How does a child feel when his parents get separated?

Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of children when their parents quarrel, fight and get separated? There is a popular saying: “When the elephants fight, the grasses suffer”. This can be used to represent what happens to the kids that find themselves in a broken home.

One of the major dangers of a divorce is that it could alter the emotional balance of a child on a long or short term.  These kids grow up either feeling guilty or judging their parents for depriving them of the joy of living together as a family.

Most kids are not happy when their parents get separated. Deep inside they often wish for a miracle which sometimes never comes. If not monitored carefully, these kids grow up with a negative perception about life and marriage, which in turn influences the choices they make. It could also affect their school grades and their general interaction with people.

Some kids were interviewed on how they felt after their parents got divorced and these are some of their responses.

Mariam, 27: “They forgot we needed each of them”

“I was 12 years old when my parents got divorced and my mum was given custody of the kids. While staying with her, I and my two sisters looked forward to seeing my dad since she had permitted him to visit us at any time.  But guess what? He never cared to visit. As kids, we were terribly hurt and felt our dad had abandoned us.

While they planned for a divorce they never knew that we needed the presence of both parents. I wanted them to tell us what our future would be after their divorce. But they never asked for our opinion. Being the eldest, I was the one that had to provide answers to the questions of my little sisters when they noticed that mum and dad had started living separately.”

Juliet, 28: “In the evening, I prayed that they would not kill each other.”

“My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. That was after spending two years quarreling and insulting each other every single day.  It was somehow a relief for me because back then while they quarreled I used to sit in the corner and pray they don’t kill each other. But when the quarrels continued, I prayed for a separation. “If one must die, it should be my dad,” I thought to myself.

When my parents finally got divorced, I felt responsible for it and couldn’t forgive myself. Maybe my prayers were heard or maybe I should have prayed for peace instead of separation. I was overwhelmed with guilt and it took many years to let go of such feeling.“

Elijah, 19: “I hated everyone.”

“My parents’ divorce made me feel I was the unluckiest person in the world. I had to stay with my dad because my mum had abandoned me to marry her lover. I suffered from loneliness and depression. That year when their divorce was finalized, I failed terribly in school and wanted to stop schooling but my dad refused.

I grew up with hatred for my mum because I felt she didn’t love me. Everything got worst when my dad’s girlfriend moved in with us. I hated her too. I hated everyone. In order to find inner peace, I tried taking drugs and that was how I developed my addiction.”

Chloe, 21: “He was a selfish dad.”

“My parents have been divorced for almost four years. My father left for another woman. It was so painful to watch him leave after being married to my mum for twenty years. The most painful part was to see him go after my mother for money.  My dad is very selfish and only thinks of his comfort. I grew up having this hatred for him because each time I looked at him, I knew he didn’t love me nor my mum anymore. He only loved himself. Due to that incident, I found it difficult to fall in love with a man because he might just turn out like my dad.”

Melina, 12: “I never imagined what it would become.”

“My friends whose parents were divorced had told me that a divorce isn’t always bad because you get the chance to live in two different houses and get lots of gifts from both parents. Initially, I believed what they said but when my parents got separated a year ago, I realized that my friends had lied. I wasn’t interested in shuttling two different apartments. I wasn’t interested in the gifts my dad bought each time he visited. I missed living together as a family.

When my parents told me of the separation, they explained that henceforth,  I would have to spend one week with dad and the other week with mum. Initially, I wasn’t happy with the new arrangement so each time I was with any one of them, they tried to keep me happy. Well, as time went on, I and my little brother got used to it.”

A divorce often introduces a massive change in the life of a child irrespective of his/her age. So, while considering a divorce, the parents shouldn’t neglect the feelings of the children. For kids that are grown, the parents must communicate with them. Don’t act too busy with the divorce process instead, create time to listen to your child’s feelings. He/she might be feeling guilty, depressed, lonely or even suicidal. I guess you don’t want to lose your child’s sanity alongside your marriage.  Talk to your kids and make them understand the reasons for the separation.

To keep the child happy after a divorce, the parents should avoid unnecessary quarrels with regards to child custody and expenses. Also, every parent should desist from turning the heart of the kids against the other parent. If you love your kids then you should be there for them as they readjust and heal from the pains caused by the divorce.