Should you report infidelity to the betrayed spouse?

If you are reading this article, perhaps you just discovered your partners’ infidelity, and you wish to share this news with the other betrayed spouse. Or maybe you know of a family member who is cheating, and you wish to inform the betrayed family member. And perhaps you know of a friend who has a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend and you’re wondering if you should share this betrayal with your friend. The decision on sharing traumatic news with anyone is extremely difficult. Should you ever expose infidelity to the betrayed spouse? This is a really tricky question and there are many considerations to think about before you share such traumatic information with anybody.

In this blog post, I will discuss how you should expose the affair to the betrayed spouse. And we will look at some of the pros and cons of exposing affairs. We begin with a case study and ask you what would you do if you were in this situation. So make sure you leave your opinion in the comment section at the end of this article.

It is our position at the Infidelity Recovery Institute, affairs should be exposed to the betrayed spouse, as soon as possible. Especially if the reason isn’t for vengeance, but for the purpose of ending an affair, to save a marriage. Marriage counselors hear thousands of stories of why affairs start, and how they are kept in motion for such a long period of time. The best way to ensure the infidelity stops is to expose the affair to the betrayed spouse. Once the affair is exposed, the reasons for why the affair started need to be discussed as a couple, so each person understands what they are dealing with in their relationship. People are then able to make up their mind on whether they should stay, or if they should go.

“The purpose of exposure is not to embarrass or punish the unfaithful spouse. It’s to help end the suffering of the betrayed spouse and restore the marriage as soon as possible. Unless we take precautions to avoid an affair, we’ll succumb to the temptation when it’s presented. But that doesn’t make them any less painful. And exposure greatly helps limit the pain that they cause.”

Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD

Another reason why you should expose the affair, is to stop the affair cycle. Once an individual has an affair, it’s likely that they will continue cheating if the occasion arises. Affairs are one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it’s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when the toxic behaviour is exposed. Unfortunately, cheating is second nature to those who are predisposed (for various reasons) to infidelity.  Exposing the affair forces the cheater to be accountable for their actions. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense.

Once the seal of honesty is broken in a relationship, it requires resetting, should the relationship have a chance of commitment and monogamy in the future. Exposure of an affair can help both people learn new communication skills and conflict resolution skills, so they can express their needs with honesty. These skills are just as important for the individual as they are for the couple. When people can live a more authentic and honest life together, happiness is the outcome. Having transparency in any committed relationship is what you’re aiming for!

Case Study: Should you tell your friend their spouse is cheating?

Last Saturday Frank decided to visit me. We have known each other since college. So, on that fateful morning, he called me on phone and requested to visit for lunch. I accepted because I really wanted to see him. The last time I saw him was four years ago when I attended his mother’s funeral.

While I was expecting his arrival that afternoon, I started reminiscing our college days. I remembered him, his wife and kids and those thoughts made me smile. One unique thing about him is that he likes to do things the right way. He hates making mistakes and when he does he quickly makes correction. He was nicknamed “Mr. Perfect “.

I also remembered Jerry, Frank’s best friend. Those two have always been inseparable. Amidst my thoughts, I heard the sound of the doorbell and when I answered it, out there stood Frank, looking as cute as ever. I was so happy to see him. After a warm welcome and little refreshment, we got talking about everything. While we were discussing, I asked him of Jerry then he narrated how their relationship got ruined.

“Jerry and I have been good friends in the last 10 years. I have always considered him as my brother and I love him so much. When you love your brother, you would want to protect him from anything that might hurt him.

Two years ago, Jerry got divorced after his ex-wife decided to cheat. She had filed a divorce so she could get married to her lover. That incident really hurt Jerry because he had loved her so much.

After a while, he decided to remarry and that was how Sylvia got into his life. The first day he introduced her to me, I just didn’t like her.  Looking at her appearance and attitude, I knew she wasn’t the right person for him. After she left that day, I asked Jerry if he was certain he wanted to have a serious relationship with her and he said yes.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to judge her since I barely knew anything about her but deep inside me, I had a strong conviction that she wasn’t the type of woman who would treat my friend right.

Few months after they got married, I was hanging out in a hotel one evening when I saw Jerry’s wife walk in with another guy. They were both holding hands and I watched as they booked a room, collected the keys and walked away.

When I made inquiry, I found out that she often came to that hotel with her different lovers. Well, I felt really bad and decided to tell Jerry. I knew the truth would hurt so I was confused on what to do. Initially, I thought of taking pictures of his wife and lover but on a second thought, I decided on something else.

