Shattered Assumptions
All of us operate from a set of basic assumptions about our relationships, our partners, and ourselves. We can describe, at least in a general way, the terms of commitment that characterize our marriages and other significant relationships. Our assumptions provide us with a map of our partners personality and moral character that predicts how he or she would behave in compromising situations. We are traumatized when these shattered assumptions because our safe, predictable world is no longer safe or predictable.
Our basic assumptions provide a set of operating instructions for living. They ground us in our identity, allow us to negotiate the complexities of living, and help us to interpret information that is bewildering or complicated. We run our lives following the lines of our assumptions. When these basic assumptions are violated, we are disoriented: “If I can’t depend on you, I can’t depend on anything in my life.”
One woman, who had just finished successful treatment for cancer, told her husband, “I wish I had died last year when I was sick—before I learned the terrible truth about you.”
Assumptions about the Relationship
These are some common assumptions:
- I assumed we were committed exclusively to each other, no matter what.
- I thought we had the same moral values and that we both believed in monogamy.
- I never doubted that we loved each other.
- I believed I could be safe in this relationship.
The disparity between what the betrayed partner believed about commitment and exclusivity and the actual behavior of the unfaithful partner determines the extent of traumatization.
One young wife thought she and her husband had the perfect marriage.
“I knew we were in a slump, but I never thought we weren’t totally committed to each other.”
Believing that she and her husband had a perfect understanding and an unassailable commitment made his betrayal that much more shocking.
Another betrayed spouse poignantly expressed this sense of what it is like to know that what you counted on as exclusively yours has been shared with another person:
“You took something that was supposed to be mine, which was intimacy, and you gave it to someone else.”
Even couples in open marriages have assumptions about their outside relationships. If these assumptions are violated, they feel a terrible sense of betrayal. The rules might be that each person can have multiple sex partners but cannot become emotionally attached or have secret liaisons with another person. If these rules are broken, the devastation is just as great as in a marriage with the assumption of monogamy.
Assumptions about Your Partner
- I thought you were trustworthy.
- I thought you would always be honest with me.
- I thought you would always do the right thing.
When you think you know who your partner is and he or she does something absolutely out of character, it is hard to understand what your eyes are telling you.
If you believe that you are married to someone with an especially fine moral character, your chagrin is not only about the infidelity but also about the altered perception of your partner. It’s like being married to a four-star general and finding out that he’s really a Russian spy.
People are attracted to their mates because they admire and respect them. Even after the process of idealization that characterizes a new relationship has stopped, people still want to believe the best of their chosen partner. It is perfectly reasonable to “accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.”
You want to feel that the person you are married to is trustworthy. It is devastating to find out that your husband is a liar or that your wife is a cheat. The affront feels very personal. “You’re not who I thought you were!” is a common lament of betrayed partners.
Husbands and wives who never had any reason to doubt their mutual commitment to exclusivity are deeply traumatized by the betrayal of infidelity. A betrayed husband expressed disbelief when he discovered his wife with another man: “My wife was a virgin when we married, and she’s always been a devoted wife and mother. I would have bet 2 million dollars that that could not have been my wife coming out of a motel with another man.”
One woman said, “He’s religious and hates liars and was never that interested in sex.” His affair shattered these assumptions.
In contrast are situations where assumptions of monogamy are shaky to begin with. A couple who had cheated on each other during their engagement were hurt and angry when each of them strayed during the early years of the marriage, but they were not shocked or disillusioned.