A WAYWARD SPOUSE ASKS FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP AFTER SEXTING ANOTHER

The issue of Sexting! I believe people downplay the significance of Sexting outside of your relationship. Let me say straight off the bat that Sexting anybody behind your partner’s back is cheating. If you are having to hide your conversations, because you know there will be ramifications and that your partner will not approve of this action, then you also know that this is cheating.

Still, for some people, marriages can become “boring” over time. Over the years, some become distracted with life, children, workplace, and perhaps become a little too comfortable in their relationship, and this is when boundaries become relaxed. When you add on other challenges, such as personality disorders, patterns of lying, narcissism, poor communication, etc., it becomes easy for these individuals to mindlessly reach out to someone else for what is generally called “harmless fun”. This is a huge mistake, and while there may not be physical sex, the disrespect, and the lack of loyalty, will break the foundation of the marriage/relationship and shatter trust.

If Sexting truly is a first offense, and the cheating spouse is remorseful and desires to save their relationship, should they be forgiven? The psychology behind why somebody cheats falls into one of the seven affair types listed and discussed on this website. The 7 Types of Affairs

It truly doesn’t matter if the cheating partner had sex, or didn’t have sex. The betrayal is the emotional connection outside of the relationship to another person for sexual pleasure.

A husband, who is caught Sexting is now remorseful and deeply desires to save his relationship. Below we will hear from the cheating husband, and also the responses from betrayed spouses on how the cheating spouse should move towards saving his marriage.

A WAYWARD SPOUSE ASKS FOR ADVICE

ADVICE FROM A BETRAYED WIFE:

One thing that was an important turning point in reconciliation for me was when my husband took full accountability and stopped calling his affair a mistake.

In your post, you refer to your affair as a mistake several times and having an affair is never a mistake, it’s a choice and a very hurtful choice at that. A mistake is picking up whole milk instead of skim at the grocery store. An affair is a choice and until that is acknowledged, there really isn’t much room for moving forward for most betrayed spouses.

Like you, in the beginning my husband also tried to convince me that we would have a much better marriage because of this and it was infuriating. My husbands affair has been the worst and most gut wrenchingly painful thing that has ever happened to me and I have been through some pretty serious stuff up until now, including childhood traumas. None of it can hold a candle to the pain his affair has caused.

The best thing he did was start seeing an individual therapist on his own without me asking and eventually invited me to marriage counseling which took some time because I wanted to see changed behavior and not just empty words and promises before I decided to go with him.

He also acknowledged that he knew that doing all of that still might not have resulted in the outcome he wanted but he was doing it because he wanted to be a better person for himself and not just for me and our family.

It sounds like you deeply regret your choice to have an affair but maybe aren’t fully grasping the scope of the pain and damage this has caused your spouse.

If your spouse does give your marriage another chance, offer full transparency. There can not be any or secrets about anything, not just affair related things. Offer patience and support to your spouse. I’m 2.5 years into reconciliation and although things are much better than they were in the beginning, it’s still very difficult at times and I need my husband’s support and understanding. That can be difficult for him because he’s moved on but for the betrayed spouse, it’s something that might never fully heal.

Your spouse is like a broken vase that gets glued back together. It will never be as it was before it was shattered. You can piece it back together but you will always see the cracks and now he/she needs to be handled with much more care and gentleness than before.

It is also important for those who have cheated not to take their partner’s forgiveness for granted. Forgiving a cheating spouse can be difficult and painful, and should never be taken lightly. Taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging the pain that you have caused can go a long way towards rebuilding trust and restoring your marriage. Showing genuine remorse and contrition will help to rebuild your partner’s trust and confidence in you again.

ADVICE FROM A BETRAYED HUSBAND:

Here’s the thing, you might have a better marriage, for your spouse it will always be a compromise to some degree. Your spouse was betrayed, a most insidious disease to intimate relationships. Your partner will never fully trust you again. There is an innocence in love that has been lost in your marriage, that you will never get back.

