With millions of women in the world, from hundreds of countries, and cultures, and belief systems, and value systems…. your guess is as good as mine as to why a specific woman would cheat on her man.
But as a psychologist that deals with infidelity exclusively let me share with you the profile of a couple that comes into my Las Vegas clinic. The type of woman that cheats on her husband isn’t what most of you think. She isn’t a Las Vegas party girl that’s out every night, rolls home drunk at 3am from an “Girls Night Out” or an “uneducated cocktail waitress.” In fact, it’s not the party seen that causes the infidelity problems in long-term marriages – even in Las Vegas & L.A.
The typical wife that has cheated on her husband, will be found at one of the local churches every Sunday. She will be seeing patients in her medical practice. She will be helping at the school canteen. She’ll be teaching at a local school. She maybe one of your local politicians.
If you are the husband of a cheating wife you are now trying to work out what is going on in your woman’s head. WHY did she cheat on you? You are thinking about this, all day, every day, since you found out. It is driving you insane. Your pride as a man has taken a huge blow. If you have children, you look at their faces and wonder “how can she risk the family’s future.” You soon discover your wife has lied to you on many occasions and has an “emotional connection” with another man.
So in the spirit of understanding human nature, and avoiding painful situations, let’s explore some of the variables of why a woman may cheat, and the types of women who are more likely to cheat.
If you are looking for a program to help you move forward and process your wife’s cheating, then Kevin Jackson has written a program exclusively for men. Kevin is NOT a therapist, but he has researched this area in great detail and provides a successful and solid program, just for men. You can find more information about Kevin and his work – CLICK HERE.
It all begins with an individuals attachment style….
You could be the best boyfriend or husband in the world. But if your wife or girlfriend struggles with an attachment disorder of some kind, then you could be facing some challenges. The problem with most attachment disorders is that you don’t know that you have an attachment disorder. You just blame the current spouse for how your feeling. And then depending on your age, and how many relationships you’ve had, you could start to see patterns occurring in your life.
Research suggests that people with insecure attachment styles are more likely to struggle with fidelity, though for different reasons, depending on the type of insecurity.
Those with anxious attachment styles who will tend to doubt their partner’s love and need excessive reassurance, are more likely to cheat as a way of seeking greater intimacy.
On the other hand, someone with an avoidant attachment style , characterized by discomfort with closeness, may have an affair in an effort to gain space and freedom from a partner.
Unfortunately, attachment style issues require counseling. There is nothing you can say at home that is going to fix an early childhood wound. This is a job for a professional!
Adopted children often have attachment style injuries as adults, and have challenges in their adult relationships with fidelity. (Similar issues as above)
Maybe when you met each other, you were on like rabbits. Or perhaps you both had no idea on what you were doing, but you worked it out along the way. Sure you have had to work long hours and haven’t felt like it, but either has she…..or some version of that story.
Or maybe, she has been just faking it, so you think she is happy – but she is not! (See the anxious attachment style above). This happens a lot in long term marriages, where the wife will let the husband “have his way” once a week. The sex ritual is like a well timed dance. After a few minutes, the dance is finished, the husband relieved but the wife emotionally and physically unsatisfied.
So many women lie about their sexual satisfaction in the bedroom, that they need to turn to other men for emotional connection. I have been saying for years now, sex and friendship are the two single most important keys which keep a couple happy and together – long term. And for a woman, similarity in sexual values is relevant to sexual satisfaction and to prevent her from cheating.
- So far away from one’s partner, yet so close to romantic alternatives: avoidant attachment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. Dewall CN1, Lambert NM, Slotter EB, Pond RS, Deckman T, Finkel EJ, Luchies LB, Fincham FD.
Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage?Russell, V. Michelle; Baker, Levi R.; McNulty, James K.Journal of Family Psychology, Vol 27(2), Apr 2013, 242-251. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0032118