I was the one who cheated

“I was the one that cheated”

Question:

After many years of telling my husband I was unhappy I decided to start working on myself. He never made any effort to work on things with me he’d rather be on his computer.

I started going to a support group and made a friend and we spent a lot of time together and after months of just close friendship he kissed me. I left my husband after confessing this… I was just done. Then he cared but at that time I was so angry I didn’t.

Eventually I came to the realization that I still wanted to be with him. Now I am back at home, I get treated like I’m trash by his family but Ive always been here talking care of the house,being the main bread winner and raising our children. Our relationship is so one sided and nothing has changed except now he says he can’t trust me even though I am always at home and every once an a while I visit my niece. I don’t see more friends (don’t really have time to) but he continues to go out and won’t tell me where he’s going. He keeps acting like I’m the bad guy and while I know what I did was wrong,he was far from blameless in this whole thing.

I’m willing to deal with consequences for my actions but right now this feels like abuse. Its  been going on for a year now. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I just had get it out of my own head.

 – Cheating Wife

Dr. Savannah Ellis Answers:

As an infidelity recovery counselor, I just want to say that you are very brave in talking ownership of your actions. You are NOT going to get alot of sympathy – but I am hoping that you are not expecting it. That doesn’t mean you have to live for the rest of your life with guilt. It IS so important you do reach out for help, and thats what you are doing. It is better to deal with this entire issue now, than just hope that in time it will “all blow over.”

Now for advice. You need to see a counselor, coach, church minister etc ASAP. Your situation is following a common pattern, where people do what comes naturally when they haven’t been taught any other skills on how to cope with trauma. But can you afford the one-on-one help? I know its not cheap and not always covered by health care plans. You cannot do it by yourself or just with each other. There is too much pain to work through. You are just as frustrated as him, in many ways. So there has to be a neural 3rd person to guide you down a VERY NARROW PATH.

A cheaper option for both of you, is to at least attend a relationship seminar in your local area. Its important for you both to understand WHY you are both together now. It has to be because, deep down, you really do love each other, you both let STUFF (called life) get in the way – and that is NORMAL. You just didn’t have the communication skills to express what you NEED to him, so you looked to fill those gaps n another person. And you found out that HE is the only one you want to fill those gaps (…..and its a communication issue that surfaced from your upbringing, but I won’t get too deep.)

YOU need to take the lead, and treat him like you want to be treated. Do this for at least 3 weeks – WITH NO EXPECTATION OF ANYTHING IN RETURN. He will see that you are serious about change, and then may wish to change too. Or perhaps he will be willing to work IMMEDIATE changes together. READ a few books on affair recovery. Ask him if he would be willing to spend 30 minutes per day talking about relationship change and the affair/s. And I do mean everyday.

I hope this little piece of advice helps you. And I am happy you put your hand up for help. Stay strong.

 

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/2012-07-26-08.10.54.jpg[/author_image] [author_info]Dr. Savannah Ellis is a Clinical Psychologist, Founder of the Infidelity Recovery Institute, creator of the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Program. Make an appointment with Dr. Ellis, or check out Savannah’s published books on relationships & infidelity. [/author_info] [/author]