I found out the next time she would visit the hotel and, on that day, I arrived earlier and waited for her to come. Few minutes later, she came in with her partner and as usual they went into the room. I took note of the room number then I called her husband to that venue. I asked him to meet up with me at same room number. I didn’t mention anything about his wife’s infidelity.

From afar, I watched as he went to the room and knocked. Guess who opened the door? His wife and she was wearing just her under wears. At that point, I left the scene.

After that incident, Jerry called me up and was really mad at me. He said I shouldn’t have exposed the truth and he really felt bad about it. He also told his wife that I was the one that told him of her dealings and that made her pick a fight with me. According to them, I shouldn’t have interfered in their relationship and everyone blamed me for being responsible for all the chaos that resulted.”

Should you always report infidelity to the betrayed spouse?

Nobody likes to witness an infidelity and even more if the affected person is your friend. When you find out that your friend’s spouse has a lover, most times you would be tempted to spill the beans. Just like Frank, you might get overwhelmed with emotions that could affect your peace and tranquility especially if you are very close to the couple.

What do you think is the best thing to do? Confront the cheating partner, tell the betrayed partner or mind your business?

Before you make up your mind, here are some considerations for you to think about before you expose the affair to the betrayed spouse.

6 Considerations before exposing infidelity to the Unknown Betrayed Spouse

1. Is it safe for you? – Sharing intimate details about a situation that is so life-changing to an individual who has been betrayed, can be fraught with danger. Do you know if they will retaliate, try and damage your reputation? Or even worse, attempted to attack you in someway? Are you willing to change your phone number? Close an email account and create a new one? Quit your job? Break your lease and move? You should also consider, would it be safe for the unfaithful spouse. While they may have cheated, you would not want to compromise their physical safety should you know the betrayed partner becomes physically violent.
2. Do they have an open marriage or some level of agreement? It’s important, you don’t judge somebody else’s relationship based on your own value system. Some people don’t mind their spouse, cheating, and turning a blind eye for various reasons. Other people have allowances for infidelity in their relationship. My tip is try not to make any judgemental statements when you’re sharing the facts of the infidelity to the betrayed spouse. Simply leave the information with them to do with it what they please.
3. Do you have proof? Make sure you have proof before you say anything. If it’s not pictures, at least have the exact timing or locations of one of the infidelities that this unknown person can fact-check on their own. It’s really important that you know this knowledge to be 100% true.
4. How involved in this matter do you want to stay? When you share this level of information with a betrayed spouse, they may wish to ask you for more information. Are you ready to give this information or are you ready to just drop the information and never be heard of again? While you have no obligation to do any of what they’re asking of you, refusal isn’t going to be enough to get you out of the drama. Some will keep calling, texting, or emailing you. They’ll beg, demand, and threaten. And of course, the cheating spouse will probably be reaching out too — mainly to have their say over what you just did to their life. So before you tell the cheater’s spouse, decide if you want all that drama in your life. Many times, once you expose this information, they may just thank you and deal with it on their own. If this is the case you should leave them alone and not follow up. You have done your part.
5. Are you expecting gratitude? If you are, then don’t be. Finding out your partner has cheated on you is devastating and shocking. If the individual does remember to circle back and thank you, it probably won’t be for a very long time. Allow them the time to process the information and decipher what they will do with the information. Once again, you have done your part, now just move along without any expectation.
6. How connected are you to the individuals in this matter? This could be, perhaps the most important consideration, especially if the people are in your social group or family. If they get back together, what will happen to you? Will you feel comfortable interacting with these people socially again, or will it push you outside of the circle? You will need to decide if your value system and beliefs have been violated enough for you to rather be away from everybody if it came down to it.

10 Rules to consider before exposing infidelity to a Friend

These are some good rules to consider if you’re thinking about exposing the affair to a friend. There are certain ‘rules’ that you must consider before reporting an infidelity.  Let us consider some of them.

