again and actually convinced him to see someone about the depression and he is on anti-depressants now. I’m a therapist myself and have told him he needs counseling. He would be down a lot or angry and wouldn’t open up about things. I found out on Christmas that he slept with a coworker in 2014 when we were going through all the drama of his exes trying to keep us apart. It turns out that he continued to sleep with her from time to time when he was in his really low state but she ended up developing feelings and threatening to tell. After that he started to tell her he cared about her and even told her he loved her to try and appease her and keep her from telling me before he could. It didn’t work and she ended up messaging me on Christmas telling me they were in a relationship for 2 years and she saw him every single day which I didn’t understand how that was possible but I believed her at first. I asked if she had any photos of them together and she said no they never took pictures but he was her boyfriend and she didn’t know about me until now. I thought it was strange that she didn’t see red flag she that her “boyfriend” never spent the night, she never went to his house, they never went on dates, and never met any family or his kids over 2 years. I was devasted and still am but he has told me that it wasn’t a relationship at all and she did know about me. She told him if he was to going to be with her she would tell me things to make sure I wouldn’t either. He says it did happen multiple times over the span of the two years but was sporadic and when he felt like I didn’t want him and he was down and depressed he went there. We have since found out I have an autoimmune disease and some heart issues and he sees now that it was never that I didn’t want him but I really wasn’t well. We still had sex but it wasn’t enough I guess and he felt I was just doing it for him which isn’t true. With that being said he says he never had feelings for her but knew she was available when he felt he needed a pick me up I guess but he said it always made him feel guilty and unfulfilled. Since we live together the first night I found out I told him he can stay on the couch then figure out what to do (in my mind I thought he would just go to his “girlfriends” house not knowing that she was exaggerating the situation to make sure I would leave him). He feels so much shame and guilt that he has been staying at a homesless shelter and it breaks my heart. He says he doesn’t deserve to come home because I am such a good person and have taken care of him and his kids and he loves me so much and he is so disgusted with himself he feels he doesn’t deserve to come home. He picks up clothes in the morning or after work then heads back for check in time at the shelter. I told him as hurt as I am this is still his home. When we do wee each other we cry hysterically. To make matters worse we are moving this weekend to a different town home and things are so up in the air I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can trust him again but have agreed to counseling and he admitted he also needs to get individual counseling as well. I feel so betrayed and disrespected and hurt but at the same time I feel bad for how he is feeling and worry so much about his depression and being in that shelter. I trusted him completely and never saw this coming while he was insecure and doubted that I wanted him because he wasn’t good enough and thought maybe I had someone else but I was the faithful one. I’m lost. I don’t know if I should walk away or at least give counseling a try to see if I can try and learn to trust him ever again. He said he doesn’t want to stop fighting for me but also thinks I deserve better. When we first got together he lied about having a degree because he thought since I have a Masters I wouldn’t give him a chance. I’m constantly trying to reassure him of his worth but I can’t make him feel good about himself which I believe is what caused this in the first place. I do know he loves me but he struggles with me still being the breadwinner. I always tell him it is temporary and one day that will change but it doesn’t help. He hasn’t had any contact with the person he cheated with and wants nothing to do with her. She is now trying to call from private numbers and she even asked me if we worked things out, I guess to see if her plan worked. I just don’t know what to do with this move, this relationship, and my broken heart.
Hi Michelle,
Are you in our Facebook Support Group? https://www.facebook.com/groups/SOS.relationshipsupport/
Otherwise, I will write an article about this situation during this week, as it is so common for the OW (other woman) to keep intruding in the marriage.
I am not a member but just sent a request to join. Thank you! Where can I find the article? She has contacted him twice since everything happened and he told me about both, ignored the first and told her he has nothing to say to her the second attempt. I’m sure she will keep trying. Thanks again.
Can u give me advice how to advise my husand (who cheated on me after 33 years of a relatively normal and at times very happy marriage with 6 kids- for 2 years and with 2 different people) and who now keeps repeating canned message – I was wrong, u didn’t deserve it, there is no justification for it, it is all my fault- to move to the stage when i can ‘see’ that he is truly and deeply remorseful and it is not just a case to say sorry, now let’s move on.
how can i advise him to show ME that he knows his behavior is unforgiveable, but i am willing to forgive if i see true remorse
Discussing and showing remorse I think makes the person who committed adultery feel horrible. It makes them afraid they are not worth you or forgiveness. If they fear if they talk and let you see everything you will leave. Because if they are honest they abandoned you for much less reason then adultery. They were willing to leave and hurt you without you being unfaithful. They do not want to face the reality that they have caused pennant damage to their marriage and to someone they love. You may have had problems but they choose not to work on them and seek fulfillment somewhere else. We are all weak. We all fail just not in the Sam ways. Being betrayed by the person you love and trust above all others leaves scares forever. The adultery gets over it, they want to forget. They don’t feel they should have to suffer for something that happened years and years ago. But you suffer. You stay quiet because you do not want them to feel bad. Doubts, fears, secrets, worry when is gone, insecurity loose of self respect that stays for you.