Affair Recovery, Depression, Personal Healing
How to Deal with Depression and Stress After Infidelity
Mar
So, it’s happened. Words cannot convey the pain you feel after finding out that your significant other has cheated on you; perhaps you thought your marriage was great- perhaps you knew there were some issues that needed to be worked on- regardless of the situation, you didn’t expect this.
Infidelity shakes us to our core- it takes a healthy marriage and leaves in its place doubt, fear, anxiety, and pain. It’s normal to feel this way. In fact, it’d be strange if you didn’t. After all, this person is someone who you’ve committed your life to, someone you’ve trusted enough to marry, and they’ve taken your trust and shattered it. What do you do? How do you deal with the depression and stress that you’re faced with, now that you’ve learned of their betrayal? Can you come back from it? Do you even want to?
While we can’t answer that question for you, we can help you learn to heal from it. Studies say that up to 50% of marriages last through extramarital affairs. This is for several reasons- and you and your spouse can work through them, rather than giving up, or (as they have already done) seeking satisfaction elsewhere.
1. Understand the Cause of the Problem
First, it’s important to understand that affairs are usually a symptom of a problem, rather than a cause. Is this true 100% of the time? No, not always. Some people are selfish and merely want what they want, when they want it, regardless of the consequences. But for the majority of couples, infidelity comes about as a result of other, unaddressed, issues in the relationship. Maybe there’s something lacking, or there are problems with communication- whatever it is, these are the issues that need to be overcome in the relationship. The infidelity has you feeling broken, but the underlying causes are the true devils here. Working on these will help you build a stronger relationship, begin to trust each other again, and help you heal from the damage that’s already been done.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Too often, the one who is cheated on is pressured to chin-up, power through, and suppress all those negative emotions they’ve got going on. Whether this comes from the spouse who’s done the cheating, well-meaning family members, or uneducated friends who, really, just want the best for you, the problem here is that you’ve experienced real trauma. In the same way that a soldier can have flashbacks, you’ve been through an incident that has caused and will continue to cause you immeasurable pain. And that’s ok. Your trauma is no less significant than anyone else’s, and giving yourself permission to feel is the first step in learning to deal with what’s happened. Grieve for what’s lost- the confidence, the teamwork, the togetherness that you two shared. Grieve, and when you’re ready, you can move forward in your relationship.
3. Seek Counselling
We’re lucky- in this day and age counselling services are widely available. In the past we knew less about psychology and were more likely to do as we talked about above- attempt to simply soldier through. But nowadays, we’ve got access to professional services whose sole job is to help us work through cases of infidelity. While you may not yet feel comfortable seeking support with your spouse (have you finished grieving?), there is always help available for you as a person. A counselor can help you understand how
you’re feeling and can give you valuable guidance on how to proceed. They’ve got a wealth of information and training available for you to take advantage of and can be one of the biggest factors of change in your life, helping you overcome the negative emotions and stresses that you’re feeling as a result of your spouse’s betrayal.
4. Learn to Let Go
This one is perhaps the hardest to hear. No one ever, ever, wants to let the infidelity go. Why should you? It’s made its mark on you in so many ways- affected nearly every aspect of your life- so what reasons can you give to let it leave your life? Success is the reason. Your peace of mind is the reason. If you’re truly, truly, looking to recover from your partner’s infidelity, then you need to learn to let go of what they did. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give, and you’re the only one who can give it. Forgiving them is the only way you can move forward. It might feel incredibly vulnerable while you’re doing it- after all, you’re putting yourself out there- but finding it in your heart to give them peace will bring that same gift to you. Learn to forgive and learn to heal yourself.
We know that infidelity rocks a relationship. It puts untold stresses on both you and your partner and can lead to some serious depression and stress within your own life. Applying these four strategies can help you overcome the pain and begin to grow whole again. That’s what you deserve.
[box] Suzie Wolfer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Somatic Experiencing Professional. She has over 25,000 hours in face to face work with clients, and also worked in the business world in international trade as well as a University research director and as a professional artist and teacher. You can read more about Suzie and Counseling Services of Portland by visiting their website.”[/box]
Resources:
- Haltzman, Scott, M.D.The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press, 2013.
- https://evolutioncounseling.com/infidelity-as-a-symptom-of-unaddressed-relationship-problems/
- http://psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/popuartic-alyssa-siegel-my-cheating-heart/
- https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-recovery/affair-recovery-obsessions-and-flashbacks/how-to-handle-hypervigilance/
- https://patch.com/georgia/decatur/bp–how-to-cope-with-infidelity-and-the-anxiety-it-brings
- http://beyondaffairs.com/affair-recovery/strategies-to-combat-obsessive-thoughts/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200810/infidelity-leave
Ms. Wolfer made no mention of how the cheated-on individual can deal with depression and find happiness. The article is instead a call to reconcile.
Studies may indeed show up to half of marriages “last through extramarital affairs.” I wonder how many of that 50 percent are doing more than lasting through the relationship. I hope it’s all of them, but the odds aren’t good, especially with the subtle and not-so-subtle nudging of professionals like Ms. Wolfer.
Counselors can be helpful, but this article could have been a simple ad: Feeling depressed? Call a psychologist!
Ms. Wolfer is correct that learning to forgive is so valuable, but even here, she focuses on its effects on the cheating partner. The cheated-on has to forgive — and do it a lot more often than most people realize, over and over — as a way to be at peace with something outside her or his control. “I forgive you” means a terrible debt is forever set aside, but very good decisions can also be made that set aside more than just that terrible debt, including the sundering of long relationships that created children, dreams, and memories that aren’t quite as real as they once seemed.
Instead, why not publish an article that focuses on what an individual in a relationship — one who has had a horrible situation thrust upon her or him — can do to heal as an individual since, in fairness, it’s pretty clear the other person in the relationship was not interested in their partner’s health and happiness? Is the author asking someone who has been cheated on to look at the underlying causes of their partner’s infidelity as a way to begin to overcome depression? “Working on these,” wrote Ms. Wolfer, “will help you build a stronger relationship, begin to trust each other again, and help you heal from the damage that’s already been done.” The presumption, and it’s sickening to me, is that the relationship is paramount, but you’ll feel more peaceful about bringing peace to another, so that’s good for you. It’s a small example of the double whammy the cheated-on faces: The cheater showed the relationship was not paramount, but it falls to the cheated-on — usually the person who had to do the finding out, too — to recognize, at the very least, their part in their partner’s vulnerability to an affair. You know, those underlying causes that, according to Ms. Wolfer, are the true devils here.
Let’s cut to it, folks. Infidelity involves abuse, and a lot of it. Please treat the abused.