1.  No room for assumptions:  You must be sure that there are no mistakes and that the individual is truly being unfaithful.  Don’t rely on assumptions and suspicion. Be sure before you speak.
2.  Don’t rely on gossip: If you got the gist from a third party, it’s better to ignore it until you have checked it out. Gossip is a frequent cause of divorce and is often a product of imagination, jealousy, and envy of people who do not find their own happiness.
3.  Talk to the unfaithful partner:  if you’re familiar with the people, this is often a great step to take before you expose the infidelity to the betrayed spouse – Tell them you already know what is happening and show them some evidence.  You can ask the unfaithful partner to confess to their spouse and desist from such a lifestyle.
4. Ask for your friend’s opinion:  You can ask a simple question like “If your spouse was caught cheating on you, would you prefer to be told about it or not?” There are some people who would prefer not to be told so if your friend is such type, then you should seal your lips.
5. Choose an appropriate location:  Such heartbreaking news should be shared in private places. You can invite her to your house, then make her feel at home before disclosing the information.
6. Analyze the scenario:  If your friend is going through a difficult challenge you might decide to keep the information from her until when she is fit. For example, you don’t tell much to someone who is vulnerable to a heart attack. Be sure the individual is fit to hear the news before you spill it.
7. Go straight to the point:  Do not beat around the bush instead give the news calmly without exaggerating or explaining too many details.
8. Present evidence:  Your words may be unconvincing to a person in love who blindly trusts his partner. If you have the opportunity to present any evidence such as photos, videos, or testimonies it will be much more credible.
9. Get ready:  The reactions your friend takes can be completely opposite to what you had expected. From outbursts of rage to denial, everything is possible when a heart is hurt. If your friend suddenly becomes angry at you, do not feel that she is ungrateful. Try to understand how she feels and give her your shoulder to cry on if she needs help.
10. Don’t add salt to the wound After exposing the truth, it would be very wrong to add salt to the injury. Avoid statements like: “I have always known he’s such a bad person. You shouldn’t have trusted him.” “You shouldn’t forgive him instead you should get him out of your life” It would be wrong to influence her decision after exposing the truth to her. Besides, don’t forget that you might not know what the real situation is, and if the couple reaches a reconciliation, the only person that will be left unwelcome will be you.  So just talk about the infidelity and don’t try to make the situation worse than it already is.

How should you share painful information?

If you have read this far, and you are confident you should share the infidelity with the betrayed spouse, here are some additional tips on how you should go about doing so.

People ask me, when should they tell the betrayed spouse about the infidelity, and I always answer …….as soon as possible!

It can be tempting to throw out all the juicy details in full colour, but I totally advise against doing so. You should only provide enough information to prove the infidelity factual and nothing more. When you deliver the news, share it in a way that you would also like to receive this type of news.

How should you tell the person? I also advise not to tell the person face-to-face. The initial response will probably be of shock and you do not want to be the recipient of verbal abuse or any other type of negative reaction. For the same reason a phone call could also prove to be challenging.

The best way would be to write a letter where the person could process the information in their own time. However, as we live in an age of social media and sharing information via social media is becoming more acceptable, you may wish to share the infidelity directly to the individuals’ messaging system.

Another question can come up about telling other family members and friends, or perhaps the cheaters’ work colleagues. I believe you should only share the infidelity directly with the betrayed spouse. Allow the betrayed individual to process the information and determine what reaction they are going to have to this news. They will then share or not share the infidelity with people closest to them.

Cons of exposing affairs

Many affair types involve a narcissistic individual and somebody who is codependent. When a codependent, betrayed spouse discovers infidelity, it can be extremely traumatic for many reasons. One of the reasons is, they know that the exposure may drive the unfaithful spouse away. Many unfaithful spouses feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed. The gaslighting will begin, and it is sometimes the betrayed spouse who will be called the liar.

If you are sharing the news of infidelity with somebody you know is in a codependent relationship with their spouse, don’t try and push them into leaving the relationship. Share the information that you have, offer your support if you desire, and leave it to them as to what they should do next. It is best they seek therapy and do their own research on their affair type, as they will need a support system to move through the painful, emotional entanglements they have with the unfaithful spouse.

What are your thoughts?

Ultimately, you need to use your best judgment before you share information of this magnitude with the betrayed spouse. Consider some of the items above. It’s obviously up to you whether or not you share this information.

But keep in mind that while telling the cheater’s partner may feel like the “right” thing to do, it’s not quite that simple. As much as you may want to protect that stranger’s feelings, your overall well-being and safety are the most important things to weigh when making your decision

Before leaving I would like you to share your opinion on the topic discussed. Would you want someone else to report your spouse’s infidelity to you? If you saw your neighbor’s or best friend’s spouse cheating, would you tell or act like you never saw anything?

Leave your comments below!!!

Originally published: August 18, 2018

Updated: June 3, 2023

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