Your spouse is feeling hurt, maybe shame, but probably more so inadequacy. Betrayal has a way of stealing happiness and joy, like no other pain does. Every happy memory is called into question. It is a very lonely and isolating feeling. Anger is completely valid as you stole their agency, unilaterally deciding their monogamous relationship would involve a third party, without their consent.

These are painful truths, not meant to discourage, but to give perspective.

It is encouraging that they were waiting at the airport, but if I can give you some advice – do not look for encouragement from your spouse, they owe you nothing and you owe them everything. If they want a divorce, do not fight them. You can tell them, that you will give them the divorce and will continue to love them and hope to start anew on the other side, complete humility and commitment.

There is a pride in those that betray their intimate partners that prioritized a selfish desire over their committed partner. That must be entirely gone. Your spouse will need to understand not only that you are a safe choice, but a desirable one, and that may mean you have to prove your dedication to them long after all hope seems lost. You will need to commit to holding on to the hope for the both of you, with no guarantees or control over the outcome.
Not wanting to ever do it again won’t be good enough. Understanding the devastation and destruction so that you can effectively communicate how reviled you are by any infidelity regardless of whether or not the gift of reconciliation is attached should be your mindset.

Some practical advice – anyone that knew of the affair when your spouse didn’t is gone – parents, siblings, friends, coworkers. Any money spent on the affair is repaid to the family. No contact with the affair partner at a minimum – make sure your spouse sees this. Confessions to the affair partner’s spouse, make sure your spouse sees this. Open device. Delete social media or block any non-essential connections and minimize time spent. Print cell phone records with names and show them to your spouse every month. Take time regularly to be completely vulnerable and open about your feelings, give them a completely clear window into your soul and psyche. Anything else you think is needed to give your spouse a sense of safety and security.

I wish you the best of luck.

Other non-physical cheating practices that should be avoided in your relationship

Emotional Infidelity:
Have you ever felt like you are so far away from your spouse despite sleeping on the same bed with them every night? A spouse that wakes up in the morning and doesn’t care to say “good morning” to you. The first thing they do is to pick up their phones to respond to all the messages they had received while they were asleep. A spouse that doesn’t pray with you nor have any meaningful conversation with you. You keep wondering the reason for their behavior. Could it be that they are sleeping with someone else? They make not be sleeping with anyone but are cheating on you emotionally.

What is marriage without friendship and intimacy? Emotionally cheating on someone is a real thing! It usually starts with an innocent friendship and without you realizing it, it grows into something more intimate. There may not be any sex involved but once you emotionally start connecting with someone else and sharing confidential matters with them, it is definitely a form of infidelity. There is that closeness first off, which becomes apparent sooner or later. Secondly, you start to wonder why you aren’t sharing more intimate things with your partner anymore.

Keeping a secret friend:
Regular friendships are often open. But the moment you start hiding a particular friend from your partner then you are already guilty of infidelity. It starts from a secret conversation, which could lead to a secret date, and before you would realize what is going on, you are already having a secret affair. Be careful, not everything that seems harmless is truly harmless. If you value your spouse then they should be aware of all of your friends and acquaintances.

You talk about your spouse with someone else:
A lady saw a chat between her husband and a lady he was wooing. The content of the message was demeaning. Some men can say anything about their wives just to make the other woman fall for them. This man took a picture of his wife’s breast while she was sleeping and sent it to the other lady. He was comparing her fallen breast with that of this younger lady. He even said his wife’s vagina was loose. This is the same vagina that gave birth to their four children. When the wife saw those messages she was so heartbroken.

The moment you start mocking or discussing your partner’s weaknesses with someone then you are already guilty of infidelity. If your partner has faults, discuss and fix them together. Complaining about their weaknesses to an outsider is disrespectful. Sharing the secrets of your marriage with an outsider is cheating. And when your partner eventually discovers all the bad things you said about them, a conflict would arise in the relationship.

You fantasize and dream of other people:
Sometimes, our dreams are products of our imagination. If you are consistently lusting after someone then you will likely see yourself having sex with them in your dream. This person could be your ex, a virtual friend, or even a porn celebrity. If you see them once in your dream, then that is fine but if it keeps happening then you have to watch your thoughts. Assuming that your partner could hear all your thoughts, would you ever imagine having sex with someone else? If your partner isn’t meeting up your sexual needs, talk to them about it. Let them know what you like and don’t like in bed. This would help you to stop all unnecessary sexual fantasies.

