Children, Infidelity: Children & Young Adults
Advice for therapists: Helping Step-Families Survive
Sep
Advice for MFT & Prepare Enrich Facilitators:
Here are their quick tips when it comes to working with blended families:
- Your blended family couples are not alone! Reassure your couples that “40% of couples with children are step-couples and 100 million people in the US have a step-relationship of some kind.”
- Statistics taken from Family Life.
- To have a successful marriage, it must come as a first priority. Encourage your couples to put each other first.
- This will model a healthy relationship for your couples’ children.
- Set up healthy expectations when it comes to a blended family. Their family has changed and will not be the same as it was – nor will it be the same as other blended families they know.
- Check out this exercise (below) from our Workbook for Couples, to help minimize unrealistic expectations.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. This will leave healthy pathways for co-parenting. Not only will your couple benefit from healthy communication, but so will their children and the other families involved.
- This means your couples’ children will benefit from having their parents on the same path for their success.
STEP FAMILIES: CHOOSING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Helping couples to minimize unrealistic expectations!
Read through these common myths, noticing if any of them resonate with you and your partner.
Myth: Because we love each other, the other family members will also love each other.
Reality: Love and/or good relationships may or may not happen between stepfamily members. It will likely take time for emotional bonds to develop; some will bond quickly, others slowly, and it is possible that some individuals may never bond.
Myth: We’ll do marriage better this time around.
Reality: Those who have experienced a breakup or divorce have often learned tough lessons from the past. While a new marriage involves different people and different dynamics, it is not uncommon for individuals to slip into old patterns and routines (e.g., being avoidant during conflict). Be mindful not to repeat mistakes of the past.
Myth: Our children will feel as happy about this new family as we do.
Reality: The truth is children will at best be confused about the new marriage and at worst, they’ll resent it. Remarriage is a gain for adults and a challenge for children. Only after much time, when family stability is obtained, does the remarriage also become a gain for children. Be patient with them.
Myth: The stepparent(s) will quickly bond with the children and act like another parent.
Reality: Sometimes stepparents want so badly to be accepted they try to manage the children as a parent would. They may also try to show affection like a biological parent would. Children often need some space initially to build a relationship with the stepparent. It is often a good idea to let the child set the pace and follow their lead.
Myth: We will be able to easily form a new family.
Reality: In most cases, children didn’t ask for this new family, they need time to develop a history and sense of family. Don’t push to create relationships. It is often better to have minimal expectations of how relationships will develop rather than grand expectations which may fail to materialize.
Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers (2014).
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