Other Cheating Behaviors:
The following are seemingly harmless acts that are actually an act of infidelity.

• Do you have someone in your life like a close colleague or a friend you’re beginning to get too emotionally close to?
• Do you lie about a certain person in your life to stop your partner from feeling jealous, when really, you aren’t telling her because you feel guilty about how you flirted with them?
• Do you remove your wedding band to look like you are still single?
• Do you still contact your ex and lie about it?
• At your workplace, do you always go for lunch with that colleague who is wooing you?
•  Is your spouse your best friend or do you have a secret BFF?
• Is your partner aware of all the secret dates you have been having?
• Do you always flirt at a cocktail party?
• Do you secretly admire someone and wish you had met them before your spouse?
• Do you sometimes condemn or compare your spouse’s physical appearance with that of your friend?
• Do you send gifts/money to your friend without your spouse’s consent?
• Do you delete your conversation and browsing history?
• Are you always online sending messages to random strangers for flirtatious reasons?
• Do you share your nude picture with strangers?
• Have you stopped sharing your intimate feelings with your spouse?
• Do you lie about your whereabouts just to spend time with that other person?

If you are doing any of those things mentioned above, then just know that you are CHEATING. While physically cheating on someone may mean you’re just fulfilling a sexual desire, while you’re still emotionally connected to your partner, emotional cheating may mean your heart isn’t in the relationship anymore.

Conclusion:

A simple way to know if you are cheating is to ask yourself how your partner would feel if they found out about that text, conversation, phone call, hangout, friendship, etc. If they would feel betrayed or hurt then that is cheating. Stop it now before you lose the trust and respect your spouse has for you. It is not about if it would lead to sex or not, but about respecting and protecting your relationship.

In addition to addressing the emotional and psychological aspects of marriage after infidelity, it is important to consider practical solutions to rebuilding trust. Setting boundaries such as no longer engaging in sexting or sharing passwords can help couples regain control over their relationship and start fresh. Additionally, going through couples therapy or joining a support group with people who are dealing with similar issues can provide couples with a safe and open space to discuss their feelings. Ultimately, both partners should take responsibility for their actions and work together to rebuild the trust that was broken.

Finally, in some cases, it may be best to end the marriage altogether if there is too much damage done by infidelity. Both partners should honestly assess the situation and decide if staying together is truly in their best interest. If the damage done by infidelity is too great, it may be necessary to end the marriage and move on separately. This can be difficult, but ultimately it may provide both parties with a healthier and more fulfilling life.

I also want to repeat what I said at the beginning of this post. If you or your partner has a personality, disorder, or addiction issues, the cheating partner may find great comfort in wanting to stay in the relationship because it provides a safe place. But the betrayed partner will never have a sense of safety in this relationship. Especially if there are personality disorders, such as antisocial personality disorder, where the reality is, that the individual will psychologically never be able to provide a safe haven relationship without ongoing professional assistance. And individuals with this diagnosis will rarely seek professional advice unless they are in jail or prison. There is no hope for this marriage to be safe from infidelity, and I would advise the partner of this individual to find the strength and the resources to move on.

It is important to remember that forgiveness takes time and effort from both parties. If you have been cheated on, it is important not to act out of impulse or make decisions in the heat of the moment. Instead, take a step back and consider what would be best for your marriage in the long run. Ask yourself if this is something you can forgive and move on from, or if it’s something that will permanently damage the relationship.

Ultimately, the decision to forgive or leave your marriage after cheating is a personal one. If both partners are willing to commit to rebuilding trust and communication, then it may be possible to save your marriage. However, if the trust has been broken beyond repair, then leaving could be the healthiest choice.

References

• R. Delevi et al.  Personality factors as predictors of sexting Computers in Human Behavior (2013)
• A.L. Dir et al.  From the bar to the bed via mobile phone: A first test of the role of problematic alcohol use, sexting, and impulsivity-related traits in sexual hookups Computers in Human Behavior (2013)